Call Me Faeyero
by Pernicia
Summary: Walking in another's shoes has never been taken more literally as Elphaba and Fiyero struggle to pose as the other and change more than one person's fate. Come to think of it, maybe frog princes are real.
1. The Healing Kiss

**Disclaimer: **Did you know we aren't required to include these things?

**Notes: **You can thank the Squintiest Squint for this one. I was trying to think of a challenge for her Summer Fic Exchange (sign up at the Bored Author's Society- free advertising :D), when this idea suddenly hit me, all the lines and everything. Doesn't inspiration come at the weirdest times?

From the second floor, he could see her cuddled in her favorite chair, her hands pressed against her head, her eyes darting across the pages of some thick and dusty novel. He watched her inhale and exhale, her chest moving in and out with each breath. In. Out. In. Like some unheard song, some sort of pulse. He felt his own pulse accelerate rapidly- it probably got more hyped up watching her sitting than it could running any distance.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Fiyero knew it was wrong. He had a girlfriend, for Lurline's sake! A popular and beautiful girlfriend, the best and most envied girl in the entire campus. Yet a part of him disagreed. When had he ever agreed to be her boyfriend? Had he ever said it out loud? Therefore, their dating must be unofficial, despite their current position as Shiz's latest It couple.

Satisfied with his logic, he leaned forward. He was almost surprised and certainly proud to have used his formerly cob-web ridden brain in such an intelligent manner. But not as surprised as he was the next moment, as the banister creaked in a way that could only mean disaster, and suddenly the whir of green he had been taking in became a blur of colors he was taking on, in a manner.

In simpler terms, he deduced as he crashed to the floor, he was falling. Again, that part of him patted himself on the back for his astute use of reasoning. The other part was screaming- or perhaps, swearing- at top volume. He wondered if internal earplugs had been invented. Perhaps Elphaba would know. Immediately, the pain dulled, and he found himself in a daze. A green one.

"Fiyero?"

A green figure stood brilliantly above him, a halo of light above her head. Everything else was shadowed, everything but her alluring features, which called to him in every which direction. He really didn't need earplugs after all.

"Did you hit your head or something? Because if you did, I'm not the one who's going to be telling Galinda how you went and gave yourself amnesia."

"What?" he asked, confused. Was she speaking to him? Her lips were moving, but her angelic voice seemed to float to his ears, clouding all sense of language. He wondered if she sang. Maybe she would sing for him…

"Amnesia. A condition where the victim loses all of his memories, suffering severe brain damage. Not that it'd hurt you much."

"How so?"

"I'm still not entirely certain you have a brain."

_Ouch, _he thought, though from her insult, his injury, or her hotness, he was unsure. Maybe all three. As her figure cleared, he shook his head. Definitely her extreme hotness.

"No? You don't have a brain? Why, Fiyero, perhaps you should see someone about self-esteem," Elphaba proclaimed in fake shock. "Oh, wait. What's your motto?"

"It's just life, so keep dancing through," he suggested.

"No, your other one."

"Uh, always remember your clothes after…"

"The one about being deeply shallow and genuinely self-absorbed!" she interrupted rather rapidly and loudly.

"Oh, well, yeah, you just said it," he replied, finally finding the strength the sit up and slump against the bookcase.

"Ah. Well, I suppose that's not the issue then. Care to explain how you managed to fall _over_ the banister, which happens to be almost two-thirds your body height?"

"I've been doing a lot of falling lately," Fiyero muttered, "mostly with women."

"What was that?"

"Uh, with windows," he said loudly. Which was actually true. "Maybe I'm deeply absent-minded and genuinely clumsy."

"And you just noticed?" she asked, her hands on her hips.

"Hey! At least I have fun! Well, not the falling part." As she gazed at him, he thought, _Oh, yes, definitely the falling part._ "Maybe it's you who's in order for change."

"Really."

"Yeah! A change in lifestyle. Less time spent in solitude inhaling dust, more time spent in crowded ballrooms exhaling… um, carbon dioxide?"

At Elphaba's astonished expression, he continued, "Well, I don't know. Or more time spent in solitude, except with someone else."

"That's a contradiction," she stated.

"Bah, whatever. Better start with the dancing and exhaling of…"

"Dust?" Elphaba suggested.

"Is that why it's called the Ozdust?" he questioned.

"Is that why you're called an idiot?"

"You know, you're pushing me pretty hard for a fellow who just had a concussion," Fiyero complained.

"Oh? What am I supposed to do?"

He grinned. "Well, for starters, a healing kiss always helps."

Elphaba backed away. "No. Way."

"Aw, come on," he whined, pulling himself into a stand position. "It's a Vinkan tradition."

"Really," she replied skeptically. Man, she was seriously hot when she raised her eyebrows that way. Of course, that could be said about practically any stance she chose.

"Really. Without a healing kiss, how is the wound supposed to heal? Magic? Which also happens to be your strong point," he pointed out.

"How exactly did these 'healing kisses' come to be?" she questioned, hoisting herself onto a table and playing along.

His grin widened. "Well, you see, there was a very handsome prince. Prince…"

"Scatterbrain?" Elphaba suggested.

"No, it was Prince... well, I can't remember the name. Something that started with an 'F,' I think."

Her eyebrows raised in a dubious manner, but he ignored them, staring into her deep, chestnut eyes instead. "Fiyero?"

"No, of course not, do I look old enough to be married?"

"No, I meant, is this story real?"

"Of course it's real," he declared. "There's a real princess and a real princess eventually, if you ever let me get to that part." _No, _he thought, _a goddess. A green goddess._

"I see." Her tone contained less doubt than he would have thought. One thing was for sure, she was actually listening.

"You see, he was somewhat of a scandalous man, and…

"What exactly is your relation to him?" she interrupted.

"Quiet. If you keep making derogatory comments, how do you expect me to finish the story?"

"Oh, by all means, continue."

Fiyero made his way to Elphaba's side, joining her on the table. "Now, where was I?"

"About all of one line into the story."

"Ah, yes. He was a scandalous…"

"You already said that part."

He rolled his eyes at her. "Well, it seemed worth repeating. Anyway, in one rather ugly affair- which we won't go into…"

"Oh?" she questioned, a small grin sliding across her face.

"Well, not yet," he replied. "And because of that aforementioned affair, his parents insisted he find himself a beautiful bride before the next full moon. Being extraordinary and handsome as well as extraordinarily handsome and handsomely extraordinary-"

"Of course," she scoffed.

"-he had no trouble finding suitors. Girls claiming to be princess from nations no one's ever heard of came tumbling in, gathering in the now-crowded Vinkan palace. There were even a few Animals eager to be this prince's new bride," he invented, hoping it would please her. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that her smile widened.

"But the problem was, all of those suitors were nothing but greedy girls fancified with jewels, hoping to gain even more riches to add to their collections. Delicate blonde dolls unable to lift a finger with out the help of several handmaidens."

"Hey! Galinda is not…" Looking sternly at her, she shut her mouth.

"Elphaba, I'm surprised at you. Don't you ace History?"

She nodded.

"Then, of course you know that there's no way Galinda could possibly have been alive at the time of this story."

"Well, you haven't exactly told me when this story is set," she pointed out. "Scandalous Vinkan princes aren't exactly a rarity around here."

"Yeah, well, it's not now. Can I continue?" Perhaps he should make that his new catch line. Not waiting for an answer, which would probably come in the form of another protest, he went on, "The prince was at a loss. His parents expected him to choose from the beautiful women rather quickly, as it had always been his nature to judge based on…" He paused, clearing his throat. "Well, based on other things."

Elphaba understood.

"Anyway, he was in his garden one day… nah, scratch that, only fairy tales involve gardens. It was in a library. The prince's own personal library."

Her throat cleared rather loudly. "Well, I was wrong. Obviously, this prince is no relation to you." Her eyes sparkled as she spoke, but not only in a teasing manner.

"You'd be surprised," he replied. Moving his hand, his fingers brushed hers, sending a chill down his spine. A chill that warmed up every part in his body. Glancing at her, he noticed that she seemed to stiffen, as if containing some hidden emotion.

"Anyway, the prince was despairing when suddenly, right in front of him appeared the most perfect creature in the entire world, curled up in his own favorite chair."

"Oh, please, you are not talking about his dog or something?" she scoffed.

"What makes you think that?" Fiyero asked, confused. He thought he had led up to this point pretty well, not seeing her sudden stray from the suggested story.

"You said creature. Not person."

"Oh, no, it wasn't a person," he continued, smiling. "She was too perfect to be a person, far more beautiful than any of the other princesses."

"What made her so different?" Elphaba asked. "Hadn't the prince had his fill of beautiful women?"

"Well, she had a sort of glow about her," Fiyero recited, staring directly at her. "Her eyes lit up, displaying her emotions to the world, but only the right person could read them. Her skin was as soft as cream, or so he imagined," he added, involuntarily playing with his fingers. "But more importantly, she had no wish for attention or riches. She had gone to the library to escape the world, to avoid the prince, who from the rumors and the other's girls' gossips, she assumed must be a horrible snob."

"Was he?" Elphaba asked.

"Maybe that's for you to see," he replied. "Uh, I mean, in the story, of course."

"Of course," she repeated, suddenly distracted. A moment of silence passed. "Fiyero?"

"Yeah?"

"You stopped."

"Oh. Right. Yeah, so there he was, staring at this brilliant girl- he knew she must be brilliant, for she was reading one of the most difficult and thickest volumes in the entire library- when in his stupor, he failed to notice a certain blonde approaching from behind. She caught him staring at this girl, to her a mere school girl of some status but nothing to parallel any of the others' heritages. Somehow, she knew that this girl had just done the one thing she never could: win the prince's love. Not attraction; true love, something the prince had never experienced before. Something few people do.

"She was heart-broken, and in her shock, she reacted impulsively, pushing the prince over the railing, which, of course, he would never have the poor sense to fall from on his own."

He expected Elphaba to fill in with some sarcastic comment. When she didn't, he continued, "Then, feeling unbearably guilty, the princess cried out, blaming it on the girl, saying that she had enspelled the prince.

"But when the soldiers, servants, and all the king's men, came rushing into the room, they found the girl knelt in front of the prince, who had suffered from a grievous concussion. She knew it was too late to heal him with her sorcery. Instead, she leaned forward and kissed him. For a moment, the room froze, and everyone, even the blonde princess, prayed fervently for the prince's recovery.

"When the girl finished, the prince didn't move. The castle itself sighed in grief, breaking the silence. The king's men- or maybe it was the soldiers- charged towards the girl, grabbing her in anger. But then, slowly, the prince's eyes opened. The first thing he set his eyes upon was the girl, frowning at him."

Elphaba was staring at him. Or maybe he was staring at her. Was there a difference even? At his glance, she quickly looked away. He sighed. Yes, definitely a difference.

Without his eyes leaving her, Fiyero continued the story. "And the prince declared, 'Why, men, are you violating this absolutely brilliant lady in such a manner? Have you no respect for your queen?'

"Again, silence filled the room- can silence really fill a room? I mean, it's the lack of noise, meaning that the room empties of sound…"

At her glance, he stopped, regretting interrupting his story. "Sorry."

"It's metaphorically appropriate, in this case," Elphaba answered.

"Thanks. Anyway, well, the room emptied of noise- that doesn't sound as good, does it?"

"At this point, anything in attempts to advance the story would sound wonderful to me."

"Right. Anyway…"

"If you say that the room was silent again, I'll kill you."

"Um, everyone in the room, the silent room," he glanced at her, looking for some reaction, even annoyance. To his surprise, she was smiling. Before she noticed his pause, he quickly continued, "the blonde princess included, dropped forward in a respectful bow. The girl's eyes sparkled, feeling overjoyed that the prince had chosen her above all of the prettier princesses, but evermore so that she had found true love, at last."

Silence filled the library. Either that, or the library emptied of all sound, which really had only been Fiyero's voice anyway, and Fiyero became aware that they were the only two people occupying the room. The thought gave him chills, and he turned away quickly, turning instead to Elphaba, who he found staring back at him. Unsure what to do, he contemplated turning away again, finally deciding that she'd take it as a sign to leave.

"And that," he finally stated, "is the story of the healing kiss."

The awkward staring continued.

"You tell a good story," Elphaba finally said, finding words at last.

He shrugged. "It's just like a book."

"I liked it," she admitted shyly.

"Like a book."

She smiled, and his lips mirrored hers. Then, she frowned, his smile falling as well.

"What?" he asked.

"Well, I don't know," she said. "It's just a story, after all. It's not real."

"Yeah…" he sighed. "I suppose so."

There was a moment of silence- those were becoming so common these days- before Fiyero stood up.

"I should be going," he said. "Boq will be wondering where I am, and, well, I'm sure you want to get back to your…" He didn't finish the sentence. Couldn't, as he studied her. Would- no, could- she really rather read those old volumes than… he didn't finish that one either.

"Right," Elphaba agreed, turning away.

"And Elphaba?"

She looked back. He swallowed, and before his courage deserted him, said, "Maybe it can be. Real."

There. He had done it. Finished a sentence, he meant, but not only that. It was up to her now. He only hoped that it was enough.

He turned once more, ready to depart the library, or as ready as he could ever be knowing that she would be left behind.

"What was her name?" came a voice. Turning around, he saw that Elphaba had not resumed her reading and was staring at him intently, blushing slightly.

"What?" he asked innocently, taking a step closer to her. And another.

"The princess. What did they call her?"

They were so close, so irresistibly close, it seemed impossible to keep their hands from brushing against each other, their breath from catching in their throats, their shadows from intermingling on the floor. Impossible to keep pretending.

"Elphaba," he groaned, and whether answer or not, their lips met in a sudden embrace, first tentative, then vigorous as their hands ran across each other, as their breath stopped completely, as their shadows became one. It was the greatest joy in the world; it was nothing like Fiyero had ever experienced before, and he had been with a lot of women- not that he was particularly proud of that fact, not anymore. But, as he embraced Elphaba, it was not any of them on his mind, but the beyond beautiful, the glowing green goddess in front of him, and the bliss in front of them.

They were forced to pull back for air, and he was about to resume, when he heard her shriek. Only, it wasn't a shriek really. More of a yelp… a non-girly yelp.

Concerned, he looked up. Had he hurt her? Had he accidentally touched one of those places that girls usually got very sensitive about?

Instead, he came face to face with an even more disturbing sight than a furious Elphaba- himself.

It wasn't that he was terribly disturbing. He was quite handsome, actually, now that he studied himself. It was more of the shock that was disturbing, the shock of seeing himself in front of him when clearly he was himself… the sentence was getting to confusing to continue. He wondered if that was becoming a habit of his, dropping sentences in the middle.

"What the…?" he questioned, reaching towards her-him-whoever. Elphaba. It was then that he saw what she-he-it-the-thingie was yelping about.

His hand never reached her. Instead, it hung in the air limply. He exhaled, a funny sense of symmetry crossing him. The same chest, inhaling, exhaling. But not his.

The hand, suspended in the air, wasn't his either. Couldn't be.

It was green… he almost didn't finish that sentence either. Luckily, the other person finished his thought for him.

"What the hell just happened?!"

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Review and win my eternal gratitude. Either that or a relatively quick update.


	2. What We're In For

**Disclaimer: **To anyone who doesn't already know: I DO NOT OWN WICKED! Got it? Oh, yeah, and to anyone else who has posted a body-switch fic, I am not meaning to copy any of you.

**Notes: **Yay! I got reviews! If you'll notice, an update up in record time! This is what happens when you review (hint, hint).

"Me?" Fiyero stammered, stopping at the sound of his rather girlish voice. "Your voice is weird!" He paused. "Wait, you are Elphaba, right?"

"Thanks to you, I'm not sure who I am!" came the angered response. Despite the fact that she- he wasn't even going to bother messing with genders at this point- was occupying another body, her death glare was still right on. Just a bit weird, since he could never bring himself to take himself seriously.

"Oh. Well, you're Fiyero Tiggular- that is, I'm Fiyero Tiggular… well, actually was Fiyero Tiggular…"

"I know who you are, you idiot!" Elphaba screamed.

"Well, that's a relief," Fiyero sighed. "Now, if you would care to tell me, who exactly am I?"

"Who do you think you are?" She was now flailing her arms around in disgust, as if that would help their current crisis. Unless it was some sorcery thing he was unaware of. In that case, he mimicked her.

"Well, I'd say I was Fiyero Tiggular, but there's some pretty big evidence to suggest I'm not."

"Quit it!"

"Quit what?" he asked.

"Flailing your arms! I look like an idiot!"

"Well, I always do, so you're under no pressure."

"You!" she groaned. "What did you _do_?"

"Me?" he asked. "What did I do? You're the one with all of the magic! You probably did this in your subconscious desire to be more like me."

"Why would I want to be like you? You're a brainless, self-absorbed, idiotic, womanizing…"

"I know what I am!" he interrupted her ranting. "Just because I'm not entirely sure who I am does not mean I am not aware of my past tendencies."

"Then you'll understand why I wouldn't be caught dead in your body!" Elphaba snapped. Normally, he'd say she looked especially attractive in her anger, but in her current state, admitting such would be very contradictory.

"Well, I certainly hope you don't end up dying while you're in my body either," he replied dryly. He reached forward to touch her, but she whipped her arm away.

"No! Get away from me, freak!"

"For someone who hates being called that, you're being rather hypocritical," Fiyero complained.

"Hypocritical? You are a freak. I am a freak, whatever. You even know what the word hypocritical means?" Without waiting for an answer, she continued, "You're using a word longer than four letters, I'm going to be stupid, aren't I?"

"Elphaba, you need to calm down," he stated. "Panicking isn't going to get us anywhere."

"Well, I'm sorry, you seem have a tendency to get hyper when you're in an extreme state of distress!"

"Just because you look like me doesn't mean you are me, Elphaba. You're still yourself."

"Yeah, but what if I'm not?" she asked. "What if I start becoming dumb like you-"

"Gee, thanks," he muttered sarcastically.

"-and I forget who I am?"

"Seeing as we'll have forgotten who we used to be, I don't think we'll be complaining. Especially you."

"You think I want to be an idiotic playboy?" she snapped. "That I'll be happy dating Galinda, and… oh, god, I'm dating Galinda…"

"Maybe not," Fiyero said.

"What do you mean, maybe not?"

"Well, what about… us?" he hesitated at the word. "We kissed, Elphaba…"

"Like I'm going to be kissing you again anytime soon! I never want to even look at you again!"

"Well, you're going to be doing that an awful lot if you don't stop arguing!" Fiyero exclaimed. "You think I like this? Because being you isn't exactly a hoot for me either!"

"Damn right, it won't be! See how much you like people gawking at you constantly and calling you idiotic nicknames like "Artichoke" and "Green Bean!"

"Is idiotic your word of the day or something? If it is, you're certainly applying it a lot, especially concerning a certain Vinkan prince."

"That's because it's associated with you so often anyway!" Elphaba snapped.

"That would be you now," he pointed out.

"Don't remind me," she muttered. At least she seemed to be calming down slightly. He took advantage of the fact and pounced upon it. Well, in truth, he really climbed upon the table and closer to Elphaba, who didn't quite back away.

"Elphaba, what were you thinking about when you kissed me?"

"How I never wanted to be in the same room with you again," she stated coldly.

"The truth, Elphie."

"Don't call me that!"

"Okay. The truth, _Fiyero_."

"Don't call me that either!"

"Why not? Someone might be listening." Why hadn't he thought of that before? Gosh, if the Shiz population learned about this… let's just say he might have an easier time breaking up with Galinda than originally thought.

"Anyone who's listening to us either thinks we have very low self-esteem, amnesia, or are just crazy."

"Well, I-you-whoever did just fall from the second floor," he pointed out. "Hey, are you feeling alright?"

"Besides the obvious conundrum and splitting headache which you failed to mention before, yes, I'm just fine, thank you!" It was obviously sarcastic, but he left well enough alone.

"Let's focus."

"God, you're telling me to focus? We must have reversed personalities or something."

"Okay, fine, I'll start. I was thinking that I was kissing the most beautiful girl in the world, who was actually kissing me back…"

"Oh, Lurline, that sounds so wrong…"

"What? You are beautiful. Maybe you do have esteem issues."

"The girl part, idiot!"

"Oh. Well, you get what I mean!"

"No, I really don't because I have no idea what possessed me to kiss an-"

"If you say idiot, I'll smack you," he muttered.

"See? Death threats too."

"And the longer we take complaining, the more likely it is we'll be stuck here."

"Your logic concerns me."

"Speaking of stuck, when exactly does the library close?" Fiyero asked.

"Never." It seemed odd watching himself say that, he who until recently didn't even know Shiz had a library. "I've slept here before, to avoid walking in on any uncomfortable sessions with Galinda."

"Are you suggesting something?" he asked. "Because I have never…"

"Do you always assume I'm talking boys?" she asked bluntly.

"Well… in your current state…"

"Please don't answer that, I'm already depressed enough," Elphaba interrupted quickly. Then, she assumed a thoughtful position, a very strange pose for Fiyero indeed. He had to restrain himself on commenting, both remembering their predicament and realizing that he would be insulting himself… maybe she was right about this personality switch thingie.

_Nah, _he thought. Somehow, he couldn't picture Elphaba using the word "thingie."

"I liked it," came the muffled response. Fiyero looked up to find her blushing furiously, another unfamiliar sight when it came to him. Opening his mouth, she added, "Don't make me say it again."

"I won't," he said. "Were you thinking about me?"

"I take it all back, you can't actually be using my brains. Of course I was thinking about you!"

"Sorry. I'm just trying to figure out what could have done this.

"We're assuming that I did it. Maybe I had nothing to with it. Maybe it was you."

"I suppose it could be me," he relented. "Or maybe it was neither of us. Maybe it was the kiss."

"If it was the kiss, then it was probably my fault," she grumbled.

"Don't say that! You were a natural."

"Not possibly as good as you were…" she sighed. At his wide grin, she quickly added, "I mean, you have lots of practice."

"Right," he said, his grin only widening.

"Stop it! You're making me look like an…"

"Idiot?" Fiyero filled in.

"Stupid grins clash on me," she grumbled.

"And scowls clash on me," he replied. "So, how about this? You smile, and I won't look stupid."

"How about we try reversing this so you can act stupid on your own time?"

"Well, that works for me too," he said. "So, what do we do? Some mumbo jumbo?"

"It's not that simple. Spells like this can't always be reversed even if we did know the source." Elphaba grimaced as she said this. Grimaces didn't suit him that well either. "Besides, I'm not sure I could reverse it even if I had a spell that worked."

"Why not?" Fiyero asked.

"You think- oh, wait, you can't. As you have pointed out numerous times before, I am the one who is able to perform magic."

"Yes. And?"

She sighed. "And who exactly am I now?"

"Oh." He finally got it. "But I don't know any magic. I mean, what am I supposed to do?" He waved his arms around in mock mysticism. "Elka, nomen, nomen…"

"Don't!" she shouted. He stopped. "We don't know exactly what you can do. Maybe you can perform magic?"

"Is that good or bad?"

"Generally? Good. With you? Disaster."

"You really hate me, don't you?"

She considered it, but not very long. "Yeah, I do."

"I knew there was something fishy about the kiss!"

"Look, what I mean is that you know almost nothing about magic. Going into a spell knowing nothing is not only extremely foolish and cocky but also dangerous. You haven't seen some of Galinda's attempts. There's reason there aren't very many male magicians, you know."

"What about the Wizard?"

"He's different. He's not a brainless male student with a tendency for being the cause of disasters."

"Ha! Maybe he's really some psycho old man who works from behind a curtain on secret plans to cause mass destruction!"

"Don't say that!"

Fiyero shrugged. "I really don't care."

"Well, I do! If you paid any attention you'd know that Madame Morrible is contacting the Wizard personally about my magical education and the chance to prove to the world that I'm not a useless artichoke! The chance you've ruined!" Upset, she looked away, and he could see she was struggling to maintain her composure.

"Look, Elphaba, I didn't mean to… I'm sorry." He begged her to look at him, see the sincerity in his eyes.

To his surprise- though, he certainly wasn't complaining- she did, somewhat shocked herself, yet much calmer than before. "It's alright. You didn't know this was going to happen. You didn't do it on purpose."

Fiyero decided not to point out that it was unlikely that he could have caused anything. Instead, he reached for her, and this time she didn't pull back.

"Maybe we should, well try again."

"Try again?" she asked, horrified.

He shrugged. "It works in fairy tales."

"We don't live in a fairy tale! If we did, this wouldn't have happened in the first place."

"I know, but it's as likely as anything else we can try. Or we could keep on arguing. Hey, maybe I got a concussion from falling over the banister, and I'm in some coma." He paused thoughtfully. "I knew it was too good to be true."

"Fiyero!"

"Not the body-switching part. You kissing me."

"Since when has that been a good thing?" she grumbled.

"Since the moment you entered my dreams," he answered.

"Right. The only role I have in your dreams is a green misfit made to be ran over by carriages."

"I fired the driver," Fiyero said automatically.

"Maybe the driver wasn't at fault."

"How do you even know what I dream about?" he countered.

"I sincerely hope I don't."

"Oh… Me too." He smiled slightly. "Come on. One kiss." At her hesitation, he added, "Was it that bad?"

"Yes!"

"Not the aftermath. You admitted you liked it."

"But this… this is different."

"How so?" Fiyero pointed. "Boy. Girl. And we certainly both have lips."

"But it would be like kissing myself!" she argued.

"That wouldn't be so bad…"

"I knew you were in love with yourself!"

"I'm just saying that there are far worse people I could be kissing."

"Really? I can't think of any."

"Think Galinda. Because that's who you'll end up kissing if we don't reverse this."

Immediately, her lips were on his, and they embraced once more, though he noted, her kiss was powered more by determination and panic than desire. He wondered what she was feeling. He wondered what he was feeling. He was, after all, kissing himself, and when a guy did that, it meant he was pretty desperate, though in this case, he'd take desperate over any other girl.

She pulled back much sooner than before. "This isn't working."

"We can't be sure," he pointed out, slightly reluctant to end the kiss. "Maybe we should try it again…"

"No!" She shot an accusatory glare at him. "This is all some game to you, isn't it? Let's see how we can get the artichoke to embarrass herself further! Maybe she'll even lower herself to level of all of your former witless girlfriends!"

"Galinda is not witless, and…"

"Oh, that's right, Galinda," she continued. "What about her? Does she know you're here?"

"Elphaba, I would never…" But he stopped, realizing he was trapped. "Okay, maybe it was wrong of me to pursue you while still dating her, but you know how she is. Breaking up with her would be like… like…"

"Impossible," Elphaba filled in.

"Exactly."

"Because you two deserve each other."

"Elphaba!"

"Well, it's true! Has she ever accidentally unleashed her magic on you? Does she have a million onlookers constantly critiquing her?"

"Actually, yes…"

"Harassing her? Face it, Fiyero. She's the most popular girl in Shiz, maybe even in the whole Upper Uplands! And you're the perfect boyfriend-

"So you admit it."

"-for her."

"And you're the most beautiful girl who ever existed who I am very much in love with."

"Beautifully tragic," she muttered, not hearing, or maybe disbelieving the last part of the statement. "Why did you do this, Fiyero?"

"I think we've already pointed out that it may not be my fault that…"

"The kiss. The stalking- don't even try, you probably didn't even know where the library was before you followed me here. Falling over the banister even."

"Because I'm either the biggest idiot-slash-clutz in Oz-"

"Oh, wonderful," Elphaba mumbled. "You kissed me because you're an idiot."

"Not the kiss! Falling over the banister. I've already told you, I kissed you because…"

"Because you're trying to make some fairy tale you have in your mind come true so that the frog can become a princess."

"It's prince actually," Fiyero corrected. Then, he gasped. "Hey, it worked! You're a prince!"

"Yeah, right."

"Yeah, you're right, that is stupid. Somewhat ironic though."

"Does ANYONE know the correct definition of irony?!" Elphaba shrieked. "It is not a surprising contradiction or an unlikely condition! It is either when a person says something but implies something else, when the exact opposite of what you expect to happen happens, or when a reader knows something the characters don't!"

Silence filled… Lurline, not that sentence again…

"Okay," he finally stated. "You know, if you keep that up, everyone's either going to think I've finally lost it or that something is seriously wrong."

"Both entirely true."

"Elph…"

"You'd have to have lost it to choose me over Galinda. I'm sure you'd have a hoot in her body."

He glanced down at himself, suddenly realizing what the change meant. Elphaba followed his gaze, her eyes dilating.

"Don't even think about it!" she snapped.

"I'm thinking!" Fiyero squealed.

"Come on! It's what you're best at, remember?"

"Maybe your brains are wearing off on me," Fiyero suggested.

She yelped. "No! Your lack of brains can't wear off on me! I have a Life Sciences exam coming… you're going to fail it! You'll get me expelled!"

"And you'll ace it," he grinned. "Hey, I'm beginning to like this arrangement…"

"Well, I don't!"

They both stared at each other for a second, their lack of shouting voices making the library the serene place it was supposed to be. Only for a second though, before the click-clack of high heals- and certain disaster- was discernable in the hallway.

Had the two not already been staring at each other, they would have met the other's eyes, silently communicating a message they both realized at the same time: _She's coming._

"Quick!" Elphaba hissed, grabbing a book and throwing it at him.

"Me? Why me? Aren't you the one who… oh, right," he replied, opening it just in time before Galinda's voice squealed from the hallway, "Elphie? Are you in there?" She came into view, spotting the two meters from each other.

"Fiyero, oh, it's you. I heard shouting…"

"That's because that idiot wouldn't stop interrupting my precious studying time!" Fiyero hissed in an imitation of Elphaba. Glancing at her, he saw that she was doing her best not to groan. In response, he chucked the book at her.

"Ouch!" she yelped. "What was that for?"

"You were looking at me." Well, that and he wasn't quite certain why else she had given the book to him…

"Elphie! Honestly, how many times do we have to go over this…"

"It's fine, Galinda," Elphaba grimaced, glaring at me before realizing how un-Fiyero-like the gesture was, promptly looking away. "I was hoping she might tutor me in History in attempts to raise my atrociously low marks, but I think I'm going to take that as a big 'No.'"

"Oh, what a splendicious idea!" Galinda exclaimed. "Come on, Elphie, please? He really needs the marks. Besides, you two could use some time to get to know other… or, at the least, not chuck books at each other whenever you see each other…"

"I don't know," Fiyero said, pretending to be caught in the middle of a hard choice. He knew, of course, that this arrangement would guarantee them time together to work out their dilemma (to put it mildly), among other things.

"That's fine, I mean, I can study on my own," Elphaba replied, evidently not terribly eager to work with Fiyero. Either that or she was enjoying her stay in his body, which he wasn't sure whether to be proud or disgusted about.

"Since when have you been interested in studying, anyway?" Galinda questioned.

"Well, I suppose I could keep squandering my youth away in trivial pursuits," Elphaba replied dryly. Galinda sent her a questioning glance, and Fiyero glared in an Elphaba manner. "In other words, my father contacted me about my responsibilities as heir to the Vinkan throne and has forced me to concentrate on my studies."

"That would be a miracle," Fiyero commented, seizing his opportunity. "You know, maybe you do need my help. Okay, I'll tutor you. In fact, maybe we should continue our discussion on the arrangement of practice sessions- since, of course that was what we were discussing…"

"Minus the book throwing?" Galinda suggested hopefully.

"I have no idea what we were talking about," Elphaba stated. "I wasn't listening."

She really was in a mood, wasn't she?

"Well, now's not a very good time. In fact, now's a very bad time. Elphie, you were supposed to be back an hour ago for our session! Why weren't you back?" Galinda had evidently just experienced one of her frequent instant mood changes and was now looking rather distressed.

"You know. Fiyero was distracting me. He's very distracting," Fiyero answered.

"No! You're never late for anything! I know what you're up to!"

Elphaba and Fiyero glanced at each other nervously.

"Galinda, it isn't what it looks like…" Elphaba began.

"Well, yes it is…" Fiyero filled in.

"I knew it!" Galinda cried. "You're avoiding me!"

Fiyero blinked. "Avoiding you? Why would I be avoiding you? Don't I always isolate myself away from all civilization? You're the only one I do associate myself with and, unfortunately, him. By default, of course. Not on purpose."

"Absolutely!" Elphaba declared. Galinda seemed confused, unsurprisingly. "Really, if anything, she's been avoiding me. Not you."

"Oh, but she always avoids me. Every Wednesday." Galinda pouted as Elphaba's eyes lit up in alarming realization.

"Um, well, is there some schedule or something I've forgotten?" Fiyero asked, as confused as Galinda had been at this point. As they both turned to him, he stared innocently, pointing at the book he had chucked at Elphaba. "I was reading that book."

"Of course," Elphaba muttered.

"It's alright. I forgive you. But only this once. Now, come on!" She reached for Fiyero, pulling him away from Elphaba. For a blonde cheerleader type, she definitely had upper body strength. Of course, cheerleaders generally had that, so it shouldn't have been terribly surprising.

"Um, great?" Fiyero stated as he was helplessly dragged away.

He noticed that Elphaba was shaking her head from behind him.

"Don't worry, Elphie, we're going to have so much fun!" Galinda declared. "I know what you're thinking."

"Great, because I don't. Fill me in."

"That's the next thing we'll need to work on, sarcasm. But, one thing at a time."

"And what would that be?" Fiyero questioned, growing evermore anxious by the second.

"Makeover, of course!"

Suddenly, he wasn't so pleased with their arrangement.

"And you're not getting out of it this time!" Galinda declared happily. "Don't worry, Elphie, I'm gonna make you popular…"

It wasn't until she started singing until he truly realized what he was in for.

**

* * *

**

Review for updates. Or you could do it to make me happy.


	3. I'm Doomed

**Disclaimer: **Do I look like Gregory McGuire or Stephen Schwartz?... well, I don't!

**Notes: **I am back! It's good to see me, isn't it? Just a note, I've never read the Wicked book and really only know the musical's music, so the characters of Shenshen, Pfannee, and Avaric are based solely on what I've read in other fics and my own imagination.

It was almost funny. It really was. That is, would have been, if it had been happening to Elphaba and he had been watching rather than under the nightmarish circumstances that it was happening to him.

He was afraid of some things in the world- though, he'd never admit it being the show-offish prince he was. Truth was, he was afraid of lots of things. Crows in particular, though he had no idea why. Maybe it was the sharp beaks and piercing claws. Or maybe the fact that they never seemed to stop cawing. Either way, it was completely irrational (though, it seemed perfectly rational to him). He even knew the name of his fear: corvophobia, a long word like Elphaba would know.

But nothing- not even crows- was as terrifying as the rows of scented perfumes, hair accessories, and bottles of who-knew-what that lay in front of him at this moment. He knew the name of this fear too: Galinda Upland.

Speaking of the devil, a high-pitched giggle came from behind as Galinda entered the room with an armful of even more oddly shaped bottles- these seemed to be skin care products.

Fiyero sighed. One of only ways he saw himself getting out of this was arguing so much that Galinda had no choice but to agree- which didn't seem likely. When Galinda was determined, not even a furious Madame Morrible backed by a thousand flying monkeys could stop her (not that she'd ever be facing flying monkeys). Really, the only thing that would give Galinda pause was a handsome guy.

Elphaba wanted him to pay for the kiss. That was the only explanation.

Fiyero sighed. Maybe women really weren't joking when they said their lives were so much harder than guys'.

The only other option he was left with was to get Galinda to stall for so long gathering the supplies that she either fell asleep, or morning classes arrived. Both seemed unlikely.

"I'm doomed," Fiyero mumbled, thumping his head on the table.

"Don't say that, Elphie!" Galinda cried, hurrying towards him and dumping her stock on the table in front of him. "I'm determined to succeed."

"That's what I'm afraid of," he replied. "Look, Galinda…"

"Shush! I let you get out of it last time because you locked yourself in the bathroom…"

Immediately, Fiyero leapt out of his chair towards the bathroom at the other end of the room. An unbelievably quick arm grabbed his shoulder and made to snatch him back, pulling with incredible force. He could hardly believe that Galinda had it in her- the pink fingernails clawing into his skin, however, were unmistakable.

"…which you are not getting away with this time, seeing as I hid the key," Galinda continued as she dragged him back into his decorated chair in front of the mirror.

"How clever of you," Fiyero remarked dryly.

"It was, wasn't it?" she clapped. "See, Elphie? Your smartness is rubbing off on me, and soon, my-

"Overly flirtatious habits?" Fiyero filled in.

"-extreme beauty skills will be wearing off on you! Well, worn on you, actually, you should see some of the wardrobe selections I've found for you."

Fiyero groaned. "Galinda, I clash with everything."

"Oh, course you don't," she rattled on. "Green goes with lots of things. Like-" At this, she thrust open the door of the closet to reveal several hideous excuses for clothes, all of them frilly, many of them pink. "Of course, pink's my color, we can't look the same…" She assumed a thoughtful pose. Fiyero took advantage of it.

"You know, maybe we shouldn't focus on the dress part yet, maybe we should start with… um…" Now he was stuck in thought.

"No, no, we _have _to start with clothes. Otherwise the make-up and hair get messed up when you pull the dress over."

"Or we could start with sleep," Fiyero suggested quickly. She glared at him. "I mean, they do call it 'beauty sleep,' so it's not like I'm trying to avoid this by going off-topic or any… so, how was your day?"

"No."

"Um, it wasn't exactly a yes or no question."

After gazing thoughtfully at him for a moment, Galinda turned towards the wardrobe, grabbing some sort of off-white lacey thing.

"Put this on," she ordered, shoving it at him. He stared at her, looking for any sign of her joking. "Well?"

She was serious.

"O-kay," he stated, twisting it around, searching for some sort of head hole. He found it, only to find it was missing arm holes, evidently a sleeveless dress. Come to think of it, it was extremely short, not to mention the fact that strings that hung from the back looked strangely meant for suffocating someone.

But, who was he to question Galinda about the latest fashions, even if they did make him look like some sort of wanna-be model gone wrong? Instead of arguing, he dropped the silk contraption and began unbuttoning his- well, Elphaba's- normal black dress.

"Uh, Elphie?" squeaked Galinda.

"Yeah?" he questioned, looking up at her horrified expression.

"Um, why don't you, well, change in the bathroom?" she suggested hurriedly, blushing.

"What's the matter?" Fiyero asked, somewhat sarcastically. "We're both girls."

"Yes, well, that doesn't mean I need to see… I mean, not that you'd look unflattering, but I really don't…"

"Besides, I'm wearing my undergarment thingie, it's not like you'd see anything." Then, his eyes narrowed. "Hey, what do you mean I look unflattering?"

Ignoring his last statement, she said, "Elphie, those _are _your undergarments."

"Oh," he sounded, staring once more at the lace contraption before jumping up, startled. "What do you mean, I don't wear undergarments?" Reaching down, he lifted his skirt to reveal some sort of long white flannel thing, somewhat less fancy, but clearly Elphaba's version of undergarments. Or, her outermost layer, at least. Fiyero glanced up to see Galinda staring at him. Hurriedly, he dropped his skirt, finishing with an unenthused, "Oh." And then, "Well, if I'm wearing undergarments, how come I have to put this thing on?"

"Because your undergarments are, quite frankly, unflattering and embarrassing."

"There, you said it again, you think I'm unflattering." She made to interrupt, but he stopped her with a torrent of almost indistinguishable words, "Hey, what do you know, we can agree on something! So, why don't we just don't and say we did and forget the whole thing? That is _so _great, see you later, I'm going to go… inhale dusty volumes at the library." He turned to leave only to find the blonde blocking his way, her hands firmly on her hips.

"Elphie, now that we're friends, I am going to make you my new project," she stated firmly.

"Oh, well, you really don't have to do that," he replied, trying to dodge her.

"I know," she replied. "That's what makes me so nice. Now, would you just get in the bathroom already?" She shoved him backwards, and he toppled into the bathroom, tripping on the floor and raising his head in time to hear the door slam.

"I am _so _going to die a slow and painful death," he muttered, smoothing out the now-wrinkled silk dress.

***

"You are _so _going to die a slow and painful death!" Elphaba cried, looking like she was about to smack him. Despite himself, Fiyero grinned, which made her even more angry, which, in her current state, was hilarious. "Don't smile! This is serious. Maybe what happened wasn't your fault, but if you expect me to sit still while you go abuse my…"

"Hey, did I ever say anything about abusing your body?" Fiyero interrupted, having been quite pleased at relaying his pitiful tale to her thus far.

"You were about to," she insisted.

"Yeah, let's see, where was I? Oh, _Galinda _abuses your body some more…"

"I swear, I'll kill her someday," Elphaba fumed.

"Really?"

"Either that or unleash some evil flying monkeys on her."

"What is it with flying monkeys?" Fiyero wondered aloud. As he spoke, he noticed Madame Morrible stiffen as she passed by, sending each of them a strange glance. She hesitated, as if debating whether to approach them.

"Hey, it's your brain!" Elphaba hissed. He glared at her, signaling for her to cut it out.

"Madame Morrible," he addressed, nodding politely as Elphaba might. Elphaba became rigid and slowly turned, her face having lost most of its color. She could be such a goody-two-shoes sometimes.

"Miss Elphaba," she nodded, and turning to Elphaba, she sniffed, "Master Fiyero."

"Madame Morrible," Elphaba stated weakly. From behind Morrible's back, Fiyero gave her a glance that was meant to say, 'Loosen up.' It seemed to have the opposite effect, as Elphaba shrank under Morrible's gaze.

"Master Fiyero," Morrible continued in a voice that could only mean bad news, "I've been meaning to speak to you."

"Me?" Elphaba squeaked. Fiyero stepped on her foot. "Ouch, um, I, uh, well, my foot, uh, me?"

On the bright side, she was mastering Fiyero's brainlessness perfectly.

"Yes, you," Morrible replied. "Both of you, actually."

It was Fiyero's turn to look slightly peaked. Both of them? That was one heck of a coincidence.

"Yes, certainly," he choked out. "May I ask about what?"

"You just have," Morrible said.

"Yes, well, about what are we being…. uh, why do you want to see us?"

"Don't worry, my dear, you're not in trouble," Morrible answered mysteriously, though it was hardly an answer at all. As she turned, he could have sworn she mumbled, "Not yet."

As soon as she was out of sight, Elphaba grabbed his wrist. "She knows! We're going to be expelled! I just knew nothing good would come of kissing you!"

"Relax," Fiyero replied, still uneasy over the headmistress' manner. "She said I'm- you're- not in trouble."

"Why else would she want to see you? Me?"

"Did you do anything last night, perhaps? Something less scandalous than usual?" Fiyero paused. "Speaking of which, what did you do last night?"

"Nothing," came the meek response, too quickly uttered to be true.

"Oh, come on, it can't have been more embarrassing than my night," Fiyero argued, "and you've only heard half of it!"

"Well, why don't I hear the other half so we can compare?" Elphaba suggested.

"Oh, no, you're not getting out of it that easily."

"Well, I refuse to tell you," Elphaba stated, arms folded in front of her chest.

"Well, I refuse to tell you too," Fiyero replied, mimicking her movements.

There was a short pause. "I'm still not telling you, you know," Elphaba said.

"Fine, we'll just keep on sitting and staring at each other until our free period is over, and we're late to class."

"We're not sitting," Elphaba informed him.

He dropped down on the empty bench that conveniently sat right next to them in the courtyard. "Now I am. And I'm not getting up until you tell me, even if that makes _you_-" He emphasized the word for dramatic effect. "-late to class."

"You wouldn't," Elphaba said, but there was a tone of fear in her voice.

"Why not?"

"Because I can still beat you up despite our current predicament," she replied.

"Ouch."

"Trust me, you'd be saying a lot more than, 'Ouch' after that."

He shrugged, enjoying this. "And then you get detention, even expulsion, for beating up a defenseless girl."

"Funny, calling yourself a girl," Elphaba sniffed, "but your logic is wrong."

"How so?" he questioned.

"Your 'you's' are inconsistent. Either I'm me, or I'm you, pick one and stick with it."

"That has got to be one of the oddest sentences I've ever heard myself say," he noticed, and by saying so answered her question.

"Well, I can't even imagine some of the things you normally say," she shuddered, a hint at what she had experienced last night.

He shifted closer to her. "Oh? And what did I happen to say last night?"

She glared at him at the unsubtle approach, but with a sigh, she complied, relaying her tale.

***

Elphaba was used to staying late at the library. Granted, she usually stayed late studying for exams, or even studying in general. And when she did that, she was usually nice and comfortable in her own chair, which fit her perfectly, rather than squeezing tightly while in the body of a foolish oaf of a prince who wouldn't be caught dead in the library unless it involved seducing a certain innocent green girl, who happened to be extremely ticked off at that Winkie prince at the moment…

***

"Okay, okay, I get the point!" Fiyero grumbled. "You're mad at me."

"Not mad. Furious. Enraged. Livid…"

"I get that point too."

"It's the same point to be gotten."

"Whatever. Just get on with it."

***

Like the other times, she was reading from a rather thick and dusty volume, one that had clearly been ignored for several years. Of course, that may have been because she had swiped it from the restricted section only for teachers and in the process had been forced to pick a lock and nearly get caught by a male student who evidently didn't understand the unwritten rule that the library was to be _empty_ of students at all times.

Less than an hour had passed in Fiyero's body, and she was already becoming a delinquent. Currently, she was working very hard to change that- being in Fiyero's body, not his status as a delinquent, for she couldn't care less about his status, social or otherwise. Unfortunately, despite the complex magic rituals described in this book, there had been nothing useful.

She was doomed…

***

"Please don't say that's all you did," Fiyero interrupted. "Because that's boring, and quite frankly, is incomparable to my version of 'doomed.'"

"Well, maybe if you'd quit interrupting and let me finish my sentence, we'd get past my griping and into the real story," Elphaba gritted.

"What? You mean this isn't the real story? And aren't you usually the one who won't let me get a word in?"

"Controversial personas, remember?"

"Oh. Right." He shrugged. "Hey, I'm being brainless! That's a good sign, right?"

Elphaba covered her face with her hands, sighing, "We're doomed."

***

She was doomed, her exact thought as she heard the footsteps and giggles emerging from the hallway. Sighing, she lifted her book to cover her face before continuing to read, despite the din in the outer world.

So absorbed, or concentrating so hard in attempts to become absorbed, she didn't hear the footsteps approach her, which was quite an accomplishment seeing the ridiculous amount of noise the owners were making.

Hence, she was quite irritated when her book was pulled away from her, replaced by an elegant hand filled with the latest style of rings and the most popular nail polish. Looking up, she found Shenshen towering above her, smiling flirtatiously while managing an expression that warned danger to anyone who might interrupt. As always, trailing closely behind her was Pfannee, who was curling her hair with her finger, not that it could get much bouncier after all of the washing, curling, and blow-drying Elphaba watched Galinda do each morning.

"Why Fiyero, what a surprise!" Shenshen squealed in a voice that made Elphaba wince. "I didn't think someone like you would be here."

"Why not?" Elphaba demanded, trying to hide her immense irritation from her tone. Despite her internal desire to kill Fiyero, she wasn't too eager to let the world know she was trapped in his body. After all, the blame would probably fall on her. Not that it didn't already, even if Fiyero pretended not to blame her.

"Well, I, um, well, quite honestly, I wasn't certain you could read," Shenshen admitted.

"The feeling is mutual," Elphaba replied smugly. "But, of course, it's unlikely I'd pass the entrance exams to get into Shiz if I didn't know how, so I suppose I had to learn at some point."

"How clever of you!" Pfannee clapped her hands in delight.

"You know, I'd probably take that as an insult," Elphaba stated, grabbing for her book unsuccessfully, which only drew Shenshen's attention to it.

"What's this you're reading?" she questioned, her finger tracing the title as she read aloud, "_Magical Theory: Spells, Curses, and Countercurses_." She flipped it open, paging through and coughing at the expel of dust. "Ugh, it's so… old and dusty!"

"You seem to like the Ozdust alright," Elphaba commented impatiently.

"Why would you want to read something like this anyway?" Shenshen asked.

"Uh, it's a classic," Elphaba replied lamely.

"It's so thick!" Pfannee replied, as if it were the most astute observation in the world.

"Yeah, so are you," Elphaba muttered.

"What was that?" Pfannee questioned, cupping her hand to her ear, making a show of her newest silver earrings that dangled down precariously.

"I said, I really need to study…" Elphaba began.

"Oh! What a coincidence! So do we!" Shenshen interrupted. "That's why we came here!"

"I thought we came here because we wanted F…" Pfannee began.

"Hey, I've got a splendicious idea!" Shenshen cut in. "Why don't we all study together?" She seemed extremely pleased with herself, and Pfannee giggled delightfully, "Yes, let's!"

Elphaba sighed. "You two aren't even in any of my classes."

"Yes, we are!" Pfannee squealed.

"Of course, you just haven't seen us because we like sitting in the back," Shenshen explained.

"Uh-huh," Elphaba replied skeptically. "And I sit in the front."

She had meant it sarcastically, but Pfannee seemed to take it at face value.

"Then you'll be perfect to study with!" she declared.

"Then it's settled, let's get started," Shenshen stated, pulling out a chair at a near-by table and sitting herself down. Pfannee copied her hurriedly. "So, what are you doing this weekend?"

"How does that even relate to studying?" Elphaba asked. There had to be some way to get out of this. "Look, isn't there some party you two should be attending?"

"No, that's three days from now, remember?" Shenshen answered. "Say, you don't happen to have a date, do you?"

"I'm going out with Galinda, remember?" Elphaba shot back. Ugh, it felt awkward to say that.

"Yes, but I thought maybe she'd have dumped you by now or something," Shenshen complained.

"But if she did dump you, you'd go out with me, right?" Pfannee interjected.

Shenshen laughed, Pfannee pouted, and Elphaba winced. "You can be _so _funny sometimes!" Shenshen declared. "Of course, he'd go out with me."

"He would not!" Pfannee cried. "Fiyero, you would go out with me, right?"

"Hey! I asked first!" Shenshen snapped. "Besides, he clearly finds me more attractive, look at his eyes!"

"He's rolling his eyes at your stupidity!"

"Brains aren't everything, or he'd be dating Elphaba!"

Elphaba coughed at this. Did brains matter to Fiyero? Why else would he be attracted to her? Was he even attracted to her? Why was she even thinking about him that way at a moment like this when she should be ready to kill him for putting her in the middle of a soon-to-be catfight!

"Obviously, he can't even bare to look at you!" Pfannee shouted, knocking her chair back. "You're too stupid, and I never liked you anyway, and, and, you have stupid hair!"

"Oh, yeah?" Shenshen thrust her chair backwards with such force that Elphaba was surprised it didn't burst apart. "Well, you're a fat, ugly hag who's-" She paused, searching for a good insult. "-fat and ugly!"

Pfannee gasped dramatically. "You did not just call me fat!"

"I did," Shenshen replied smugly, arms folded over her chest. "And I'll do it again."

"How dare you, horrendible little…" Unable to come up with a good finish, Pfannee slapped Shenshen, who stumbled backwards, shocked. Elphaba simply raised her eyebrows.

"Feel better?" Shenshen questioned, fire in her gaze.

"Yes," Pfannee replied.

"Good." Shenshen reached forward and smacked Pfannee. "Me too."

"Ugh!" At last, the catfight broke out, Pfannee tackling Shenshen to the floor. Shenshen struggled against her, screeching at the top of her lungs, "Fat! Fat! Fat!"

Elphaba inched away, trying to avoid the dueling girls, who by now had resorted to biting each other and pulling each other's long hair. She wondered if it would be better to slowly disappear or to make a desperate break for the door.

Then, she noticed the book lying open on the table.

"Oh, sweet Lurline!" she muttered, and made a dash for the book, leaping on the table to avoid a wayward punch. At the sudden blur of motion, Shenshen looked up, her dark curls hanging over her eyes, some of Pfannee's blonde hair dangling from her mouth.

"No!" she shrieked, pushing Pfannee aside to hurdle herself at Elphaba. Flinging her arms around Elphaba, Shenshen began a passionate, one-sided embrace, slobbering all over both of them. Elphaba tried to pull away but found Fiyero's body gangly and awkward.

Pfannee, now recovered, bounded for Shenshen, knocking the two over so that all three of them landed on the table. The impact made Fiyero's already splitting headache nearly unbearable.

Elphaba moaned. _What did I ever do to deserve this?_

When she opened her eyes, she found Shenshen and Pfannee at each other again, only this time, the book sat between them.

"A monster has a prettier face than you!" Pfannee screeched, shredding several pages of the book.

"Elphaba has a prettier face than you!" Shenshen retorted, tearing the cover off the book.

"Same thing!" Pfannee replied, ripping the spine to pieces.

"Why, thank you," Elphaba muttered.

"Huh?" Shenshen questioned.

"For utterly destroying my favorite book!" she snapped. "I appreciate it. A lot!"

"Why, thank you," Shenshen blushed.

Elphaba sighed. "That was sarcasm, perhaps you've heard of it? It's the thing where you say one thing and mean another, and _no_, I am not talking about irony this time!"

They gaped at each her, them each other, then back at her.

She sighed again. "How did you manage to learn human speech?"

"I spoke my first word when I was five!" Pfannee declared proudly.

"Oh, yeah? Well, I was six," Shenshen retorted.

"So I beat you," Pfannee pointed out.

"I mean, I was six years younger than you!" Shenshen corrected hastily.

"So you were… um…" Pfannee struggled to do the math.

"Negative two?" Elphaba filled in.

"Yeah!" Pfannee cried. "Wait, that's not possible is it?"

"Nope."

"See? I'm smart, Fiyero's smart, we deserve each other," Pfannee declared, very proud of her logic.

"Yeah, well I can't be smart now that you destroyed my _favorite _book," Elphaba gritted, reinforcing the original point.

Both girls gasped, then glared at each other.

"You destroyed Fiyero's favorite book!" Pfannee squealed.

"No, you destroyed his favorite book!" Shenshen screamed, making for Pfannee once more, who bore her fingernails, as sharp as cat claws. Hence the catfight part.

"Lurline, please, spare me!" Elphaba prayed.

As if answering her prayer, at that moment, Avaric entered the room, glancing dubiously at the struggling girls.

Well, he wasn't exactly Lurline, but he would have to do.

"Um, am I interrupting anything?" Avaric questioned, gesturing towards Shenshen and Pfannee, who, at his voice, halted their struggle, their heads snapping up.

"Yes, but does it matter?" Elphaba answered. Avaric turned to face her.

"Hey, you actually found the library? See, this is a school, and we're the students, and we check out books, and then we learn things." He grinned scandalously.

"I was beginning to think that was a myth," she sniffed.

"Yeah, so… are you out of your mind?!"

"For a while, you just figured it out?"

"Not you, them." He pointed towards Shenshen and Pfannee, who were now clawing at each other with more than their fingernails. "Though, while we're on the subject, what exactly are you doing here?"

"Nothing productive."

"Well, that's kind of the point of life, isn't it?"

"Avaric, which one of us does Fiyero deserve?" Pfannee whined.

"Me!" Shenshen proclaimed, pinning Pfannee to the ground.

"No, me!" Pfannee countered, raising her hand from the ground.

"Neither of you, he's not good enough for you," Avaric declared. "I'm sorry girls, yes, I know you're disappointed, no, it's not up for consideration, yes, I am available on Saturday…"

"Mine!" they both called at once, resuming their catfight with vigor.

Avaric grinned. "Good, I'll see the one of you who doesn't get killed on Saturday!" Then, he turned back to Elphaba. "Now, come on, Boq's waiting!"

"Don't tell me for what, I really don't want to know," Elphaba replied, making haste towards the door.

Avaric followed. "Well, besides your break-up with Galinda…"

"Fiyero broke up with Galinda?" Both girls paused their fight, Shenshen in the process of dragging Pfannee across the floor by her hair.

"Well, I certainly wouldn't know," Elphaba muttered, dragging Avaric out the door, leaving the girls to figure out the statement on their own.

***

"So, as you can see, I am obviously more doomed than you are," Elphaba declared, folding her arms over her chest, her eyes daring him to do better.

Fiyero decided to accept the challenge. "Ha! You think that's bad? Just wait until you hear the rest…"

**

* * *

**

Which is coming soon, especially with reviews. By the way, anyone catch the Buffy line I threw in there? Or knows which episode it came from?


	4. The Rest

**Disclaimer: **Alas, it was not to be.

**Notes: **Happy Fourth of July to all those who celebrate it and even to those who don't. It's a holiday, the Williams sisters just played in the Wimbledon finals, and you finally get the update that's been sitting on my computer for a week… anyone in a generous mood today who's willing to review? Okay, this and the next chapter were originally going to be one chapter, but I decided to split them up because it was getting too long. "The Almighty Bob" Fiyero mentions is from Wicked'elphaba-fiyero's "He's a She," one of the best fics out there, if you haven't already read it, GO READ IT!!! After you finish mine, of course, complete with a review…

He was thinking naughty thoughts. He was thinking at all; the world had to be coming to an end. Glancing at the silky undergarments, then back at his own body, Fiyero Tiggular deduced that his world must be.

_And here I was beginning to think thinking wasn't such a bad thing, _he mused as a rush of images scattered through his mind. He enjoyed them for a moment before banging his fist against the floor, which really didn't do anything to resolve his current crisis besides make his fist hurt. A lot.

_Come on, don't think, aren't you the Prince of Brainlessness? _he scolded himself anxiously, clawing at the undergarments. _Just don't think of anything, and put the dress-thing on…Ouch, my fist hurts… Okay, I guess that's safe to think. Think about the pain, very painful, isn't it? That's it, keep being smart… My fist hurts, though it's really Elphaba's fist… Elphaba in silk… Gah! Quit thinking! _

Of course, when one tried not to think, it was practically impossible. Sighing, Fiyero continued his internal rambling. _Think about roses, and flowers, and grass… green like Elphaba in a mini-dress…Come on, Fiyero, think! I mean, don't think! The square root of 49 is 6! 13 inches in a foot! Red and blue makes green… I wonder what Elphaba would look like in…FIYERO!_

_Yeah, she really does look good in me. Oz, you're never going to get the dress on. _He began humming rapidly._ Life's more painless when you're brainless… naked Elphaba… STOP THINKING!_

Looking down, he found he had succeeding in turning the cursed thing inside-out with one foot sticking through the wrong end. He hadn't even succeeded in removing Elphaba's drab school dress, now slightly askew with several buttons undone. Obviously, his "not-thinking-while-putting-the-dress-on" plan had failed miserably.

Maybe he could just use willpower not to look down. Concentrating on a tile on the wall, he finished unbuttoning the dress, thinking with all his might, _I am not looking. I am not looking._

Fiyero winced as he felt the soft flesh on the back his neck. _I do not want to die. I am not looking._

He slid the dress off, trying not to remind himself that now all that was left was Elphaba's flannel undergarments. His mind raced, _I am not looking, I am not… _His eyes widened, suddenly no longer focused on the tile. _Oh, Oz, I'm looking, I am looking… Gah!_

Fiyero whipped his head up, for him a very gallant action. Despite his shady background with women, he was determined not to let this one get away from him. He didn't even know why he was so attracted to her, it wasn't as if she was anymore beautiful than any of the former girls. Well, okay, that was a lie, Elphaba was absolutely gorgeous, though in a much different matter. Maybe it was her charming personality.

_Maybe I have a death wish, _Fiyero grimaced, breathing heavily. He didn't want to disrespect Elphaba… well, okay, maybe a small part of him wouldn't mind. More like he didn't want to be murdered in his sleep. And a little nobility on his part.

Despite the stakes, he knew, he was going to look. His eyes glanced up, finding a towel hanging from its rack. _Well, _he concluded, _then I guess I've got to make sure I can't look._

After several minutes of struggling, he finally managed to have tied the towel over his eyes… well, most of his face, actually, so now he was having trouble breathing, and some of the bristles were poking him in the eye, but at least he couldn't see a thing.

_She had better thank me after this, _he growled, groping for the buttons on the back._ No, not thank me, she'd better take me out for dinner. Or better, invite me over for a sleepover where I get to blindfold her and make her undress herself… Oz, that sounded wrong…_

He managed, somehow, to unbutton the first three buttons before giving up entirely and just ripping the thing off himself. Wincing as he heard cloth tear in several places, he squirmed out of it.

The dress had a tenacious grip. It was a silent game of tug-of-war between the two of them, and quite sadly, the dress appeared to be winning. And, well, it wasn't exactly that silent.

"OW!" Fiyero yelped as he ran into something big, either the sink or the rack beside the sink that held even more of Galinda's perfumes, if it was even possible for her to possess more. As bottles began toppling down from every direction, he figured it was the rack.

"Ouch, Lurline, Unnamed God, Almighty Bob, whoever else wants to take credit for this!" He heard several bottles shatter as they collided with the floor, making him wary of the sharp shards of glass now lying about everywhere. So wary, that he forgot about the _other _stuff, the gooey puddles of muck (in other words, foul smelling perfume), which he promptly slipped in, tripping to the floor and landing on bits of pointy objects he didn't want to know the name of.

Kicking off what remained of Elphaba's undergarments, Fiyero shouted at the top of his lungs, "CURSE YOU TO THE PITS OF THE ALMIGHTY BOB'S WRATH! NO, TO THE PITS OF THE PITS OF THE…"

"ELPHIE!" came Galinda's voice from outside. "Are you okay in there?!"

"NO! I mean, yeah, don't come in I'm naked… GAH! Don't think about that, Fiyero!"

"Is there a reason you would be thinking about him?" Galinda questioned.

"Of course not, that's just my version of… swearing, Oz, that hurts!"

"Are you sure you're…?"

"The opposite of, thank you very much, just go… go do some girlish thing and quit eavesdropping!"

He heard Galinda's footsteps retreat as she mumbled something under her breath.

"Seriously, I thought this door was soundproofed," Fiyero muttered, groping across the floor for Galinda's undergarments. He found them somewhere in the far corner, luckily untainted with any of the venomous liquids he had knocked over in his battle.

"Alright, time to finish this," he declared in a husky tone, ready for a heroic struggle. Taking a deep breath, Fiyero planned his next move, the only possible way to win this war. In other words, he arranged himself in a meditation pose and began praying, "Please, let me defeat the evil forces of Galinda's wardrobe, and then we can all sit in a happy circle and sing cheery songs, and while you're at it can I have a milli… OW!" Somehow, he managed to trip while sitting down, smacking his head on the side of the bathtub. "BOB!!!!"

"Huh? You want Bob?" Galinda questioned.

"Yeah, I want to kill him, and I thought I told you to stop eavesdropping!"

Oblivious to his irritation, Galinda continued, "Poor Bob… wait, is he that annoying munchkin who constantly stalks me? Because I don't mind if you kill him."

"No, that would be Boq," Fiyero answered, diving for the undergarments and missing. "Galinda, did you by any chance hear the door ring?" he questioned, praying to Bob or whoever the heck was listening that she would go away.

"Doorbell? I didn't hear the doorbell. My hair's not ready! My make-up is smeared! Do we even have a doorbell? HOLD ON A MINUTE!" she called to the imaginary person outside.

"And the clock is on," Fiyero muttered. "And…CHARGE!" He launched himself in the direction he thought the undergarments must be, tackling them. "A clean catch by the offence…" He shoved the dress over himself, knocking his towel further over his eyes and leaving one of his eyes with a clear sight of one of Elphaba's bare legs. "Ah, he's down, he's down!" he shouted nonsensically as he heaved the dress all the way down, trying to cover everything as quickly as possible.

The towel fell to the ground not a moment too soon. _Well, maybe one moment,_ he thought as he shoved the dress up a bit, but it didn't really matter. He hadn't seen anything he hadn't seen before, not that that narrowed down the options much.

Stepping forward, satisfied, he studied himself in the mirror, displaying the silky garment with pride. "Hey, I recognize these…" Then, he promptly shut up, examining himself in silence.

_Oz, she's hot… Oz, I'm hot!_

Unable resist, he arranged himself on top of the sink, his legs curled in plain view, his hair down, spreading everywhere. The dress sagged a bit, only adding to the effect.

"Hello, beautiful," he whistled. He blinked his eyes in rapid succession, making Bambi eyes. He made overdramatic hand gestures, smoothing out the undergarments. "I love you, Fiyero," he drawled seductively. "Why don't you come closer? Don't be afraid, I don't bite… unless you want me too." Fiyero positioned himself closer to the mirror. "There, that's better. You know, you have the most amazing abs… How would you like to…" His head drew closer.

"Oh no, we really shouldn't," Fiyero argued meekly in a more manly voice, closer to Elphaba's true tone than his imitation of her was.

"Why not?" the Elphaba him questioned.

"Because I'm a noble and humble prince who doesn't deserve such a radiant beauty! No, no, no, that's lame. Because… Ours is a forbidden love! We cannot be together!"

"Oh, Fiyero, you're so noble…"

"I am, aren't I?"

"All of this is my fault. Your suffering…"

"Is nothing, I assure you…"

"Take me, Fiyero Tiggular!"

"Well, I suppose one kiss couldn't hurt…" He paused. "Well, it kinda did, but let's pretend I didn't say that, okay?"

"Okay."

"Now, where were we? Ah, yes, the gushy kissing part…"

He leaned forward, breaking out into a passionate embrace with the mirror, rubbing his hands along the sides and groaning softly.

"Um, Elphie?" Galinda squeaked.

"Gah!" Fiyero yelped.

***

"Fiyero?"

Fiyero blinked, his eyes refocusing on Elphaba, who was waving her hand in front of his eyes. "Huh?"

"You were about to tell me the rest," she prodded.

"Oh. Yeah, the rest, right," he said. "Uh, well, I fell over a lot, I knocked over a rack of Galinda's perfumes, I cut myself on glass. Oh, and I was blindfolded while this happened, I'm not _that_ clumsy."

"Oh, really. And why were you blindfolded?"

"Well, I was changing into those horrid undergarments- and they itched, I swear I'm breaking out into hives in a place I'm afraid to look."

"You blindfolded yourself because you were changing?" Elphaba asked skeptically.

"Yeah. I figured you wouldn't appreciate it much if I peeked."

"Oh." After a pause, she added, "Thank you."

It really was enough after all. He beamed despite the fact she insisted that smiles clashed with her. His grin fell slightly as he began to feel guilty for editing the sequence of events. But, he was sure that there were certain things she'd hide from him too, though probably not so scandalous or so many.

"And I pounded my fist into the ground, and let me tell you, that really hurts," Fiyero continued. "And that's not half of it…"

***

"Gah!" Fiyero yelped, toppling over for the… he had lost count, the really large numbereth time. "You're supposed to knock! I could have been naked!" A wide grin spread on his face. "Oh, I could have been naked…"

"What are you doing?" Galinda questioned, staring at his sprawled form across the floor, still somewhat shocked.

"Were. Because I'm a grammar freak, and I'm not doing it anymore, and I wasn't even doing it in the first place, you just imagined it… um, practicing my kissing?"

Galinda giggled. "I wasn't aware you had such feelings for our mirror… have you asked it yet?"

"Very funny."

"Aren't I? Now, hurry we…" At her pause, he glanced up in time to see her cheerful expression fade to one of pure outrage as she noticed her shattered perfumes. "What happened in here?!" she demanded.

"Uh, evil cyclone from Kansas?" he tried. "Honestly, it's a miracle I survived, those things tend to drop large objects on unsuspecting young sorceresses."

"But… but…" Galinda stammered.

"I'm sorry," Fiyero apologized sincerely, seeing the hurt in the blonde's eyes. "I knocked over the rack when I was changing. That's why I took so long, I didn't want you to… I- I can pay for it, I think." He looked down, pretending to be ashamed. He felt a hand being placed on his shoulder. Glancing at it, the pink nail polish shone as Galinda pulled him up.

"It's okay, Elphie, I removed all of the pretty ones to use on you anyway," Galinda chattered. She clapped her hands excitedly. "Besides, I'm just excitified to dress you up! You're gonna be popular…"

"Wait, this wasn't the dressing up?" Fiyero questioned, holding back a groan.

"Of course not! Do you think I'd ever let you go out like that in public? People would call you worse things than they already do."

"I'll bet," Fiyero replied truthfully. If anyone saw him in this… he really didn't feel like finishing that statement.

"Let's see… what to wear, what to wear," Galinda mused, shuffling through the various puffy gowns in her wardrobe. She plucked two mini-dresses out. "Okay, do you want to appear shy, coy, and naïve-" She gestured to a dress that was in no way any of the words she listed. "-or unrestrained, insatiable, and aggressive?"

"Uh, you know, I'm a little shy, except for around everyone because I'm so busy trying to argue with them, and uh…" Fiyero's eyes nearly popped out at the aggressive selection. He would never live through wearing _that_."Besides, the boys probably don't like that overly assertive look." He stepped forward, shifting through her closet, wincing at several of the selections. Elphaba would absolutely murder him if she saw him wearing most of this stuff. There had to be something tame… "Oh, hey, here's something." He pulled out… "A nice comfy overcoat and a ski cap!"

Galinda stared at the long black coat and knit ski cap skeptically, then at Fiyero, who was smiling nervously.

"The ear flaps will bring out my eyes," he explained.

"Right," Galinda emphasized. "How about this one?" She handed him a sapphire dress that, while ruffled, wasn't overly frilly and went down below his knees. One that Elphaba wouldn't like much but would approve of.

Fiyero shrugged. "Okay."

Galinda looked dumb-founded. "Okay? Okay?"

"I mean, it's perfect!" Fiyero exclaimed. "I love it, you are such a savior, how would I survive without you, am I overdoing it?"

"A little. But I meant, did you actually say yes to one of my suggestions without any death threats?"

"Oh." He raised his voice in a falsetto- though, seeing as it was Elphaba's voice, it wasn't exactly a falsetto. "I'm going to kill you, Galinda!"

Galinda giggled. "You're funny, Elphie. I meant death threats from me."

"What, you give death threats too? What is it with women and their desire to murder everyone around them?" Remembering his current predicament, he added, "Uh, our desire. Our. As in both of us, women."

"There are explanations," Galinda shrugged.

"Like?"

She blushed. "You have to ask?"

"It must be obvious."

"It really is." Galinda pushed Fiyero back into the bathroom. "Now, change into that, and try not to destroy the bathroom this time!"

"Hey… I can't think of a good comeback right now," Fiyero shot back. Galinda rolled her eyes and closed the door. "But, you mark my words, one will come, and then, then, you'll be sorry. And, and, Lurline, I'm pathetic."

He straightened the dress, holding it up against himself and examining himself in the mirror. "You know, I really should have gone aggressive," he commented.

**Another Buffy line hidden in here, anyone catch it? And another chapter coming up soon! But only if you review… Hey, at least I'm not making death threats.**


	5. A Galindafied Elphabody Fiyero

**Disclaimer: **Still not mine, and I don't see that changing anytime soon, unless I somehow magically switch bodies…

**Notes: **I'm going to be gone for a few days, so I look forward to returning to an inbox overflowing with reviews/alerts/favorites (hint, hint). Oh, and the journalist Liiku I mention is from IchikoWindGriffin's "Cursed Blood," also an awesome story that isn't getting as many reviews as it should (more hint, hint).

Minutes later, Fiyero emerged from the bathroom, pleased with his appearance. It was odd, he wasn't dreading this nearly as much as he should have. The chance to see Elphaba get all spruced up. He didn't know what that said about him and really didn't want to know.

He stood awkwardly under the Galinda inspection, rolling his eyes and making faces when she wasn't looking.

"Oh, Elphie! Look at you! You're all prettified!" Galinda squealed. She stopped. "Well, not quite yet…"

She led him over to the decorated chair in front of the lit up mirror, lights on full. All of the bottles were arranged perfectly, although Fiyero couldn't tell how. Knowing Galinda, it was probably by the fancifulness of the container of something.

"_Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I_," Galinda declared in a sing-song tone, _"-and, let's face it: who isn't- less fortunate than I, my tender heart tends to start to bleed_…" She took a breath as Fiyero reached to examine one of the accessories. Her hand caught his in mid-path. "Don't touch that. _And when someone needs a makeover, I simply have to take over, I know I know exactly what they need._"

She placed her hands on either side of his head, straightening it so that it directly faced the mirror. "_And even in your case, though it's the toughest case I've yet to face_…"

"No kidding," Fiyero muttered, suddenly not so eager to see a Galindafied Elphaba. More accurately, a Galindafied Elphaba Fiyero.

"Shush, I'm talking," Galinda quieted.

"No, you're not, you're singing," Fiyero argued.

"Same thing!"

"No, it's not! Your talking doesn't make my head hurt… usually."

"_Don't worry, I'm determined to_…_"_

"Secede?" Fiyero filled in.

"No! _Follow my lead…_"

"Great, does that mean I have to start singing too? Because I can't sing- wait, can I sing?" Testing his hypothesis, he continued the song, "_And, yes, indeed, I will be_…"

"_Popular_," Galinda sang.

"_No, I'd just be awkwarder_," he argued. Wow, he could sing. She could sing. They could both sing. Actually, come to think about it, all of them could sing and did at random points during life. He'd never found it odd before. There had to be an explanation for it.

_I've got it! A demon named Sweet must have been summoned from the Hellmouth, which actually resides under Shiz, explaining some of the seemingly supernatural events, and Sweet causes people to sing and dance and spontaneously combust, hence the constant singing._ He felt quite proud of his conclusion despite that fact that people didn't spontaneously combust until later in the story when the scarecrow came in.

"_I'll show the proper poise when you talk to boys, little ways to flirt and flounce_…" Galinda squealed.

"What is it with me and having to pretend to like guys?" Fiyero demanded, unheard by Galinda as she continued.

"_I'll show you what shoes to wear, how to fix your hair,_ _everything that really counts to be popular…_ Here, hand me that brush… no, no, that's a comb, this is a brush… there." She began brushing his hair with vigor, Fiyero wincing with every stroke. "Honestly, I'm not pulling that hard. Stop acting like you've never brushed your hair before!"

"Actually, that's not far from the truth owww!" He glared at her through the mirror. "That hurt!"

"And it's your fault it's this tangled in the first place," she stated indifferently, sticking a rose in the thick, raven hair, rearranging it several times.

"It's actually not," Fiyero argued, and then, remembering the amorous nature of the kiss, he added, "Well, maybe it is."

"_Popular. I'll help you be popular_…"

"_Don't put that there, ouch that hurts! Now a soreness spurts from that very painful blow_…"

"_So, let's start, 'cause you've got an awfully long way to go_," Galinda informed him, now jiggling her arms and legs around crazily- maybe this was where the combustion part began, she was "dancing," if that was the right word, fast enough.

"_Well, I'm offended by your frank analysis, see, I have a personality paralysis_..."

"Paralysis?" Galinda questioned.

Fiyero shrugged in turn. "It's like trying to rhyme something with orange."

"_Now that I've chosen to become a pal, a sister, and advisor_..."

"_I fear for my life more_," Fiyero commented quiet truthfully.

"_But, when it comes to popular_," Galinda argued, grabbing the first bottle of perfume. "_I know about popular. And with an assist from me to be who you'll be, instead of dreary who you were... Well, are._"

"You've got that right," Fiyero muttered, dodging a spray of some flowery smelling perfume. "Well, except for the dreary part. And the you part."

"_There's nothing that can stop you, from becoming populer... lar_…"

Snatching another bottle, Galinda sprayed the perfume throughout the entire room as she danced, oblivious to Fiyero's coughs. "_La, la_…"

"_Cough, cough_!" he choked.

"_I'm gonna make you popular_." Galinda returned to her position behind the chair, and, after one more squirt of perfume, she said, "Look at you, Miss Elphaba. You're beautiful."

There was a long pause before Fiyero added, "Really?"

"Yes! Now all you need is-"

Fiyero groaned.

"-an audience. Which will happen tomorrow, in school! Everyone will see you."

"I'm assuming that you're assuming that that's a good thing?"

"Yes! _You will be popular, yes popular, you see! You will be popular!_"

And in unison, they sang, Fiyero in a lower tone, "_Just not quite as popular as_…"

Galinda screeched out one final (and painful) note, "_ME_!" After a moment, Fiyero added softly, "_Me_." Suddenly, he was homesick, if that was the right word. Bodysick… nah, that sounded like some bizarre case of Ozinitus or something. Glancing at himself in the mirror, Elphaba stared back at him, looking depressed. Not that she wasn't beautiful, but she wasn't him. Discounting the fact that currently, she was him.

He realized that, despite his faults, he liked the person he was. Maybe Elphaba could learn to like that person too. After a moment's thought, he scoffed. After this terrible occurrence? Unlikely.

Galinda seemed to sense that something was wrong and halted her dancing. Wordlessly, Fiyero turned his back from the mirror and plopped down on Elphaba's bed.

"Elphie?" He peered up to find the blonde staring at him, concern in her eyes. In less than an instant, she had gone from a bubbling princess to a worried counselor. Maybe she really was a pal, sister, and advisor. Or maybe it was just mood swings…

"Galinda?" Fiyero began gloomily.

"Yes?" The blonde climbed onto the bed beside him. Normally, he'd be thrilled to share a bed with her, but in this case, it was different. Not just the bodies. He wasn't sure what he felt for her anymore, only that it wasn't love. Or, if it was, a different kind of love, a love he might have been contented with had he not met Elphaba.

"Why do I have to be in love with the only person who wants to murder me?"

Galinda's eyes widened. "You're in love?" And instantly, her spark was back. "Who? What? Where? When? How? Why?"

"Ever considered being a journalist?" he questioned.

"You're in love with a journalist?" she squeaked. "You can't be in love with a journalist, everybody hates journalists!" She paused. "Let's see, journalists… Liiku?"

"Who?" he questioned.

"See, this is why you can't date a journalist, you start questioning like them!" Galinda exclaimed.

"No, no, no, Galinda, I'm not in love with a journalist."

"Oh." There was a pause. "Who are you in love with?" And then, "Wait, it's not Biq, is it? The one you decided to murder in the bathroom?"

"That was Bob, creator of the universe, and no, I am not in love with Boq… because that would be _so _wrong," Fiyero groaned. Not that he had anything against homosexuals. He even knew a few. He just wasn't among their number. Though, currently, he wasn't sure what he classified as since technically he was a women who liked other women…

"Then who?" Galinda persisted. "Bob?"

"No, he's in love with Fred?"

"Who?"

"Fred."

"Who's Fred?"

"Fred."

Galinda frowned, giving up. "So, you can't go out with Bob because you found out he's gay…"

"Well, Fred could be girl," Fiyero pointed out.

"Who names a girl Fred?" Galinda asked.

"Well, there's Illyria."

"How can her name be Fred if it's Illyria?"

"I don't know, I haven't watched the show yet. Look, can we get on with the argument already?"

"Okay, let me get this straight: you're going out with someone who wants to kill you, and it's not Biq…"

"Boq," Fiyero corrected.

"Boq, because you're trying to kill him…"

"Galinda, maybe you should just adopt my- Fiyero's regime."

"If you don't try, you never look foolish?" she frowned. "Since when have you liked Fiyero anyway? Oh my gosh, you can't like him! He's mine! He's already proposed to me and everything. See? I even have ring." She dangled her hand in front of his eyes. Fiyero jumped back to avoid being poked in the eye.

"Yes, yes, I see the… ring…" He trailed off. He hadn't proposed to her, had he? Panic rose in his chest.

"But- but," Fiyero stammered. "I- _he _couldn't have proposed! He hasn't even been here that long." He paused to take a breath. "He was drunk, that was it. He must have been drunk."

"Elphie, slow down!" Galinda order. "What are you saying? Fiyero got drunk?"

"Well, it does happen quite often, often with major consequences," he said. "Listen, Galinda, I don't think… are you sure he proposed to you? And it wasn't just sleep talking or something? Because I- _he_, lots of people actually, talk in their sleep. It's a perfectly common and entirely subconscious thing which has _nothing _to do with the inner desires of a person despite the fact that's what subconscious implies. And, and, oh, if I sleep talk tonight, let me assure you, unless it has something to do with a giant donut…"

"Elphie! Calm down! Why are you so worked up today?" Without waiting for an answer, Galinda went on, "If it makes you feel better, he hasn't proposed to me yet."

"Thank Bob," Fiyero sighed.

"Okay, now I'm really confusified. You're thanking the person you're trying to murder?"

"Galinda, it's… wait, yet? Proposed _yet_?"

"Yes. Because he's going to, and we're going to have lots of children, and they'll all be blonde girls named Flinda, Giyera, and other combinations of our names." At his skeptical glance, "Okay, we can name one Faba after you, but that's it!"

"Galinda, listen… maybe…. well, maybe Fiyero's not the one."

"Oh, he is."

"Oh?"

"He told me he loved me."

"Galinda, he tells his mother he loves her…"

"HE'S IN LOVE WITH HIS MOTHER?!" she shrieked. "Isn't that illegal? Of course, since they do rule the country, I suppose they make the rules… Gosh, what does the father think? Why do I care what the father thinks, FIYERO'S MINE!"

"No, he's not!" Fiyero interrupted. Galinda gasped. "I mean, not in love with his mother… oh, Oz! Why did I correct myself?"

"Good, so he is mine." Galinda smiled, the point obviously lost on her.

"I'm just saying, maybe he doesn't feel the same way about you," Fiyero suggested gently. "There are lots of other guys."

"Now he's in love with guys?" Galinda questioned, eyes widened.

"Well, at the moment… no, no, no, what am I saying?"

"Something about Fiyero?"

"Ah, well, that narrows it down a lot. Either 'He's a brainless idiot' or 'I'm going to go murder him.'"

Galinda didn't seem to grasp the concept of sarcasm. "No, Elphie! You can't murder him! You promised you wouldn't!"

"I did?" Fiyero questioned, surprised. "Cool, so I'm safe… uh, I mean, I'm _saved_ from the burden of having to plot ways to murder him, not that it would be terribly hard."

"Oh, Elphie, can you imagine?" Galinda asked dreamily. "Fiyero and I?"

"Looks like I don't have to," Fiyero sighed. This was going nowhere in the direction he wanted.

"You'll be bridesmaid, of course, won't you?"

"Um, well, I really don't think Fiyero would appreciate it much… besides there's that whole 'one person in two places at once' problem…"

"Good, it's settled!" she declared, obviously not having listened to a thing he had said. She clapped her hands excitedly. "Oh, Elphaba, isn't it wonderful?"

"As wonderful as the Wizard," Fiyero replied grimly. He had meant it sarcastically, though he had practically given up on getting Galinda to understand his sarcasm. Of course, as he later learned, the sarcasm wasn't necessary in this case.

"But you know what would be even wonderfuler?" Galinda asked.

Fiyero sighed. "Wondefuler isn't a word."

She pouted. "Grammar isn't wonderfuler, grammar is _boring_."

"Yeah, I'd have to agree with you on that one," Fiyero concurred with a nod.

Galinda seemed surprised. "You would?"

"I mean, it's nowhere near as interesting as… uh, history and life sciences," Fiyero continued, trying to sound like Elphaba. "Wait, those are my majors, right?"

"How should I know?"

"Good point," Fiyero said. "Just forget I ever said that."

"Right," Galinda said slowly. "Um, are you feeling alright?"

"Well, actually, I did trip over a banister and fall down a whole story in the lib… oh, wait, that was Fiyero, forget it."

"At the rate this conversation is going, I'm going to be forgetting everything," Galinda pouted. "Why can't we talk about something more thrillifying? And wonderfuler."

"Like?" Fiyero asked, fearing he knew the answer.

"Boys!" Galinda squealed, falling deeper into the covers and giggling.

Fiyero sighed. "Didn't we already talk about boys?"

"No, we only talked about Fiyero."

"He's a boy," Fiyero stated. And, under his breath, "Well, usually, generally speaking, more than half the time."

"Good, then we still have tons of boys left," Galinda said happily. "You know what you need, Elphie?"

"Oxygen?" he tried.

"Nope." She slipped closer to him.

"Water? Nourishment?"

"No and no," she giggled, crawling even closer.

"Space?" Fiyero said loudly, dropping a hint.

"Oh, sorry." Galinda backed off a foot or so. "And no."

"Well, if I don't need any of that stuff, they must be right to call me a freak."

"Elphie! Don't say that! And they won't, either. Not when they see you." She smiled before stating proudly, "You need a boyfriend."

"Yep, definitely don't have one of those," he said.

"You will soon! All the boys will be crawling over you- after they check me out, of course."

"Really? Boys would be attracted to me?" Galinda nodded. Fiyero grinned. "Cool." There was a long pause as his grin fell. Either way, that statement was bad news. He didn't know which was worse, boys attracted to him or other boys attracted to Elphaba. "You never heard me say that, okay?"

"I thought we were done with the whole 'I-forget-everything-you-said' phase," she complained. "Besides, attracting boys is a good thing! Well, unless you use magic, but let's not get into that. Boys buy you pretty presents, and they dance with you, and they write cheesy love poems about you. Oooh, and foot massages!"

Fiyero grinned at the last one, a specialty of his. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yes. Boys are good."

"Isn't it 'Life is Good?'"

"That's good too. See, boys are good, life is good, boys are life."

"I think you mean boys are live, as in alive," Fiyero corrected. "That makes more sense."

"Oh, please, my way makes more sense. Boys are life." She giggled. "Boys are to die for!"

"And that is what classifies as a complete contradiction."

"Who do you like, Elphaba?" Galinda questioned, ignoring his last statement.

"Well, I like you," he answered truthfully.

"No, no, no, who do you _like_?"

"You," he repeated, still true.

"No, _like _like! Like, like like!"

"Well, I don't know if I like anyone _that _much," Fiyero said.

"Boy like!"

"Oh. No one," he answered a little too quickly, hoping Galinda wouldn't notice.

She noticed. Her eyes widened, and she squealed. "You like someone!"

"Obviously, or I'd be miserable all the time."

"You _like _someone."

"Define like," he sighed.

"Are in love with. As in, want me to ask out for you and eavesdrop on your first date."

"That would be no one," Fiyero replied.

"Who's he? Is he cute?"

"No."

"Oh. Then why do you like him?"

"No, as in 'no one' is group of people, not a person."

"You're in love with more than one person?" Galinda squealed. "Elphie, that's bad! Love triangles always end in tragedy- trust me on this."

"Yeah, I kinda know," Fiyero said. "I mean, no! I'm not in love with more than one person, I'm not in love at all!"

"Yes, you are! I can tell when you're lying!"

"I'm not lying!" Fiyero lied.

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Who do you like?" she demanded.

"No one!" It was true; he didn't just _like _Elphaba.

"Who?"

"No one!"

"WHO?" She grabbed him by the shoulders and shook vigorously. His head bobbed up and down. Despite his blurred vision, he could make out a hazy face in the window…

"Avaric!"

Galinda gasped, releasing him, shocked. "Who?!"

"No, I didn't mean…" Fiyero began.

"You like Avaric!" she squealed. "_You like him, you like him_…"

"Please don't start singing again, and no, I don't like him!"

"That's perfect too, because he's annoying…"

"Oh, so now you're calling me annoying by default…"

"He's been annoying me. He looks at me like I'm something to eat, and he's always lifting up my skirt from behind me. This'll solve both of our problems!" She squealed once more. "So, when are you going to ask him? Do you want me to ask him to ask you so you can pretend you don't know when he asks you?"

"Galinda, I'm not in love with Avaric!"

"Well, of course, not yet, true love takes time. So you should start now! Tomorrow."

"Galinda…"

"Or I'll give you another makeover!" she threatened. "Which I'll do anyway, by the way."

"So, why would I?"

"Elphaba," Galinda stated suddenly.

"Yes?" Fiyero questioned, glancing around, trying to find what was the cause of her sudden mood change this time.

"Great! Then it's settled, I'll ask tomorrow!" Galinda started doing some sort of happy dance. "Well, I'm just going to take a shower before going to bed. You should brush up on your flirting. Just mimic me." Galinda batted her eyes, then shook her head vigorously, flipping her back hair in the process. "Now, practice."

It seemed easy enough. Blink a lot, lean backwards to the extent it's a wonder you're not falling over, and shake your head as if there's something caught in your hair. But when he tried it, she stopped him immediately, "No, no, no! Be more graceful- you look like some sort of insane beggar caught in a tornado or something."

As she demonstrated once more, he said, "I really don't see the difference."

"Just keep practicing, and you'll feel it!" Grabbing some lacey nightgown, Galinda danced into the bathroom. As the door closed, he heard her sigh, "And, Elphie, you really need to clean up the mess you made!"

Fiyero echoed her sigh. He didn't know what to do- and he was definitely not practicing flirting, though that hadn't been what he meant by do. If they couldn't reverse the spell, things were going to get worse than complicated; if Elphaba was afraid of what he'd do in her body, he didn't want to imagine what she'd have to do in his. There was no way they could go on with this façade for long. Not only was it extremely embarrassing but also just simply impossible. They led too different of lives.

_Besides, how would the kids turn out? _he wondered, stiffening at this thought. Kids? He was going too far assuming that Elphaba wouldn't kill him at first sight tomorrow.

Fiyero sighed. Maybe his motto was right after all: Life was painless when you were brainless. Despite the situation, he'd just have to revert back to his old ways, dancing through life. Just in another meaning, going with the flow, being flexible. Not the literal kind hopefully.

"Elphie?" Galinda's voice came from the bathroom.

Fiyero toppled off the bed. "Yes! I'm practicing, why wouldn't I be practicing? How dare you accuse…"

"Would you get me a towel?"

"Oh. Uh, sure." He paused. "Wait a tick-tock, there's already one in there. I used it to… I mean, I used it too, as in also."

"Exactly! Why would I use one you used? And it's drenched with perfume."

"But then you'd smell good," Fiyero argued, searching wildly for another towel, rooting through Galinda's wardrobe now. His hand caught on something, which he pulled out. "Eeek!" He dropped the lacey item to the ground, avoiding it like the plague.

"But it's the cheep kind, under $50!"

"Since when is that cheep?"

"Just stop arguing and hand me a towel!"

"Uh, right, I'm on it!" Fiyero called back, knocking over a box at the bottom of the wardrobe, causing tube-like items to shower across the floor. "Lurline, why do I have to see this stuff?"

"ELPHIE!" Galinda screeched. "Hurry!"

"I told you, I'm on it… oh," Fiyero realized, glancing down. "Heh, I am on it. Literally. Here you go."

He made to hand it through the door, but instead a bare arm reached out, and he jumped, dropping the towel. "Gah!"

Galinda sighed, and reached out even further, picking up the towel and sticking her head out. Damp blonde curls fell across her face, which she flicked away. "Thank you," she snapped, retreating back into the bathroom, leaving Fiyero standing outside, frozen in place.

"This has got to be reversible," he said, finally taking a step backwards. Somehow, he managed to trip on a wayward tampon and crash to the floor for what seemed like the millionth time that day.

With a frustrated puff, he flicked several of those nameless tubes away from him before deciding the safest route to his bed was to stay on the floor.

A few minutes later, Galinda popped out of the bathroom wearing only a towel around her, another one on her head in the style of a turban. Nonchalantly, she walked to her wardrobe, whistling the tune of the song they had both sung before. Fiyero watched, stunned as she plucked out a few options.

"Which do you think, Elphaba?" she questioned.

"Uh…" was all he could manage.

"Never mind, I'll decide tomorrow when you're not so comatose," she said.

"Y-you're not going to- to…" Fiyero stammered.

"To what?"

"Wear a towel to bed?" he blurted, standing up ready to run. "'Cause, you know, I can really sleep in bathroom." He stepped backwards, avoiding any debris, and laid on the edge of the bathtub. "See? Comfy tub, comfy… ow!" He fell over the edge and into the tub. "That's it, I cannot be that clutzy!" he exclaimed.

"No, not usually," Galinda commented. "And, no, I am _not _wearing a towel to bed, that would mess up my skin complexion!"

"Oh, so you're worried about your skin complexion, not anyone who might accidentally see things they _really_- note the stress on the really- don't want to see?"

"Elphaba, just drop it already, I'm not sleeping in a towel!"

"That's a relief," he sighed, letting himself lie down on the floor of the bathtub. A second later, he jolted up. "Ugh, that's wet!"

"Well, I _did _just take a shower in it, remember?"

"Right, right," he said listlessly, climbing out of the tub.

That's when Galinda noticed. "Um, Elphie?"

"Yeah?"

"There's…" She cleared her throat. "There's blood on the tub."

Fiyero glanced back. "Huh. I didn't think I got blood there, but I wasn't in much position to notice."

Galinda waited.

"What?" Fiyero asked.

"It wasn't there when I took a shower," she prompted.

"Well, then maybe when I hit my head on the bottom of the tub, it started bleeding. I've lost all feeling in that area anyway, so I wouldn't notice." He began to turn, hitting his head on a bar protruding from the tub. "OW! So much for losing feeling."

Galinda sighed impatiently. "Elphaba, isn't it the time of the month?"

"For what?" Fiyero questioned.

"For you-know-what."

"Obviously, I don't, or I wouldn't be asking!"

"The reason women tend to make death threats more than men."

"Mood swings? I don't think mood swings cause bleeding, unless a broken heart counts, which I don't have anyway."

Galinda gestured towards her stomach, moving her hand to make a bulge there.

"Babies?"

"You're on the right track…"

"I'm pregnant!" he exclaimed, jumping up, nearly hitting his head on the ceiling.

"You're pregnant?" Galinda questioned, her eyes becoming big, bright blue orbs.

"I can't be pregnant!" Fiyero continued. "She never… I never… wait, do women bleed when they're pregnant?"

Galinda sighed. "Forget I ever said anything, your mother obviously woefully neglected your education."

"Hey, I'm very smart!" Fiyero declared. "Or, at least, I'm supposed to be. And didn't my mother die in childbirth with Nessa?"

"Oh. That explains it, I suppose." Galinda glanced at the floor. "Then how come you were rooting through these?"

"I was looking for a towel," he began to explain as she flung a tube at him. "Ah!" He ducked, crawling towards and taking cover in the bathtub.

"Okay, now you're just being ridiculous. Just put it on! And stay in there for a while, I'm going to change in our room, the bathroom is too dirty." Grabbing her night clothes, she stalked out, slamming the door.

Suddenly Fiyero understood. Cursing, he climbed out of the tub. Squinting, he reached out towards the device, picking it up with two of his fingers and carrying it precariously towards the toilet.

"Stay in here for a while?" he muttered. "Definitely not a problem."

Of course, he had no idea how to use one of these, and worse was what he did know.

Most importantly, he knew that this was going to be a very long night.

***

Fiyero and Elphaba groaned in unison.

"I'm sure you had lots of fun last night," she growled.

"Fun?" Fiyero groaned again.

"Hey! You shouldn't be the one who's groaning!"

"Sorry. Killer cramp."

"Oh, take it like a man!"

"Isn't that what we're trying to steer away from?" he questioned, grimacing.

"You know what I mean."

Nodding, he winced. "I think I need to sit down."

"You are sitting down."

"Darn. How do you make these things go away?"

"You don't," Elphaba answered. "You've just got to live through it."

"This has got to be punishment for something I didn't do," Fiyero said.

"Men should have to endure more," Elphaba replied. "You always boast about being so tough, yet you'd never survive childbirth."

"Males have a far greater survival rate than females," Fiyero stated. She glared at him. "That was probably one of the stupidest things I've ever said."

"Not really."

"Still, you've got to show a little sympathy," he went on. "I mean, look at me!"

Elphaba glared. "I am looking at you, idiot."

"Just saying. Makeover? Future date with Avaric? Attack of the tubes?"

"A makeover with Galinda is pretty bad," Elphaba admitted.

"With emphasis on the pretty," Fiyero said. He gestured to his dress. "Does this make me look fat?"

Elphaba rolled his eyes. "You don't feel the slightest bit uncomfortable in a dress?"

"Nah, it's comfy. There's this whole… airflow. Plus the skirt makes a funny noise when it swooshes." Standing up, he demonstrated.

"Okay, I really didn't want to know that. Now I am _never _going to be able wear a dress again."

"That might not be far from the truth," he said.

"You'd better hope not," she threatened.

"Come on, where's that little bit sympathy you agreed to?"

"Sure, you had it rough," Elphaba stated, "but I think I got you beat."

"Oh?"

Elphaba rolled her eyes. "You didn't have to see Boq half-naked."

**

* * *

**

If you thought Fiyero had it bad… you were probably right. But you'll only find out if you review!

**Oh, and while thinking about the Hellmouth comment Fiyero makes, I'm considering doing a fic called **_**Glinda the Vampire Slayer **_**where Shiz actually is over the Hellmouth, and it's up to Glinda and her band of Scoobies to save the world… so… any takers (in other words, anyone interested in reading that fic)? I'm putting a poll up to see the general consensus, there's also a brief summary on my profile. Thank you!**


	6. Really?

**Disclaimer: **Do I own Wicked? Have I ever been abducted by aliens? Am I sporting three noses, striped lime green and magenta hair, and a Fiyero-liek bruise? If you answered yes to any of the above, please pay a visit to your personal psychiatrist because the answer is definitely and unchangeably no.

**Notes: **I have not abandoned this story. In fact, I've probably worked on this story more than any other. I've got about ninety pages of it stacked up, just not ready to post yet since it's written out of order. But, the longer I stretch it out, the longer it lasts… okay, that's got to be Fiyero logic or something. Anyway, I'll stop adding to the character count. Let's start out where we left off, the first continuation of Elphaba's story.

"So, cheating on Galinda?" Avaric questioned casually as they departed from the library, sounds of someone's hair being ripped off of their head not nearly far enough behind the two.

"Uh, no?" Elphaba tried before remembering Fiyero's obviously spontaneous and irrational kiss. How could she even attempt to forget something like that? _His mind must be wearing off on me, _she rationalized. _I'm going to kill him._

The thought brought her little satisfaction for some reason. Yep, his mind was definitely invading her own mind and suppressing her inner desire to exterminate him. Sighing, Elphaba continued truthfully, "Yes."

"Which is it?" Avaric asked.

"Both. Neither. None of the above," Elphaba spurted in attempts to sound mindless like Fiyero.

They walked a few more steps before Avaric noted, "You still haven't answered the question."

"I did," Elphaba sniffed. "I just didn't specify which answer was correct."

"Specify?" Avaric laughed at the word choice.

"Uh, I mean, say? No, that's three whole letters long, I can't use that word," Elphaba stated sarcastically.

Avaric sent her a questioning glance as they passed by the pond, rippling peacefully in the slight breeze.

"I don't know," Elphaba sighed. "I was reading peacefully…"

"You can read?" Avaric interrupted incredulously. Elphaba turned to glare at him to find him grinning, clearly having been joking.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" Elphaba demanded, throwing the door to Fiyero's dorm open mindlessly. "Could I have gotten into Shiz if I couldn't?"

"Well, your parents do own the Winkies… I mean, rule, rule the Vinkus."

"Oh, and now you're accusing my parents of slavery? Which is certainly not the case…" Uncertain, Elphaba added, "I'm sure."

"Well, you have accused them of treating you like a lap dog, does that count?" Avaric questioned.

"I was probably simply whining about my perfect life the way I do every other second in life because I'm fairly certain my parents don't possess any sorcery to transform me into any canine species."

Avaric stared at her a second before adding a belated and utterly bewildered, "Huh?"

"Translating that in Fiyero dumb talk, I was complaining," Elphaba interpreted. Hardly waiting for Avaric to regain his composure, she snapped, "What? It's not anything new, I do it every second of every day anyway, right?" When she didn't get a response, Elphaba emphasized, "RIGHT?"

"Uh, ri…"

"In fact, when I'm not otherwise squandering my youth away on other trivial pursuits, complaining is all I ever do. My perfect life is obviously not enough for me-"

"Fiyero," Avaric tried to interject, but it was lost in another torrent of words.

"-and it goes against my genetic structure to consider anybody else's needs, so you can just…"

"Bad day?" Avaric interrupted, glancing at her casually.

Elphaba sighed in frustration. "Try horrendible. Terrificous."

Avaric filled in with a vulgar word of his own.

"Watch your mouth!" Elphaba admonished.

Avaric raised his eyebrows, and Elphaba realized that while Fiyero probably didn't swear much himself, he wouldn't correct his friends'- though, she wasn't sure if Avaric was even considered his friend- dirty mouths, especially such a colorful person as Avaric, and she wasn't talking about verdigris.

"Uh, wash your mouth?" Elphaba tried. Avaric's confusion deepened. "Wash your mouth," she continued, "before you kiss girls because bad breath always drives them away."

Avaric was still staring.

"What?" Elphaba asked, beginning her usual first-encounter monologue. "Do I have something in my teeth?... I mean, I have a one-track mind, I switch subjects a lot." To demonstrate, she added, "So, how was your day? And where are we going?"

"To our dorm room," Avaric answered. "Well, your dorm room, seeing as I have my own private suite. Not that it's often very private…" He grinned scandalously, leaving his statement ambiguous but perfectly clear to Elphaba.

"Honestly, and they call me a dirty rotten scandal," Elphaba mumbled.

"Just hurry up, I know you enjoy being fashionably late, but I don't think you need to flirt for Boq. Though, Crope and Tibbett probably wouldn't mind…" Avaric shot her another grin. She simply grumbled something under her breath, tucking her book under her arm- which she had retrieved from the battleground in the library, hoping to still learn something from it, no matter how beat up it was. Then, Elphaba stalked ahead and turned the corner. Avaric shrugged, lagging behind at a sluggish pace.

A moment later, Elphaba poked her head around the corner. "So, where exactly is my dorm room?" she questioned simply, deciding that Fiyero might just be brainless enough to forget where his own bed was.

"What, spent too much time sleeping in a certain blonde's room?" Avaric asked in the guise of innocence.

"Never! I mean, no, I don't think so," Elphaba stated, praying that she was correct, though, technically speaking, she slept in that room everyday.

"What do you mean, you don't think so?" Avaric asked, not bothering to hurry up his pace. "If I ever visited that room, I think I'd remember it. Besides," he added as he trudged closer, "sleeping in the same room as Elph… uh, the Artichoke," he corrected, Elphaba amazed that he wasn't correcting himself the other way around, "would be interesting, though getting in the room might be a problem." He slouched slightly at this. "Elphaba would never let anyone sleep with her." Jolting up and gesturing erratically and in a Fiyero-reminiscent style, he continued, "Ugh! I mean, her being Galinda, certainly not Elphaba." He had clarified himself a little too quickly for Elphaba's liking. Dropping his voice to a whisper, he added for credibility, "I hear she guards the door to keep any of Galinda's late night visitors out."

"Well, most people lock the door at night," Elphaba sniffed as Avaric led her up a staircase, unsure what to make of Avaric's attitude towards her at the moment.

"I mean literally, she guards the door. Why else would Galinda stay in so much?"

"So, you're saying El… I mean, the Green Freak, holds Galinda, my girlfriend, hostage at night?" Elphaba asked tersely.

As the entered a hallway, Avaric shrugged, oblivious to Elphaba's growing irritation. "Just one of the rumors. They're quite amusing, actually."

"I'm sure they are," Elphaba gritted.

Avaric glanced her way. "Hey, cool it, I'm just messenger boy. I'm sure your girlfriend's in no danger."

Wondering how Fiyero was holding up, Elphaba simply shrugged, suspecting that it wasn't Galinda who was in danger.

"Of course, if I were allowed to get closer to her, I might be able to tell better," Avaric hinted slyly. "Say, take her out to dinner for a night…"

"No," Elphaba answered automatically, disliking of the thought of her friend dating someone with a reputation like Avaric's. Not that Fiyero was any better.

"Damn."

"I'm not stupid."

Avaric raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

"Just mildly brainless, mixed with a little carelessness, and something about surfing, or surface and turf, I really wasn't eavesdropping- I mean, listening… okay, I'm stupid," Elphaba corrected as Avaric gave her a glance. "Just not when it concerns girls…"

"Is that a goose egg on your forehead?" Avaric interrupted.

"Really, especially when it concerns girls," Elphaba modified further, recalling Fiyero's earlier trip over the banister- no pun intended, really. Hilarious, from the other end…

"You know, Elphaba's really not that bad," Avaric hinted slyly, continuing their previous conversation.

"Oh, sweet Lurline, not you too!" Elphaba muttered.

"She might even be kinda hot if she ever took off those drab school dresses…"

"No," Elphaba stated, hoping to sound nonchalant. What was it with guys these days? She was not beautiful, she would never undress in front of any man, and she had no problem killing anyone brave- or stupid, or blind- enough to try.

Almost reading her last few thoughts, Avaric continued, "Actually, I was talking about her in a silky, only semi-transparent mini-dress, but that'd do too."

"Well, dress has never been her strongest suit."

"Come to think about it, if Galinda helped prepare her for a date, she'd be…"

Elphaba attempted to cover her ears at this part, but ended up nearly tripping as she moved her arms from her side. Either his sense of balance was far worse than hers, or she was still getting used to his center of gravity.

"Here'd be a nice time to do a little more of that defying gravity," Elphaba muttered, steadying herself, "rather than bowing down to it."

"…what do you think?"

Elphaba stared at Avaric blankly, uncertain what they were supposed to be talking about now. "What do I think? I don't think at all, remember?"

"No, seriously, what do you think about me and Elphaba?"

Elphaba gawked even more at this than she had in her confusion. Avaric waited.

"Well?" he finally questioned. "Unless gaping is some sort of an answer…"

"It is," Elphaba said. "It means, 'Are you crazy, that's insane, what is your childhood trauma?'"

"Well, how else could I have turned out this way?" Avaric tried to say seriously, but he was unable to restrain his grin. "And yes, it probably is utterly insane…"

"Suicidal," Elphaba embellished.

"One would have to be stark mad to go through with it," Avaric continued, his grin only widening. "I'm starting really to like this plan."

"No," Elphaba sputtered. "You can't… it's not… no," she finished simply, struggling to remain calm.

"What's wrong with it?" Avaric asked.

"It's a bad plan!" Elphaba cried, completely abandoning rich or remotely useful adjectives. "A bad, bad plan!"

"Care to elaborate?" Avaric questioned.

"No," Elphaba answered truthfully.

"Will you elaborate?" he persisted so pleadingly that she felt it only polite to comply to his request, if only in the barest manner.

"You can't go out with her," she stated.

"Why not?" Avaric demanded, irritated but not quite angry. He halted his walk, pressing his fist against the wall. "You hog all of the other girls in the school, leaving all of the other good-looking blokes left with the scraps, which you also hog. You don't even like Elphaba!"

"At this point, I don't know what I feel for her," Elphaba said truthfully, "but that's not why. She values her privacy- there's reason why she's always withdrawn."

"Because no one else will bother paying her any attention," Avaric argued.

"And you would? You've already charmed your way through half of the women here, even the professors…"

"Oh, sure, I've slept with Madame Morrible, that's why she threatens to expel me every other day," Avaric drawled sarcastically. "You see, we have to hide our undying love in attempts to live normal lives, and in fact, I get in detention on purpose to spend more time with her."

"Okay, that was picture that I did not need in my mind. All I'm saying is that you've just come up with this on the spur of the moment. Maybe you should take some time to think about this."

"I've been thinking about this for a while!" Avaric argued. Elphaba raised her eyebrows. "Like, since yesterday. No one really gives her much of a chance. Sometimes you can't tell how good a girl is by her looks."

"Please say that the word 'good' in that last sentence means 'moral' or 'virtuous,'" Elphaba prayed.

"Or, in that case, how wicked a girl is," Avaric continued. Elphaba buried her head in her hands. "Hey! Elphaba could be wicked. Maybe there's a reason no one likes her!"

"Yeah, there is one," Elphaba said. "She's green!"

"So are trees, and everybody likes them alright, right?"

"Well, Elphaba isn't a tree!" Elphaba shouted. "And have you even seen the rate forests are being destroyed? So, obviously, people must not like trees that much if they constantly tearing them down!"

"Well, Elphaba isn't a tree!" Avaric countered.

"I just said that!"

"Why can't I go out with her?" he repeated. "She's lonely, I'm lonely, why not be lonely together? Or even just together?"

"Certainly not in the literal sense."

"I was thinking dinner, maybe a show… hey, I could ask her out for the big dance on Saturday!"

"Great, except for the part where you already have a date!" Elphaba stressed.

"They'll have killed each other by then."

"Elphaba's never going to say yes," she stated certainly.

"Why not?"

"Because… because… do I need a reason?"

"Yes."

"Because there's a really good reason."

"Which is?"

"She's… she's…" Elphaba scrambled around for some rational excuse.

"See, you don't even have a reason."

"I do too, just give me time to think!"

"I thought you said you didn't think," Avaric pointed out. "Besides, you shouldn't have to think."

"I forgot what it was, having a mild case of amnesia," Elphaba justified, and realizing a loop-hole, she went off topic, "so if I forget anything, no matter how obvious, that's why."

"You have amnesia?" Avaric questioned, taking her unintentional bait.

"Recently acquired."

"Like your fancy vocabulary?"

"Uh, maybe."

"Got anything to do with that big bump you're sporting?"

"Um, yes, I fell."

"You fell?"

"I'm very clumsy."

"Yeah, we all had that figured out a while ago."

"Yes, so, amnesia," Elphaba stated.

Avaric frowned. "Wait, isn't that some kind of bacteria?"

"No, that would be amoeba."

"Have come you know that? That's like something only Elphaba would… you never answered my question!"

"Ooops, um, that's my amnesia acting up," Elphaba tried. "Which question? Concerning what?"

Avaric narrowed his eyes. "I think you're lying."

"You're not wrong," Elphaba replied, hoping to confuse him with the double negative.

"Whatever," Avaric said, and at his pause, Elphaba wondered if he suspected anything was wrong. "Just answer the question," he continued in a not-joking tone a moment later.

"The question about Elphaba?"

"No, I was thinking of asking out the amoeba," Avaric stated sarcastically.

"Great idea!" Elphaba cried a little too quickly. "Uh, except for the fact where it's microscopic, doesn't have lips- or maybe even gender- and you were being sarcastic." Then, taking a breath, she continued, "You see, you can't see Elphaba because- well, obviously, you can see her, she's not invisible, just to most people…"

"Fiyero…"

"No, not invisible to me, only when Galinda's around, which is essentially…"

"Fiyero!"

"She's going out with someone else!" Elphaba blurted, probably a very lame and unbelievable excuse.

"What?" Avaric asked incredulously. "You're lying."

"You're right, Avaric, I am lying," Elphaba said, watching him relax. "She's not just going out with someone else, this guy actually has a name. It's…um, Bruce."

At this, Avaric scoffed.

"But everybody calls him Bruce the Brute."

"Really," he stated dubiously.

"Hey, I'm not that one who named him," Elphaba continued, getting into the flow of her fabrication. "That would be his mother. They don't call her 'Mister Mamma' for nothing. She says she simply has big bones, but no one really believes her. She's got to be half-giant, and she passed down the giant part to her son."

"Really?" he asked for clarification.

"Oh, yeah, he's a big bloke- stocky too," Elphaba went on casually. "Doesn't talk much, except with his fists. You should have seen the last fellow to get between him and his girl."

"Really?" Avaric questioned, eyes beginning to widen.

"Actually, you probably don't want to- the poor boy was in a coma for months," Elphaba informed him. "Bruce is a real freak of nature. Obviously, Elphaba can relate to him well."

"Really?" he gnawed anxiously.

"Is that all you can say?" Elphaba demanded.

Avaric opened his mouth, then promptly shut it. "Really. Guess I won't be asking her out."

Elphaba nodded, sighing in relief.

"Until I practice my karate punches, that is," Avaric continued, evidently more fired than ever by this challenge. Elphaba put her head in her hands.

"You're going to get beaten to a bloody pulp, and I'm not going to clean it up," she told him.

***

"Pause the story," Fiyero interrupted. Elphaba turned to glare at him. Fiyero ignored her glare, which Elphaba concluded was because Fiyero could never look scary enough to scare a crow, much less an actual thinking- or, in this case, maybe not so much- person. Crows, with a capital C, were another story, but Elphaba doubted he could do much to scare them either.

"What?" Elphaba demanded.

"This story isn't nearly as painful as mine," he commented. Elphaba made to turn away, but he held his hand up, continuing, "That slipped out! I didn't mean to say that. I didn't think…"

"You have to point that out?" Elphaba asked sarcastically.

"I meant to say, you really said that?"

Confused, Elphaba was left to utter a familiar catch phrase of Fiyero's, "Huh?" Hardly giving him a chance to explain, she went on, "Fiyero, I comment on your brainlessness constantly, and you're just now taking it as an insult?"

"No, no, I mean about the Bruce Almighty…"

"Bruce the Brute."

"Bruce the Brute, the guy with big bones."

"No, that's his mother."

"His mother's a guy?" Fiyero asked incredulously.

"You really don't get that men can't get pregnant, do you?"

"Well, there was that one guy…"

"It wasn't a guy," Elphaba interrupted.

"Oh. Did he switch bodies too?"

Elphaba gave him a glance. "Drop it."

"Um, I can't," Fiyero replied. "You see, it's a concept, I can't grasp it…"

"Obviously."

"Ha, ha, I mean, if it's a concept, how can I drop it when I can't even hold it in the first place?"

"Just, drop it."

"We already went through this," Fiyero protested

"FIYERO!" Elphaba shouted in irritation. Looking up, she saw Fiyero raise his eyebrows, his eyes flashing around the courtyard to the several people who were now staring at them. "Is my name!" Elphaba continued loudly and lamely.

No one moved. "Just thought you might want to know," she said. "Or, at least, if I could think, I would."

The people refused to take a hint. Sighing, Elphaba gritted, "What are you staring at?"

"Is there something in my teeth?" Fiyero tried from his sitting position. She turned to glare at him, and he waved back innocently. Around them, people finally resumed their normal duties, bustling about, chatting, and probably having already forgotten about the outburst.

"So," Fiyero began. "Do you happen to remember what we were talking about?"

"Bruce."

"Right… wait a second…"

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere," Elphaba replied with only a slight roll of eyes.

"This Bruce guy doesn't happen to be real, does he?" Fiyero questioned. "I don't have to beat him up, do I?"

Elphaba sighed. "No, Fiyero, this is called fiction for a reason, you know. And besides, even if he was real, I don't think you'd be hitting each other."

"Well, he might," Fiyero pointed out.

"You think he'd be abusive?" Elphaba questioned, genuinely thoughtful.

"No, not that kind of… never mind. Just so long as he's not real."

"What, afraid of kissing?"

"As a matter of fact," Fiyero began.

"Right," Elphaba interjected, not letting him finish.

"Yeah. Seriously, Avaric's interested in you," Fiyero commented. "Remind me to beat him up."

"I guess I wasn't lying when I said I had a boyfriend who could beat Avaric up," Elphaba sighed.

"Ha!" Fiyero shouted a little too loudly. At the glances, he added, "Just laughing, people." He demonstrated a nervous laugh, and once more they looked away. "You called me your boyfriend," Fiyero continued, gloating.

"Slip of tongue," Elphaba sniffed.

"Really?" Fiyero dared, leaned closer towards her.

"Don't you start that too," Elphaba ordered, pushing him away, "and yes, it must have been because currently, you're neither boy nor friend."

"Can I be your girlfriend, then?" Fiyero teased.

"Can this get more messed up?" Elphaba countered, shutting her eyes.

"Sorry," Fiyero apologized, and in a rare moment of sincerity, he continued, "Thanks for covering for me- about Bruce, I mean."

"No problem," Elphaba sighed, though in all truth, that was probably a lie. "It was just a little lie."

"You really lied… You know, I really love you," Fiyero stated. Whipping his head around to see if anyone was listening, he added hastily, "Like a sister. Uh, brother."

"The feeling's… really not mutual," Elphaba said.

Fiyero's eyes sparkled, but he didn't pursue the subject. "With all that's happened, I'd think you'd want to get back at me or something."

"Don't give me any ideas," Elphaba commented. "Now, can I finish?"

***

Yes, Fiyero thought, she could physically finish, but was she allowed to finish? A second later, he realized how much of a grammar geek he really was turning into and quickly switched tracks in attempts to get off topic.

"Any idea what time it is?" he asked randomly.

"How should I know? You don't wear a watch."

"Obviously, or I wouldn't be ask… oh. Well." Fiyero grabbed for a random person hurrying by, dragging the helpless victim away from the flow of afternoon traffic. "Hey, you!" Fiyero called, whirling the person around, stopping as he saw the familiar face. "Mini-man!" he declared happily.

Elphaba buried her face in her hands either in embarrassment or in a gesture of giving up all hope of fooling anyone.

"Um, yeah, Galinda's been teaching me about nicknames," Fiyero lied quickly, adding a belated, "Biq-dude." Boq's face, utterly confused before, lit up.

"Galinda? Where?" he asked, scanning the crowd for blonde curls.

"You can stalk her later, just tell me what time it is," Fiyero ordered the munchkin with an intimidating glare.

"How should I know?" Boq replied absent-mindedly. "Where did you say Galinda was?"

Fiyero sighed. "Come on, mini-man, I know you're geeky enough to wear a watch, cough it up- would you say cough it up?" he directed at Elphaba, who simply glared.

"Oh, right," Boq stated half-heartedly, lifting his sleeve to reveal a navy blue watch with bright neon suns, all smiling and wearing sunglasses. It was pretty battered, like Boq had owned it for all of his life multiplied by two.

_Oz, I'm thinking in math analogies, I think I'm going to make that internal brain joke yet again_, Fiyero thought.

"It's four o'clock," Boq answered in a bored tone, not bothering to unroll his sleeve, unintentionally displaying his cartoon watch to the world. "Now, tell me where Galinda is!"

"Okay, one, I'm dating her, so I wouldn't act all possessive, especially in my presence," Fiyero threatened casually. Glancing up, he saw Elphaba gesture in alarm.

"You're… dating… Galinda?" Boq choked, staring, shocked.

"Uh, no, actually, I meant the other kind of dates," Fiyero tried lamely, much calmer than Elphaba could ever hope to be. He knew Boq (as much as he sometimes regretted it), and the munchkin was beyond gullible. "You know, the raisin fruit things."

"Dates aren't raisins," Boq corrected with pride, forgetting about the whole dating Galinda slip. "They're dark ovular fruits with sweet exteriors and a single hard but thin seed inside."

Fiyero simply nodded, continuing, "And two, a word of advice: that watch is so fifty years ago, I'd burn it if I were you."

At this, both Boq and Elphaba's eyes lit up in what was probably fear. "What?" Fiyero questioned. "Who's afraid of a little fire?"

Elphaba stiffened further, and she and Boq exchanged a slight glance.

"What?" Fiyero repeated. "Am I missing something?"

After another glance, both Boq and Elphaba answered at the same time, "Yes."

"Well, that's great, you can continue to fill me in," Fiyero stated, swatting Boq away. "Shoo. You can spy on Galinda from another vantage point. This one's mine. Or, well, would be if I ever did stalk Galinda, which would never do because I have my own perfectly private exploits."

"You have a crush on someone?" Boq questioned.

Fiyero shrugged. "I think so."

"Is it me?"

Elphaba covered her mouth with her hand to restrain her laughter whereas Fiyero simply let out several uncontained snickers. "No, Boq, I don't think it's you, no matter how well-matched Galinda might try to tell you we might be if all else fails. Now, move."

Pouting, Boq retreated to another end of the courtyard, scanning the courtyard patiently for some sign of Galinda.

"Okay, so, it's four o'clock," Fiyero answered his own question.

"One minute passed four by now," Elphaba corrected. Her tone changing urgently, she asked, "Fiyero, when do you have to be at your next class?"

"Next class?" Fiyero questioned.

"Yes. You mentioned having another class before."

"I did?"

"When you were threatening me about me beating you up?"

"And how exactly is that a threat to you?"

"We also discussed the usage of the word 'you.'"

"You as in you, the one who is not me, except for during certain extreme circumstances."

"Just answer the question!"

"I asked you!"

"No, you didn't!"

"I did too," Fiyero argued. "How could I answer for you, I can't know what going on in your mind. Well, except for in the literal sense, which really should be the only sense there is."

"I made a neat little schedule for you, which is to say, for me, whereas I've been forced to visit every classroom on the face of Oz- which, come to think of it, may not be round- in attempts to figure out which class I'm supposed to be in, so you shouldn't be complaining!"

"Well, at least you'll have mastered the lateness factor, and how does a schedule even pertain to my question about how you beating me up is a threat to me?"

"We're talking about which class I'm going to, remember?"

"No, that was before we got off-topic."

"Just answer the question, and I'm talking about the schedule question, not that idiotic paradox of yours!"

"It is not idiotic, and it's probably not a paradox, seeing as if we invert the usage of the word 'you' and 'me…'"

"Want to test that theory?" Elphaba threatened.

"Wow, I look scary," Fiyero commented. "I wonder, do you still fight like a girl?"

"Wouldn't make much difference in our case, I'm afraid."

"Hey! I do not fight like a girl!" Standing up, Fiyero pumped his fists back and forth. "Wanna take a go at it, huh?"

Elphaba simply raised her eyebrows, not making any offensive stance.

"I said, huh?"

"What are you confused about now?"

"No, huh is another one of the homo… homo…"

"Homophone?"

"You know, I really don't get that word, the literal meaning leads one to believe that there's some sort of gay communication device, except they don't even have genders, so how could they…"

"I could take you in a second," Elphaba commented, undaunted by even his foolish babble.

"Oh, yeah?" Fiyero asked, forcing a tough expression. A second later, he fell back on the bench, groaning as another cramp surged through his body. "That's not fair!"

"Which class do you have next?"

"Um, I don't."

"How can you not know? You've only been at Shiz for… well, much shorter than most people, granted, but still!"

"No, I mean I don't have a class. I lied."

"Fiyero…" she gritted.

Fiyero shrugged. "Hey, at least now, we've got more time to ourselves."

"And that's a good thing?" Elphaba hissed angrily. "No, don't even answer! Just be quiet, or I'll… I'll…"

"Kill me?" Fiyero filled in.

"If you're asking, I'd be most happy to oblige…"

"Nah, just finish the story," he waved off.

Sighing, Elphaba resumed her tale, probably editing out a few eventless moments that he would find boring anyway.

* * *

**Yes, boring ending, but it was getting long, and this was the first good stopping point. Not really stopping point, since I'll be continuing, hopefully sooner, probably later. Since part of it's written, I could easily be encouraged to find time if you leave a review, or review my other story, my Summer Exchange Fic, "Those You've Known." I worked a month on it, please, please, please review, okay, done with the self-promotion.**


	7. Walking Dictionaries and Thesauruses

**Disclaimer: **I know, over a month has passed, but I still don't own Wicked- it's Fiyero with amnesia, remember? Not you.

**Notes: **Seeing as this flashback episode is going to last forever, this chapter's mainly a bridge to the next one, which, in my opinion at least, is much better. But, still, it's something- I have not and will not abandon this unless under extreme circumstances!

Instead of racking her brain out like she normally did, Elphaba gave Avaric a Fiyero-like shrug, pushing ahead of him.

"Uh, Fiyero?" Avaric's voice came.

Sighing, Elphaba turned. "What now?"

"You still don't know where your dorm room is, do you?"

"Uh…" Elphaba shot him a nervous smile. "Amnesia?"

Avaric stepped aside, gesturing towards a door, and with a quick motion, he pushed it open. "There's no place like home," he smirked. Assuming a thoughtful position, he continued, "Why do I feel like I'm supposed to be tapping my toes together or something?"

Elphaba shoved past him, grumbling wordlessly. Entering the room, she noticed Boq was crouched over his books, scribbling furiously. Peering closer, she saw that the paper was homework. The revelation was oddly comforting.

"What are we doing there, Biq?" Avaric questioned teasingly, emphasizing Galinda's unintentional nickname for the munchkin, who hunched down further in his chair. "That wouldn't be homework, would it?"

"Of course," Boq began, ending with a sheepish, "it is."

"Biq, Biq, what have we taught you about homework?"

"Uh, nothing, really."

"Exactly. Nothing. So why are you doing it?"

"Because the teacher said so?" Boq tried.

"If a teacher told you to jump off the edge of a cliff, would you obey?" Avaric countered.

"How tall is the said cliff?" Boq questioned.

Avaric rolled his eyes. "Just say no, isn't that what they taught you in school?"

"But I thought you said…" Boq protested.

"You don't let other people tell you what to do, got it?" Avaric talked over the munchkin, wise advice in almost every other context. In this case, it was simply funny hearing the words come out of Avaric's mouth.

Boq nodded vigorously, mildly intimidated, though Avaric wasn't being any more of a bully than he always was.

"Good," Avaric said. "Now go get me a-" He coughed loudly. "-beverage from the fridge."

Boq scurried off into the far corner while Elphaba frowned. "You have a fridge? I mean, we have a fridge? Do we even have fridges in Oz?"

"Well, it's more like a bucket full of ice," Avaric admitted as Boq handed him a dripping beverage. Avaric scowled. "I said a beverage, not fruit punch!"

"But fruit punch is a beverage," Boq protested, glancing up to find Avaric glaring down at him. Sinking into himself, Boq returned the fruit punch to the fridge and retrieved a different bottle. One glance at it, and Elphaba rolled her eyes…

***

"What was the beverage?" Fiyero questioned eagerly. Elphaba glared. "Oh, _that_ beverage."

"Yes, that beverage, what did you think?" Elphaba growled at having to explain herself.

"Well, I was thinking more along the lines of a martini…" Fiyero began.

"Do yourself a big favor and shut up," Elphaba interrupted.

"How is that doing me a favor?" Fiyero questioned.

Elphaba sighed. "Our brains obviously did not transfer."

"How long are we going to debate that?"

"As long as it stays amusing…"

"Yeah, and that was chapters ago. I see your sense of humor has not improved with the transfer either."

"Chapters?"

"You know, chapters of our life."

"Is there a reason you used the word 'our?'"

Fiyero sighed, simply gesturing for her to continue, which she did.

***

…Elphaba rolled her eyes, turning instead towards Boq's forsaken homework.

"That one's wrong," Elphaba pointed out idly, placing her finger on the sheet, setting her book down on Boq's desk. "You can't simplify a trinomial that way unless each of the coefficients…" she trailed off as all eyes turned to face her. The pair that belonged to Boq appeared stunned whereas Avaric seemed oddly amused.

"What?" she demanded.

"Am I dreaming, or are you actually displaying an IQ of higher than forty?" Avaric asked, awed.

Pouting, Elphaba gestured towards the open book on the desk, pointing at a random line. "It says so right here."

"Where?" Boq questioned, reaching for the book. Hastily, Elphaba accidentally-on-purpose knocked the book off the desk, and it landed heavily on the floor, the page lost.

"Whoops," she stated dryly. "Guess we'll never know now."

Boq picked the book up and glanced at the cover. "Uh, this is my guide to understanding Latin, full of ancient translations and stuff."

Elphaba shrugged innocently. "Maybe the ancient Latin speakers invented math."

"I'm not sure one can invent math," Boq said. "I believe the proper term would be…"

"Hello?" Avaric interrupted. "Is this school?"

"No, that's not quite it…" Boq continued obliviously.

"Technically speaking," Elphaba answered Avaric's questioned.

"Well, I'm not technically speaking, so can we stop talking about math?" Avaric asked, irritated.

"But math's everywhere!" Boq protested, silenced by the mere thought of glancing in Avaric's direction.

No one spoke for a few moments. Thinking nobody was looking, Boq turned to resume his homework. In the silence, his chair squeaked loudly, making him jump and rip one of the pages in his Latin book.

"And great Oz, Boq, would you put away the homework?!" Avaric shouted.

The munchkin quickly shut his book and pushed it away so quickly, it toppled onto the floor again, where it remained the rest of the night.

"What ever happened to not letting anyone push you around?" Elphaba asked Boq.

"I don't count," Avaric answered for him. "I'm taller than him."

"And I'm taller than you, does that mean I get to boss you around?" Elphaba demanded.

"You're not taller than me," Avaric argued. "Boq, tell Fiyero he's not taller than me."

"Well, he is," Boq admitted.

"Is this what we spend most of our time doing?" Elphaba asked impatiently. "Arguing about who's taller than who?"

"Nah, usually we argue about which girl is the hottest, but we kind of already covered that in the hallway," Avaric smirked.

Elphaba sighed. "Tell him he's delusional."

"Tell him he's crazy," Avaric countered.

"That's the same thing as delusional."

"Oh. I thought you said delustrial."

"That's not even a word!"

"Is too! You call a person who has been unblinded by lust delustrial."

"Unblinded isn't a word either," Elphaba pointed out haughtily.

"Guys! Can we stop playing walking dictionary?" Boq cried, ducking under the pair, who were now facing off in a glaring contest.

"We're not," Avaric argued. "He's being a walking thesaurus."

Boq glanced at both of them, rather confused. "What's going on with you two anyway? Not to say that you were, um, less intelligent before-"

"You can call me stupid. I don't mind, because I don't have one," Elphaba interjected.

"-but both of you seem to have actually grown a vocabulary," Boq observed.

"Oh, don't worry, it's amnesia," Avaric stated.

Boq was skeptical. "You have a vocabulary because of amnesia?"

"Yep," Avaric nodded in conviction.

"You do know that amnesia is a medical condition, right?" Boq asked.

Elphaba glanced at Boq, wondering how much the munchkin actually knew behind his guise of meekness. She'd have to be more careful around him than Avaric. While Avaric, when sober, was actually somewhat observant, Elphaba knew he possessed as little of a brain as Fiyero. Boq, on the other hand, while oblivious, was actually quiet well-versed and could probably come to conclusions if he had the information he needed.

"Don't go all Smarty Pants on us again," Elphaba declared, attempting to change the subject. "I had enough of lectures in school. Huh, I'm wiped, I'd better go to bed…"

"But didn't you sleep through the lectures?" Boq questioned. "I, uh, heard you snoring through History."

"Yeah, well, did you know, an average human male- that would be me, despite the fact I'm quite below average- needs seven to eight hours of sleep each day?" Elphaba tried. "And that's not even counting nighttime."

"Actually, I think it's consecutive," Boq corrected softly.

"Really? See, I must be tired if I messed that up."

"No, you must be Fiyero," Avaric disagreed.

"Of course I'm Fiyero!" Elphaba panicked. "Why wouldn't I… oh, you weren't accusing me of anything. Um…"

"Amnesia?" Avaric filled in with a smirk.

"No, actually, exhaustion makes me paranoid," Elphaba stated, feigning a yawn and turning towards the two beds. She froze there, realizing she had no idea which one was hers. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Avaric studying her. Thinking quickly, she guessed that the less tidy one- in other words, the bed with the covers strewn across the room and pillows at the foot of the bed- belonged to Fiyero. Confidently, she headed towards that one, sitting down neatly at the edge and removing her shoes.

"Oz, his feet stink," she coughed, starting to place the shoes neatly at the edge of her bed before pausing. Where to put the shoes? On second thought, it didn't really matter; Fiyero probably wasn't the neat sort…

***

"I certainly hope you're referring to neat as in tidiness, and not neat as in cool," Fiyero interrupted. "Because I am the king of cool."

"No, that would be me," Elphaba replied.

Fiyero glared. "You know what I mean."

"No, actually, I was referring to cool as in icy or detached," Elphaba informed him.

Fiyero groaned. "You'd better not have engaged in vocabulary contests all night, or there's no way we're going to fool anyone."

"Well, perhaps you'd know if you were quiet," Elphaba snapped.

"And my feet don't stink!"

***

Thus, she threw Fiyero's shoes across the room, not watching where they landed.

"Ow!" came a call from the other side of the room. Everyone glanced up to find Tibbett entering the room from an adjoining door, pulling Crope with him, who was giggling girlishly. "Does this mean we're not welcome? Because if I have to drink this whole case alone…"

"No, no, come in," Avaric said quickly. "Boq, take their coats."

"Um, they aren't wearing coats, their dorm room is right next to ours," Boq informed him meekly.

"Boq, where are your manners?" Avaric scolded, grabbing a jug from the case and popping the top off…

***

"And, before you interrupt yet again, it's the same beverage," Elphaba glared at Fiyero, who's mouth was open halfway, as if he was about to say something.

"I wasn't going to interrupt," Fiyero protested, gesturing towards himself. "See? No interruption."

"Well, actually, the definition of interruption is…" Elphaba began.

"Dictionary!" Fiyero shouted at the top of his lungs, silencing the courtyard for a moment, including Elphaba. "Never mind," he continued. "I don't need one; I am one! And I _really _sincerely hope I wasn't one all last night," he breathed as the conversations resumed.

Elphaba sighed. "Oh, don't worry, we've still got a long way to go…"

**

* * *

**

So true. Any thoughts?... Come on, as I mentioned before, I know you're not Fiyero… and if you are, feel free to leave your number, I'm open this Saturday…


	8. Secrets in the Public Domain

**Disclaimer: **dekciW….enim ton. yrroS. won thgir smelborp suoires emos tog ev'uoy ,siht dear nac uoy fi dnA. (Not Grimarye speech.)

**Notes:** It's good to see me, isn't it?... Galindaisms really don't suit me. Sorry to have fallen off the face of the Wicked fandom, but hopefully I'll be getting back more frequently now that things have cooled down. The next chapter probably won't be out until Christmas, but it's for a reason that you all can probably guess but that I'll pretend is a secret anyway (much like everyone in this chapter). Anyway, this is one of my pride-and-joy chapters, so I'd really appreciate reviews- not that I don't appreciate them any time! Thanks!

"You do not do homework while guests are over," Avaric continued, wagging his finger in Boq's general direction. "Don't think I can't see that calculus sheet under the table!"

"Darn," Boq sighed with a snap.

"And use some of that rich vocabulary you were commenting on earlier, 'darn' just doesn't cut it."

"Um, shoot?" Boq tried.

"No, no, like this," Avaric instructed as he cleared his throat, preparing to demonstrate. Elphaba covered her ears at this point, unable to block his roaring voice, but the word was somewhat clouded at least. Burying herself in Fiyero's covers, she forced herself to concentrate on the situation at hand- which happened to be distracting herself from the situation at hand, actually. Sighing, she glanced up towards Boq's desk, and by default, to the beat-up magic volume she had brought from the library.

It wasn't exactly distracting herself from the problem, seeing as the book was part of the problem, but at least it would be distracting.

Of course, she'd have to get up and risk being seen by the readily chattering Avaric in order to retrieve the book. A risk she was bored enough to take.

Sluggishly, she rose and casually made her way across the floor. As she reached out to grab the book, a hand grasped her, whirling her around.

"Come on, Fiyero, join in on the party!" Avaric shouted in her face.

"We're having a party?" Elphaba questioned anxiously, squirming away to avoid any possible contact.

"A party?" Boq squeaked from behind Avaric, evidently as out of it as Elphaba had been.

"Duh," Avaric sounded plainly. "Come on!"

He grabbed hold of the munchkin and pulled both Elphaba and Boq to the center of the room, where Crope and Tibbett were already seated in what was the beginning of a circle. The three completed it, sitting cross-legged. Elphaba glanced at Avaric, puzzled.

"Douse the candles," Avaric ordered, and Crope obeyed, blowing out each candle in one uninterrupted puff except for the one in the center of the circle, which blazed in the darkness, outlining each member's face, displaying only the barest of features while providing depths unseen before; darkness was an artist in itself.

"What is this, some cult?" Elphaba questioned unnervingly, breaking the silence.

"In a way," Avaric answered, taking another chug out of his bottle, and passing it right, to Elphaba, who stared at it. "Well, take a drink!" he ordered, slapping her on the back.

Elphaba stared at the liquid, horrified. "I- I don't drink," she choked, thrusting it back at Avaric.

He simply chuckled, handing it to her once more. "Nice one, Fiyero!"

"No, really… I'm allergic to liquid," Elphaba tried but was interrupted by, of all people, Boq.

"Um, I believe you always pass left first," the munchkin squeaked. Grinning, Avaric took back the alcohol and handed it to Boq, whose eyes widened as he realized what he had just said.

"Well, looks like you get to start out then," Avaric announced happily.

Wincing, Boq began to protest, but one glance at Avaric, and he succumbed to the pressure, coughing down a small sip. Still hacking, he passed the bottle to Tibbett without looking. With a toothy grin, Tibbett chugged down much more than a sip before Crope wrestled it out of Tibbett's hands. Crope copied Tibbett's actions, half-emptying the bottle. Elphaba waited anxiously, silently wishing that he'd completely drain the bottle.

When Crope finally offered it to her, she shied away but was pushed forward by Avaric, eager to speed up the passing process. Reluctantly, she took it and with a sigh, she tilted it towards her mouth, pretending to take a sip. She might have succeeded in her deception had Avaric nodded nudged her as she was lowering the glass, and a splash of the foul liquid splattered out, most of it spraying into her mouth. Elphaba choked at the fiery taste, spitting and trying to dispel as much of the alcohol as she could from her mouth. Frowning slightly, Avaric seized the bottle from her, taking a gratifying chug before setting the bottle down reluctantly.

"Alright, men," Avaric proclaimed in a deep and mysterious tone to match the setting of the sinister and murky room. "Time for confession."

"That certainly didn't taste like church wine," Elphaba stated, frustrated at her accidental exposure to the alcohol. She didn't drink; she had vowed never to, seeing what it did to a man firsthand from her experiences with Frex. Even at the thought of the name, she shivered, feeling a draft pass through her like a breeze of ice.

Ignoring Elphaba's comment, Avaric continued, "We are pure vessels of awe-striking gorgeousness on the outside- which is a fancy way of saying we're all extremely handsome."

"What is with the walking Thesaurus act today?" Boq mumbled under his breath.

Avaric gave him an aggravated glance, modifying his former statement to, "Well, most of us are. But inside, we all share the same inner beast of manliness, dark and deceptive."

Elphaba suppressed the urge to laugh- or at least, she thought she had until Avaric directed his stern gaze at her. For some reason, Elphaba's heart began to pound. She felt exposed, more than ever, as if someone had torn aside her exterior and was examining her soul with a giant magnifying glass closely, puzzling at every movement, every thought, discovering every inner desire, every fear. She dreaded what they might find; Frex had always told her that her soul was an unclean essence, tainted with the blood of her mother and sister- somehow, she was responsible for her mother's death during Nessa's birth and Nessa's crippled state. Elphaba had never even thought about questioning these facts as he presented them to her, but inside, she doubted she possessed a soul at all. Such a dirty being never could. Nature had marked her as impure from her birth, and she wasn't one to doubt it.

But she wondered if Frex possessed one either. Although he looked like anyone else from the outside, his eyes were cold, almost dead, her only portal to his inner beast, as Avaric had called it. Nothing good could flourish in such a man with such cruel actions.

"Each of us has our darkest, our deepest and most cherished secrets that we have sworn to tell no one," Avaric proclaimed, turning away. "As brothers, we must break that vow for a stronger promise, one that precedes us all: the sacred bond of manhood."

Manhood… and here she thought those days of people accusing her of being male were over.

In the moments following, no one breathed, at least, not until Boq, oblivious to the ritual moment of silence, whispered, "Nice speech."

Avaric rolled his eyes slightly but was too pleased with the praise not to grab the chance to gloat. "Like it? I spent months perfecting it."

"Um, not to break the mystery or anything, but have we ever done this before?" Elphaba asked, fearing she knew where this was going.

"Individually, probably. But not together, like this."

"And this is?"

"Easy. Each person takes a sip out of the sacred chalice-" Avaric tapped the bottle happily. "-and then shares their darkest, most deep…"

"Deepest," Boq corrected.

"Bah, it sounds better that way… darkest, deepest, and…

"I think we covered that part already," Elphaba interrupted impatiently.

"Yeah, well, basically, we tell each other our secrets. No lying, no with-holding. After all, we're all men here."

"I knew that was going to come up sooner of later," Elphaba muttered.

"What's to fear?"

"Wrong question," Elphaba whispered. "What's not to fear?"

"Oh, and we're all sworn to secrecy, got it?"

"Just like that?" Boq asked.

"Well, we could all repeat the most revere oath, created by courtesy of myself…"

"No, no, that's fine," Tibbett said quickly as Crope bobbed his head up and down vigorously. Boq nodded as well.

Elphaba simply stared ahead. "Well, maybe I want to take the oath," she said in attempts to stall.

"Trust me, you don't," Avaric told her. "It takes an hour with all of the insurances and stuff, and that's not counting the instating into the hallowed order."

"That's kind of the point," Elphaba said.

Avaric sighed. "Fine, hold up your hand and copy me."

Uncertain, Elphaba raised her hand a few inches.

"Higher. That's more like it. No repeat after me. 'I solemnly swear…'"

"I solemnly swear," she repeated, and after a moment of thought, she added, "Not in the literal sense."

"No modifications," Avaric scolded.

"No modifications," Elphaba replicated, puzzled.

"No, you don't need to repeat that!"

"No, you don't need to re…"

"Not that either!"

"Not that e…"

"Just shut up!"

"Just shut up!" Elphaba repeated, at this point gleefully misinterpreting him.

"Aw, screw this."

"No way am I repeating that," Elphaba stated seriously.

"Ha!" Avaric declared in triumph. "And don't repeat that!" He waited a moment, possibly making sure she understood. At her silence, he continued. "Good. Now repeat this: I sol…"

"Hey, should we do this too?" Tibbett interrupted.

"I sol should we do this too," Elphaba smirked. Evidently, more than a bit of Fiyero's playfulness had worn off on her, or perhaps it had been there all along, ignored for fear of humiliation.

Avaric buried his head in his hands. "Okay, let's do this the easy way." Glancing up, he pointed at Elphaba. "Do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Do you promise?"

"I do," she answered solemnly. The words left her mouth without her having thought them over, another habit Fiyero must have rubbed off on her. "And I am so not marrying you, no matter if you find me attractive or not!" she cried loudly to the great amusement of the others. Tibbett fell to the floor laughing, a significant accomplishment seeing as he was already sitting. Even Boq smiled, his cheeks turning scarlet.

"Well, I'd marry you," Crope stated with a shrug.

Avaric hardly reacted, studying her carefully for a moment before cocking his head back and roaring with laughter. "You are one funny guy, Fiyero."

"Yeah, that's me," Elphaba muttered. "Mister Fun Guy."

Boq burst out laughing, halting only as he noticed everyone staring at him. "He said fun guy, but it sounded like fungi…" He let out a few more nervous giggles before breaking off, realizing how lame it was, or perhaps cuing into the fact that no one else was laughing.

"Okay, this has got to be the longest oath I've ever supervised," Avaric declared, irritated.

"I thought you said it took an hour," Tibbett commented.

"I lied. Nothing new." Turning to Elphaba, Avaric asked, "You do promise, right?"

"Under protest," she muttered.

"What was that?"

"Yes, sure, affirmative, okay, alright, agreed, why not?" Elphaba spurted, a hint of sarcasm in her tone.

"Again with the Thesaurus thing," Boq commented.

Avaric whacked him on the side of the head with the bottle. Taking a long slurp, Avaric discarded the bottle, which crashed against the wall of the dorm room, and retrieved a full one, announcing, "Alright, I'll start." He cleared his throat dramatically.

"Please, not another speech," Tibbett prayed.

Ignoring the comment, Avaric continued, "My secret is a dark one, a tragedy involving forbidden love, heroic suitors- minus the plural, actually, because only one of them is heroic…"

"More like heretic," Elphaba mumbled.

"And, of course, tragedy. Which I think I already mentioned."

"You did," the chorus of men informed him.

"A true story, except for the part where it hasn't occurred yet except for in my fantasies."

"Where does the secret part come in?" Crope yawned.

"Right now," Avaric said, and with a dramatically deep breath, he whispered, "I, Avaric, have a crush on- drum roll, please…"

"Who's she?" Boq piped obliviously.

"Boq…" Avaric warned.

"You have a crush on Boq?!" Crope and Tibbett shrieked. Tibbett reached for another bottle from the case behind him and raised it in the air. "Welcome to the club!"

"I'm not in love with Boq," Avaric stated, irritated.

"You had a crush on me?" Boq squeaked towards Tibbett and Crope, mortified.

"Not so much past tense," Crope admitted reluctantly, glancing at Boq's abs.

Uncomfortable, Boq shrank back, grabbing the sheets off of his bed and sprawling them over himself messily. Elphaba shook her head. For someone so intelligent, Boq sure was fragile. To be honest, he was handsome enough, excepting his awkward nature and anxious habits.

"May I continue yet, or are we going to keep flirting with each other?" Avaric interrupted loudly.

"Well, I don't mind the second option much," Tibbett said with a grin, teasing Boq by leaning closer towards the munchkin, who slid backwards, out of the circle.

Rolling his eyes, Avaric continued, "I have a crush on…" he paused dramatically.

"Hey, where's the bathroom?" Boq interrupted anxiously, backed against the bed.

Avaric groaned. "How long have you been living here, Boq? And besides, there are only two rooms in this whole dorm room, one of them small enough to be a closet, so can't you use those brains of yours to figure out… oh, for Ozma's sake, it's right there!"

Boq waited patiently for Avaric to finish ranting and point to a door to his left.

"Thank you," Boq said, stepping through the door and shutting it quietly. Everyone waited, Avaric grumbling something under his breath. A second later, the door reopened, and Boq slid out.

"The door doesn't lock," he answered a bit too guiltily at everyone's questioning glances.

"Do you mind if we do your hair?" Crope asked the munchkin, removing a brush from his obnoxiously girly handbag.

"O-kay, I think I'm going to jump in the Suicide Canal, if you don't mind," Elphaba stated loudly.

"We mind," Avaric grunted, grabbing her as she made to escape.

"Yeah, your hair is pretty too!" Crope announced.

"I give up," Avaric said as Tibbett grabbed hold of a struggling Boq, pulling him closer. "I have a crush on Elphaba, I'm not joking, and none of you are listening anyway."

Everyone stopped what they were doing abruptly, staring at Avaric, utterly shocked.

"You have a crush on Elphaba?!" Tibbett screeched.

"You're joking!" Crope declared.

"I wasn't listening," Boq informed them as he slapped Tibbett's hand away from him.

"Anyway," Elphaba sounded, yawning while attempting to squirm away from the circle.

"Well, I'll be it, you were all listening," Avaric stated, dragging Elphaba back into her place. Taking a large gulp from the bottle, he stated casually, "Okay, who's up next?" and shoved the bottle at Boq, who snatched it, corking it and pointing the thin end at Tibbett.

"Back off, or I'll shoot," Boq warned.

"Oooh, like they do at weddings with ships?" Tibbett questioned eagerly.

Boq sank his head into his lap.

After a moment, Avaric cleared his throat. "Okay, Biq, time to share your secret, unless it's that you're actually a top rate hunter who works undercover with the Gale Force. Somehow, I don't think you'd pass the height clearance."

Gloomily, Boq lifted his head. Sighing, he uncorked the bottle and raised it. "I've never told anyone this before, but…"

"That's the definition of a secret, Boq," Avaric interrupted. "You know all about essay hooks. Use a better opening next time."

"I have a crush on Galinda," the munchkin stated glumly, tilting the bottle and swallowing a large gulp, coughing madly afterwards.

"Yeah, we know, get to the secret part already," Avaric said impatiently.

Looking up from the bottle, Boq gave Avaric a glance.

"Oh, that was supposed to be the secret," Avaric realized, disappointed.

"Next," Boq hiccupped, handing the bottle to Tibbett, who patted the munchkin on the head.

"Our secret is a group secret, actually," Tibbett informed everyone, putting his arm around Crope, who giggled.

"Great. Spill."

"What and waste good wine- this is wine right?" Tibbett questioned, confused. Avaric gave him a glance, which Tibbett misinterpreted. "Well, okay…" he shrugged, tilting the bottle. A puddle of liquid pooled on the floor as Avaric's arm whipped out, knocking the glass out of Tibbett's hand and into Elphaba's lap. It landed right side up, her hands around the sides, a clean catch. Avaric sighed in relief.

Glancing down, then back up at Avaric, then back at the bottle, Elphaba lifted the bottle up and belatedly dropped it accidentally-on-purpose. The glass shattered on the ground, and the wine or whatever vile liquid it contained formed a puddle on the floor, a puddle that seemed to Elphaba depressingly small.

"Whoops," she stated meekly as Avaric groaned. Grinning innocently, she tried, "Hey, I'm clumsy, remember?"

"It's okay, we have ten more bottles," Tibbett said. As he grabbed another from the case, Crope grinned. "Don't you all want to hear our secret?"

"Not really," Elphaba and Boq answered truthfully, wincing at Crope's wicked grin.

"Sure," Avaric shrugged, his voice overpowering the others.

Grinning, Tibbett announced, "We've been thinking lately about our relationship…"

"And we've decided that 'roommates' just doesn't cut it…" Crope continued.

"So, we've decided to upgrade," Tibbett informed them.

"From roommates," Crope reminded them, joining Tibbett in a standing position, their arms around each other. Together, they shouted proudly, "TO ACQUAINTANCES!"

"That's wonderf… oh," Elphaba realized, breaking off her enthusiasm.

Avaric simply stared. "Okay, so, what's the secret? Are you running away to get married in some far off land, escaping until society is ready to accept your differences?"

"That ending sounds kind of familiar…" Elphaba mused.

"Acquaintances aren't accepted here?" Tibbett questioned.

"Man, this society is harsh!" Crope commented loudly.

"No, seriously," Avaric said sincerely, "what's the rest?"

"The rest of what?" Tibbett asked.

"The secret. Most everyone thinks you two are married already, calling yourselves acquaintances is not only a serious understatement, but also one of the worst kept secrets ever."

"Us being in love is our best kept secret," Crope declared proudly. "No one knows about it- not even you guys!"

"See? I told you my secret was good," Boq piped in.

"Acquaintances can kiss," Tibbett defended. "They do it all the time in France."

"They're European, what's your excuse?"

"Well, maybe we're European," Crope defended, grabbing the bottle from Tibbett and taking several long gulps. Tibbett nodded vigorously, receiving the bottle and matching Crope's actions, adding a few extra glugs of his own.

"This has thus far been a rather pathetic and uninspiring event," Elphaba commented, bored, as Crope retrieved the bottle, chugging down even more. In attempts to best him, Tibbett drained the bottle, throwing it aside with a satisfied sigh.

"All about to change, I assure you," Avaric said, his eyes sparkling in the firelight, "because you're up."

"I- I can't," Elphaba stammered, suddenly feeling quite similar to Boq, pressured and exposed. "The bottle's empty, see? We're all out." She gestured towards the empty bottle but instead found herself pointing to a new bottle, full of alcohol, that Tibbett was holding in front of her. "Except for the part where we're not," Elphaba mumbled, not making any move towards the bottle.

"Come on, Fiyero, don't take all day!" came Avaric's voice, fuzzy, as if from a distant land and not mere feet away from her.

"It's not day," Elphaba tried as Tibbett dropped the bottle in her lap, tired of extending his arm out. "No, really, I don't have any secrets. I can't keep them- I talk too much, you see, just like I'm doing now…"

"Anxiety preceding the event," Avaric commentated. "This is going to be good."

"This is _so _not good," Elphaba muttered. She had figured they'd all pass out before her turn. Of course, being used to consuming alcohol must have its merits in this circumstance.

She'd just have to lie. What would be a secret Fiyero would keep? One that wouldn't endanger her or him preferably, or anyone else.

"Well?" Avaric prompted.

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking," Elphaba shot back.

"He's actually thinking. Yep, this is definitely going to be good."

"I, uh, I," Elphaba stammered, her mind whirling. "I, I…"

"Could you say the world 'I' anymore?"

Unable to resist, Elphaba snapped, "I, I, I, I, I!"

"You what?"

"I…"

"Enough with the I's!" Avaric shouted.

"Failed my last history test!" Elphaba spurted, an absolutely horrifying thought. When she dared open her eyes, everyone was staring at her, waiting. "True story," she stated to fill in the silence.

"Yeah, so true that it's public domain," Avaric stated, grabbing a thick packet from a large pile beside Fiyero's bed. "See? 'F minus.'"

"Oh, really, I thought the 'F' stood for Fiyero." Her tone was bitterly sarcastic.

"Okay, so now that we've seen past the lack of deception, what's your real secret?"

"What, that doesn't count?"

"It's neither dark nor deep."

"And yours were?"

"Not really, but at least we had misconceived conceptions that ours were secrets. Yours was just… lame."

"I don't think my history test can walk, much less have a limp," Elphaba pointed out.

"Just like that. Try again."

He, of course, was referring to her secret, so purposely, she misinterpreted him. "Um, paper is an inanimate material and therefore cannot possess a limp…"

"Okay, now that's just sad," Avaric moaned.

"Being crippled for life is," Elphaba replied. "Look at Nessa. Speaking of which-" Elphaba turned to Boq. "-I hope that your imaginary girlfriend is not distracting you from the more pressing matters of caring for your current girlfriend."

Boq stared at her blankly. "Who?"

Elphaba chucked the bottle at him. It rebounded off his head and into his lap but sadly did not shatter.

"You, Fiyero, tell us, friends, secret, no one else knows," Avaric said slowly, emphasizing the important words.

"Okay, okay," Elphaba agreed reluctantly, snatching the bottle back from Boq. "But it's very embarrassing. You see, yesterday, I… well, it wasn't actually yesterday, it was today…" In an undertone, she murmured, "What happened today, what happened today? I've got it!" She grinned in a Fiyero-like manner. "You see this enormous and excruciatingly painful bump on my forehead?"

"Well, no," Tibbett admitted, "it's dark in here."

"Avaric, you noticed it earlier today."

"Yeah, it was kind of hard not to."

"Well, today, believe it or not, I was in the library," Elphaba began.

"Oooh," Tibbett declared. "Good secret."

"That's not the secret," Elphaba stated dryly. "But it should be. You see, I was on the second floor banister, pretending to study, and there was a group of girls below…"

"Pfannee and Shenshen?" Avaric guessed.

"No, they came to terrorize me later. I don't know who the girls were, they were just, you know, girls."

"Most girls are," Avaric pointed out.

"Oh, there are exceptions," Elphaba replied, not bothering to elaborate. "But this wasn't one of them…" Under her breath, she added, "yet." Taking another breath, she continued, "Anyway, I was kind of, say, distracted and accidentally leaned over the railing a little too far while trying to figure out if this one girl was actually blonde or if she just dyed her hair that way. And then, plop. I was on the ground, a circle of girls are staring at me- I think one of them ripped out a bit of my hair. Does it look like I'm going bald on my right side?" She tilted her head towards Avaric, who was chuckling. Obviously, she had done a satisfactory job, and without much lying too.

"Slick, Fiyero," Avaric sniggered.

"Do you think they'll sell the hair on eBay?" Crope asked eagerly.

Elphaba rolled her eyes as she attempted to hand the bottle to Avaric, who held up his hand to stop her. "Come on, Fiyero, you even had the benefit of going last, you've got to drink from the bottle."

"But it's unsanitary," Elphaba complained.

"Your bottle's never even been used!"

"Yeah, well, it's… well, it's…"

"Meant to be drunk out of."

"Right, well, great," Elphaba mumbled, titling the bottle slightly, the cork still firmly attached.

"Um, Fiyero, the bottle's not open," Boq, of all people, pointed out. Elphaba turned to glare venomously at him, and he shrank back, looking unsure as to what he had done wrong.

"Right," Elphaba growled, plucking the cork out and chucking it at the munchkin. Dramatically, she raised the bottle, and placing it right in front of her mouth, she licked the top unenthusiastically.

Avaric sighed, grabbing the bottle away. "Okay, Fiyero, is it just me, or have you devolved over time?"

"Oh, it's most certainly not you," Elphaba answered truthfully.

After chugging the entire bottle to the cheers of Tibbett and Crope, Avaric set the bottle down with a sigh. "Okay, maybe we should try something simpler."

"Sleeping!" Elphaba suggested eagerly.

Everyone chuckled obnoxiously, Avaric especially. Even Boq let out a nervous giggle.

"Who's to say I was joking?" Elphaba pouted.

"No, seriously," Avaric said. "Something simpler that's actually possible."

"And that would be?" Elphaba was afraid to know; simple defined by immature and unruly men was complicated.

"Truth or dare!" Avaric declared, and without waiting to see how his suggestion was received, he stated, "I'll start. Tibbett, ask me."

"Ask you what?" he questioned, confused before his eyes widened in sudden comprehension. "Oh. Right. Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Avaric answered, his eyes blazing with confidence.

"Okay, let's see…" Tibbett mused. His eyes lit up a second later. "I've got it. You've got a crush on the Green Bean?"

"She just goes by Elphaba now," Avaric replied.

"Right. Well, I _dare_ you to ask her out."

"I already am, remember?"

"Well, then, I dare you to go peek inside her dorm room and come back with a complete report on what she's doing."

"Now, that's more like it!" Avaric declared, leaping up, as giddy as a kid in a candy shop. "Don't hold your breath, I might take awhile!"

As he scurried out the door, Elphaba groaned, muttering to herself, "Please don't let me be naked."

"What are we supposed to do while we wait?" Tibbett questioned.

"Well, I can think of some pretty good ideas," Crope answered with a wide grin, giggling as Tibbett grabbed hold of him.

"Now you're talking," Tibbett declared, referring to the nonverbal sense in this case.

"I vote for vomiting," Elphaba proclaimed, turning away hastily.

"Does anyone know the quadratic root of the third consecutive perfect prime to the ninth power off the top of their head?" Boq posed to the group, picking his beloved math sheet off the desk.

"Sure, I use it everyday," Elphaba muttered sarcastically. "It's right there on the tip of my tongue."

"No, I was asking if you knew it off the top of your head, not on the tip of your tongue… wait, did you say you use it everyday?"

"Boq, how did you ever learn human speech? Or, munchkin speech, as the case may be?"

**

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Truth or dare?... Dare!... Okay, I dare you to review!...

_**LAME!**_**… but if it works, it works. Happy Thanksgiving/Black Friday everyone, even if you don't celebrate it!**


	9. How to Get Expelled

**Disclaimer: **I'm running out of anything remotely clever to say.

**Notes: **Okayyyy… I cannot blame my negligence on my reviewers- you guys are all awesome, please keep it up, it inspires me. So I'm going to blame it on school, sports, and other works, since none of them can yell back at me. I'm also blaming it on the fact that the other chapters I wrote for this were utter awfulness on a page (only, like 50 pages). But I finally put everything together (AKA cut everything and wrote something completely new) and came up with this, which hopefully merits reviews despite my complete disregard for the Wicked fandom.

Elphaba Thropp could name a number of things she hated. People, for one. Alcoholic beverages. Makeovers. Rule-breaking. And stupid Winkie princes. Only the last could combine all of her various pet peeves and set them in loose within the same couple of hours.

Maybe if she killed Fiyero, the spell would be broken. Plus, she'd be dead- that was beginning to look like a merit.

On the bright side, she was in the library. On the down side, it had to be close to midnight, past curfew, and near impossible to see.

"Fiyero is _so _stupid," she moaned, grappling the shelves in the darkness. There was no other explanation for her behavior. What in the name of Lurline's holy corset had made her think it was even a remotely good idea to volunteer to steal from… well, herself?

_To stop Avaric from daring her to do something worse._

Stealing something. Her Life Science term paper from last semester. That would have to do because there was no way in Oz she was showing them her panties.

But at least she was almost done, the boys' dorm in sight. All was well. That is, until a scantily dressed Madame Morrible fell from a tree on top of her. She screamed. They both screamed. They ran for cover- behind the same tree.

_Could this day get any more bizarre?_

They stared at each other for a moment.

"Sleepwalking!" Elphaba blurted.

"Bird watching!" Madame Morrible shrieked simultaneously.

Awkward silence. Elphaba spotted a pair of binoculars around Morrible's neck. Glancing up, she found practically an entire planetarium stocked in that tree- only, aimed at a certain Winkie prince's dorm room.

She stared at her headmistress- the one who had inspired her to start magic, the one who punished the antics of people like Fiyero- and gawked. It was all she could do.

The word slipped out. "…creeper…"

Morrible assumed a professional pose. Assuming she was a professional whore, that was. "Excuse me?"

"Uh, jeepers! I didn't see you-" Elphaba gestured wordlessly at the tree. "That is, I wasn't looking…"

"That's quite all right, I've done enough looking for the both of us."

"Uh… didn't mean to interrupt your…" Elphaba coughed, slurring her next words, "bird watching…" Hey, some theories suggested man evolved from some sort of bird.

"Oh. Well," she giggled girlishly, "weather is my specialty."

"…right…"

With another giggle, Madame Morrible moved conspicuously closer as Elphaba nudged away. "You know… I do have other… specialties…"

"Please tell me you're talking about cooking," Elphaba prayed.

"Oh, I can cook up something good…" She wrapped her arms around Elphaba, who let out a shriek.

"I can't really I'm allergic to, uh, women."

Morrible blocked her. "Do you want to graduate, Master Fiyero?"

"No!" she squeaked.

The headmistress beamed. "Good… because I've got some very interesting ways to get you expelled…"

She maneuvered Elphaba into a precarious position that Fiyero would know all too well. The first word that came to Elphaba's mind was vulgar, so she took it a step higher.

"My line of thought exactly," Morrible replied deviously.

What else had Fiyero forgotten to tell her about his sex life?

Not caring how much trouble she got in, Elphaba shoved the headmistress to the ground. "You're insane! No wonder you showed interest in me."

The last thing she saw was Morrible's smile.

Even though she fled, she was still screwed.

***

"Not to interrupt," Fiyero began.

"You just did, idiot."

"But one, you've probably permanently traumatized me…"

"Sissy! You weren't even there!"

"And two, you're wondering why Morrible wants to see you?"

"What, is that some subtle way of telling me how handsome you… oh…" Elphaba pursed her lips. "She must have been drunk, she wouldn't…"

"Uh-huh." He assumed an unfamiliar thoughtful pose. "You know, this really explains all the private detentions for sharpening my pencil during class or chewing the wrong flavored gum."

"Right, and not because you blew up Doctor Dillamond's chair…"

"Complete accident! He asked me to light a candle! How was a supposed to know that the brand 'Dee-na-mee-tay' is used to start fires?"

"Dynamite, stupid!" Elphaba shook her head. "Morrrible can't expel me because she tried to seduce me."

"Trust me, I've been expelled for some pretty strange things in my life…"

"Look, we'll deal with that later. I don't care if you're expelled, as long as you don't get me expelled."

Fiyero folded his arms. "Well, maybe I don't want to get expelled."

Elphaba raised her eyebrows.

"Jeesh, can't you take a joke?" He shook his head. "So, how'd they like your term paper?"

Elphaba smirked. "Avaric framed it."

"Show-off."

"Oh, don't worry, you made the hall of fame too."

Fiyero spurted wordlessly. "Wha… how… what was I wearing?"

"What was _I _wearing, you mean, and you're lucky it wasn't a birthday suit."

Fiyero shook his head in wonder. "I knew I shouldn't have given Avaric that camera last Lurlinemas. God knows what he's caught on film."

"He's got something." Elphaba bit her lip. "He wouldn't show us, but he said it was… his key to a future."

They were silent for a moment. "So," Fiyero stated finally. "Porn?"

She whacked him. "You're disgusting."

"Hey, you're the one straddling Morrible!" Fiyero shuddered. "God, I must be losing my charm… and here I was, convinced she was a man…"

Elphaba shuddered at the word. "Men…"

***

"Boq, it's your turn to ask." Avaric nudged the munchkin.

"Huh, what?" Boq spurted, snapping his head up. "Oh. Yeah, right. My turn. To ask. To ask…"

"Crope," Avaric filled in.

"Right. Truth or dare?"

"Truth," Crope answered with a shrug.

"Okay, um…" Boq glanced down at his paper. "What's the square root of 841?"

"A number!" Crope answered proudly.

"That's it," Avaric growled. "Gimme that!" He dove towards Boq, snatching the calculus worksheet out of the munchkin's hand before Boq even realized what was happening.

Climbing on Boq's desk, Avaric kicked all of Boq's books and loose sheets of paper to the ground, waving the sheet over his head. "We need something to fire this party up!"

Crope and Tibbett nodded eagerly; Elphaba stared blankly; Boq whimpered. "W-what are you going to d-do with that?" he quavered.

"What do you think?" Avaric questioned, reaching in his pocket and withdrawing a rectangular object. Raising his voice to a shout, he answered his own question, "Bonfire!"

"Yeah!" Crope hooted. "_Mathematics, isolation, rhythm, feeling, power, harmony, and heavy competition_!"

"Come on guys, I need that," Boq whimpered, reaching for the paper unsuccessfully.

Smirking, Avaric lit the sizzling match. "Come on, who wants the honors?"

Both Crope and Tibbett grabbed for the match, but Avaric turned, instead tossing it towards Elphaba. As the flaming object was suddenly thrust at her, she dove away from it.

"Aw, who's afraid of a little fire?" Avaric teased, gesturing towards the fiery stick that had landed Fiyero's bedspread and started a small flame.

"Are you insane?!" Elphaba screeched, whipping her head around and searching the room for something to stop the flames. Spotting one of Fiyero's shoes, she grabbed it and began beating out the fire that had caught on the covers. "You're going to burn the whole dorm down!"

"Hey, we haven't done that yet, that's a smart idea!" Avaric cried, waving the stub of a match around in the air. "Fiyero's being smart… like Elphaba… and Elphaba's green too…" His speech became increasingly slurred, and Elphaba realized he must have consumed a lot of alcohol for him to be drunk.

She stared in horror at the transpiring scene, at Avaric shouting to burn down the school, and with his drunkenness, she was unable to tell if he was joking or not. She glanced at Crope and Tibbett, who were laughing wildly, half-drunk, and then at Boq, who was crawling around on the floor, searching every paper scattered in the floor for his calculus assignment.

"You're going to get us all expelled!" she shrieked as the flames began to spread. She discarded the shoe for a shirt of Fiyero's, a rather expensive looking one too.

"Kind of the point, Fiyero," Avaric declared drunkenly, taking a chug of his beverage.

"Hey, look, the bed's on fire!" Crope shouted, just noticing the increasingly blazing flames.

Avaric turned to look behind him, laughing in delight. "Fireworks!" Suddenly, he frowned, glancing at Elphaba. "Don't play with matches," he scolded solemnly.

"I didn't!" Elphaba yelled irritably, gathering even more of Fiyero's shirts in attempts to make a fire blanket.

"Then why's your bed on fire?" Avaric roared.

"You set it on fire, you… never mind, we need to put out the flames!"

"How?" Avaric asked dumbly, the alcohol seizing control of his brain.

"_I hear its soul, is so unclean, pure water will melt it!_" Tibbett sang gleefully.

"That's great, but WE DON'T HAVE WATER!" Elphaba screamed, struggling with her makeshift blanket. "Since _someone _took apart our bathroom as his science fair project!"

"He's still wet!" Avaric declared, recalling his earlier dare for Boq to go 'jump in a lake.' The munchkin had taken it a bit too literally. "We can use Boq to put out the flames!" He laughed, clapping in delight at his brilliant idea.

"I wish," Elphaba mumbled, wanting to strangle to munchkin for ignoring the perilous situation.

Thinking she was serious, Avaric clambered over to Boq, grabbing his arm.

"No!" Elphaba screeched. "No, no, no, we do not throw people in fire! You see, it may seem impossible to you, but people actually can die! Imagine that."

"But Boq's not a person," Avaric argued dumbly, staring at Boq, then comparing the munchkin to himself, counting the fingers and such.

"Or don't," Elphaba mumbled. "Soon, we won't have to imagine." The blanket was going nowhere, but she persisted both with it and Avaric, though both seemed lost causes. "Avaric, we need water. H2O. Whatever you want to call it. Liquid."

"Use this!" Avaric called, and without hesitation, he dumped his entire bottle of alcohol into the flames. An instant later, he yelped, leaping back as the flames jumped up, engulfing Fiyero's entire covers and sheets as well. Crope and Tibbett both screamed, hugging each other and retreating to their own dorm room, slamming the door shut. Elphaba heard the lock click a second later, with shouts of "_Revolution, justice, screaming for solutions, forcing changes, risk and danger, making noise, and making pleas_!" After that, she had more important matters to deal with.

"You idiot, alcohol doesn't put out flames, it fuels fire!" she cried.

"But it's wet," Avaric argued, sending a puzzling gaze towards the empty bottle. He stumbled backwards, collapsing against the wall.

"Me too," Boq admitted sheepishly.

"Wetness has nothing to do with this," Elphaba gritted anxiously, glancing around for anything to extinguish the flames. "You'd think they'd have a private fire extinguisher for this dorm room…"

No fire extinguisher. No water. No fire blanket. But, on the bright side, no fire alarm- despite the fact that all of them were in imminent danger, a part of Elphaba's mind was cringing at the probable punishment if they were caught. Thankfully, Shiz was an older school with little modern technology. If they could contain the fire, Elphaba doubted it would even be noticed, unless someone from outside saw it through the window…

Through the window. The idea, as the saying went hit her. Inspired, Elphaba rushed to the window sill, thrusting the double set of windows open. It was as she had suspected.

Even from the second floor, the pond below was clearly visible, and, fortunately, accessible.

"Boq, help me!" Elphaba cried to the only other competent person in the room, grabbing one of Fiyero's unscorched shirts and wrapping it around her hands as a protection from the flames, no matter how meager. Then, she rushed back towards the burning mattress and grabbed one end, her hands perilously close to the flames.

But Boq was otherwise occupied. "Ack! My calculus homework!" he cried, grappling for a flame-eaten sheet of paper and stamping the fire out of it with his foot. "Don't worry, I'll save you!"

"Someone needs to get their priorities set straight," Elphaba mumbled, attempting to lift the mattress without any of the fire touching the floor, a near impossible task without assistance. Thankfully, Fiyero's princely covers were thick and not as flammable as the normal cotton kind. The fire had a lot of material to burn through, but it wouldn't last forever. Already, parts of mattress's framework were entirely exposed beneath flames. It wouldn't be long now before the fire was uncontainable, and they'd have to abandon the dorm room for professional help extinguishing the fire. But not before the fire badly damaged the dorm, possibly trapping and killing several students. Including them.

She had to stop the fire before it hurt anyone else. The thought of death made her light-headed, or perhaps that was the lack of oxygen in the air…

With a cough, she began dragging the mattress off the bed in as much haste as she could muster. It was oddly heavy, abnormally heavy. It shouldn't be this heavy, it had to be her who was weakening.

A flame leapt up suddenly, gleaning her arm. Crying out, Elphaba pulled back, barely stopping herself from dropping the mattress.

"Boq," she begged helplessly, praying that he would hear. "Help me!"

But Boq was otherwise occupied once more, staring in utter terror at the flames, his eyes giant orbs, bigger than the sun. "Oh my Oz, we're gonna die!" he screamed, falling to the floor in a dead faint, cradling the ashes of his beloved calculus sheet in his arms.

Elphaba found it hard to disagree. Coughing, she forced herself to take another step backwards, stumbling on the way.

"Oh, god," she mumbled, "we are going to die."

And suddenly, an arm grasped hers. Automatically, she thought of Fiyero, a ridiculous notion. He was, in a way, trapped in his own dorm room, and besides that, he'd be no help. She must be light-headed indeed…

"I'll help you, Elphaba," a voice came, and she turned to meet the gaze of two bright sapphire eyes, shining in the fire's glow.

"Fiyero," she whispered, only realizing a second later that it wasn't him. Avaric stared back at her, unfazed.

Stumbling to the opposite side of the mattress, he grasped an edge untainted by flame. "I've got it. Now, pull."

Together, they dragged the blanket to the window, somehow managing to prop it against the window sill. The heat was nearly unbearable, and Elphaba saw that the fire had burnt entirely through the mattress in several places, more on Avaric's end than hers.

"On three," his voice called somewhere within the layers of smoke. He sounded oddly lucid for being so drunk. It was as if his drunkenness had vanished in the peril, not that she didn't appreciate it.

"One," Avaric began slowly but steadily.

The cloth guarding Elphaba's hands collapsed against the fire. "Three!" she screamed, flinging the burning mattress out the window.

Avaric must have released his end as well, for the mattress soared through the air like a shooting star, turning the night to day in its splendor. Despite the perilous situation, Elphaba couldn't help but be amazed as the ball of fire crashed towards the pond. She wondered what the headmistress thought of this bird that slowly sunk into the pond's unknown depths, slowly disappearing from sight. Patches of embers floated across the pond, specks of dust compared to the once raging blaze.

"Sparks!" Avaric called out, drunk from the sight- or, more likely, the alcohol. "Shooting stars! Ghosts!"

Elphaba was in awe that such a destructive force could be so beautiful, how such a hazardous scene could be so… almost romantic.

Not so romantic, however, to convince her to reach out and gleefully kiss Avaric, as always happened in those heroes' tales. Good deeds or no, he and she were no heroes.

A cry broke the spell of silence. Alarmed, Elphaba turned her attention to Avaric, recovered from his outburst, who was staring at his hands, black and burnt. Unlike Elphaba, he had had no cloth to shield his hands.

Frantically, Elphaba reacted without thinking, dragging him with her to the other end of the room, where Boq lay unconscious against the wall. The fridge, now an empty bucket of ice, sat by his head. Elphaba didn't hesitate in thrusting Avaric's hands in the ice, burying them beneath the freezing cubes. Avaric winced but restrained from removing them, glancing at Elphaba to distract himself.

"Avaric," Elphaba began, searching for some set of words to comfort him.

"Elphaba," he croaked, trying to remove his hand from the bucket. Elphaba restrained him, realizing for the first time that the name he uttered was not supposed to be her own. Avaric struggled to resist her grip, staring at her desperately, his gaze sending her silent sirens.

In attempts to comprehend, she met the object of his gaze, a portion of her shirt that, unbeknownst to her, had caught fire. Alarmed, she whipped her head up, but Avaric had already reacted, thrusting the bucket forward clumsily and dumping the water that had sunk to the bottom on her shirt, soaking the entire bottom half.

"I'm melting," she drawled sarcastically as water droplets trickled to the floor.

But Avaric didn't stop there; he continued long after the meager flames had been quenched, grunting in exertion.

"Avaric!" Elphaba called, grabbing his arm, as his hands were still stuck beneath the ice, some of which had spilled out. Abruptly, Avaric stopped, turning to stare at her.

"Elphaba, what are you doing here?" he questioned drowsily. "And where's Fi… Fi…"

Elphaba gave him a steady look as his eyes rolled behind his sockets, and he passed out. Whether in pain or from the alcohol, she wasn't sure.

She stared at him for a long time after that, puzzled. Prior to this, she had seen a drunken goon, unable to walk without stumbling. And then, suddenly, in the midst of his chaos, his attitude had completely changed, and he had been able to overcome the alcohol that had clouded his judgment.

And, more importantly, he had seen her. Somehow, he had seen inside of her to who she truly was.

"Who am I kidding?" Elphaba muttered, stepping away from the unconscious men. "He was drunk, delusional. He saw what he wanted to see…"

She stopped abruptly there as she realized what that meant. Two things, actually. One, he actually was interested in her, and possibly not just for his usual one night stand. And two, that he had cared enough about her, about saving her, to thwart the alcohol. Something that powerful was definitely real, if not dangerous to all those who tried to stand in the way of it.

Suddenly, she wished that, like Fiyero, she couldn't think.

**

* * *

Worth the wait? Worth a review? Because, you know, otherwise, I could still kill off Avaric… god, I'm desperate… sorry for the wait!**


	10. Details, Details

**Disclaimer: **Wicked's not mine. Just Fiyero. (Just kidding… unfortunately…)

**Notes: **Don't know what I think of this chapter. But it's necessary for conclusion/character study purposes. The next chapter (which I'll probably release in two weeks) should more than make up for it- but reviews could push the release date forward. Or backward. (But I've got sixty reviews so far, that's more than I've ever had on any other story, thanks to my wonderful- bad word choice for Wicked- reviewers! I'm hoping to break seventy by next chapter.) And, Avaric still lives, though I certainly have nothing against taking Fiyero hostage...

For once, Fiyero hadn't interrupted, but his incredulous gaze was an interruption enough. Sighing, Elphaba paused once more, waiting for words to stop springing from Fiyero's mouth.

They sat in silence for a moment before Fiyero finally started speaking. Only it wasn't an interruption, just a simple, "What?"

"Well, your eyes were nearly popping out of their sockets, I was waiting for the words to follow."

"No, it's just… do covers take that long to burn?" Fiyero questioned distantly.

Elphaba rolled her eyes. "That's not what you were going to ask."

"How do you know? It's not like you can read my mind of anything."

"I don't have to, since I currently possess what substitutes for it, and besides, I'm not sure anyone could read it."

"They sell coloring books at bookshops," he argued halfheartedly. Sighing, he released his real question. "What about Avaric?"

"Oh, he was out cold until the morning," she answered.

"You know what I mean," Fiyero said sternly.

"He was very drunk," Elphaba pointed out.

"Yeah, I figured that was what the beverage was by now, I'm not _that _slow."

"I mean, he must have been hallucinating," Elphaba stated. "He wanted to see me, so that was who he saw. Who knows what other scantily dressed women he hallucinated?"

"But his mind was in the situation," Fiyero put in. "He was aware of what was going on. Elphaba, maybe… well, maybe he did see you."

"What do you mean? I magically transformed before his eyes?" She cackled.

"Hey, that's not so uncommon as you think," Fiyero argued.

"It's the frog that's supposed to turn into the prince not the other way around."

"But what I mean is, maybe he was so drunk, he saw through the spell, through the illusion, to what you really were."

"That's… that's ridiculous," Elphaba stammered. "You're saying he saw my spirit or something?"

"Well, I was thinking more of a fanciful word, like essence, but sure, something. It just seems to make sense, that beneath the outer appearances, we're still here and us."

Elphaba stared. "You're being philosophical. The world must be ending."

"Speaking of endings…"

"Yes, yes, I'm almost done," Elphaba interrupted impatiently. "Basically, I bandaged Avaric's hands, waited for Boq to wake up…"

***

Boq pouted, staring at the ashes by his feet. Elphaba swore she saw a tear fall down his cheek, and she didn't dismiss it as a trick of light. Boq was simply that sensitive.

Maybe he and Galinda weren't such a bad match after all…

"You can have my worksheet if you want," Elphaba whispered sympathetically to the moping munchkin, forcing a smile for his sake. As much as she had hated the events of the night, she knew he hated them just as much, perhaps even more, if he was forced to experience this every night.

"You don't have a sheet," Boq sulked. "You can't even add two numbers together without getting six!"

"Well, maybe the numbers were two and four," Elphaba defended. As Boq stared at her skeptically, she hastened to correct (or to incorrect, as the case may be), "Oh, right, that equals seven."

Boq gave her a half-smile. "How are you going to explain your bed anyway?"

"Well, it's my bed, it's not like anyone else will be using it," Elphaba started, stopping at Boq's skeptical expression.

"Well…" Boq began.

"Please," Elphaba interjected with a shudder. "Pretend to be me, and don't think."

Boq glanced at Avaric, still out cold. "What about him?"

Elphaba paused thoughtfully, gazing at the sleeping man. "He can stay," she decided. "His hands might need more bandaging later tonight."

"This morning, you mean," Boq corrected, glancing outside at the utter blackness.

"Right," Elphaba agreed. They sat in silence for a moment, staring out the window.

"Well," Boq stated abruptly. "Good night, then." Without warning, he began stripping. Elphaba jolted backwards, horrified, covering her mouth to stop herself from crying out. Noticing her reaction, Boq questioned, "What?"

"You sleep naked?" Elphaba squeaked.

"Of course not," Boq scoffed. "Who does that? Well, except for you when you're…"

"Naked me… God, I'm going to barf." Elphaba looked away. "You don't need to practice for my sake!"

"I'm not," Boq explained.

"Then why are you…?"

"Even I sleep with my shirt off," Boq answered plainly. "I'm not that modest."

Mildly relieved, Elphaba stated, "Yeah, well, from now on, I am. In fact, I don't think I'm going to change clothes at all."

Boq looked at her skeptically but didn't press the issue, simply heading to bed at least, his trousers still intact, thank goodness. Elphaba paused to take one last glance at Avaric. After a moment of thought, she retrieved a pillow that had fallen off her burnt but habitable bed- rather, wood frame with the makeshift fire blanket- and she adjusted Avaric to a more comfortable position. Then, she headed to bed herself, praying for a dreamless sleep.

***

"And that's the end?" Fiyero prompted eagerly.

"Not quite," Elphaba continued. "There's still the matter of Avaric…"

"Just beat him up," Fiyero stated.

Elphaba raised her eyebrows.

"Oh, I thought you were talking about the part where he wants to date me."

"You think that everything's about you, don't you?"

"Well, it is," Fiyero replied modestly.

***

Maybe she was going to have to use History class as naptime. She couldn't have gotten more than three hours of sleep, but despite her weariness, her body would not allow her to break her daily wake-up routine. Rubbing her eyelids, she relished the short memory loss, pretending to forget what had happened yesterday and dreading what she might find when she awoke.

Finally, she opened her eyes. And jolted up. "Avaric," she panted at the man who was breathing in her ear.

"That would be me," Avaric winced, not moving from his position above her. "Uh, sorry, I…"

"Yeah, you might want to…"

At the same time, both Elphaba and Avaric stepped out of the same bed- and that was a sentence that should have never existed.

"You didn't sleep… well, _there_, did you?" Elphaba questioned with a grimace, fearing the answer.

"Dude, I like Elphaba, remember? I was just making sure you were still breathing. And planning to accidentally-on-purpose push you off the bed."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it," Avaric waved off, not noticing or purposely ignoring the sarcasm that laced her tone. "Um, so, what exactly happened last night?"

"You don't remember?"

"Well, yeah, I do, but it can't be right."

"What do you remember?" Elphaba questioned casually.

"Well, I was drunk, though I don't quite remember that part, that's just deduction… and my hands got burnt… speaking of which, ouch!"

"Well, what am I supposed to say about that?" Elphaba stated when Avaric didn't continue immediately. "Oh, poor baby?"

"Yeah, and 'Let me give it a healing kiss?'" Avaric teased.

"NO!" Elphaba shouted far too emphatically.

In his sleep, Boq bolted up. "Eighty lines of Virgil, sixteen equations, paper on the Hapsburgs!"

Avaric's stare shifted between the two of them.

"Parallelepipedon," Boq finished dreamily, falling back on his bed.

"Yes?" Elphaba tried.

"At least he isn't dreaming about G-girl," Avaric said, refocusing. "And, then, I dreamed we tried to burn the dorm down, except for the part where it wasn't a dream."

"Subtract the we, and it's accurate," Elphaba sniffed.

"And, and there was this light…"

"That would be the fire that almost killed us."

"And I swear, Elphaba was there…"

Elphaba froze, trying to remain nonchalant.

"And she looked good! Well, she always looks good, but this time, it was different. She was glowing, and she said, 'Turn around, girlfriend, and listen to that boy's song!'"

Elphaba raised her eyebrows but at the same time felt relieved. So it was an illusion. One that Avaric broke quickly.

"No, actually, she didn't say that, that was what I dreamed of. She didn't say anything… no, wait she said…" He closed his eyes. "Fiyero. She whispered your name before we put out the fire. Her and I. Together."

"She and I," Elphaba corrected, unable to resist.

"No, she and I, you were…" Avaric paused. "Actually, I don't recall you being there, but you must have… where were you, Fiyero? And what was Elphaba doing here?"

So similar to his words from last night. Elphaba forced a chuckle out. "I was right here, who else do you think was lucid enough to put out the fire? You were delusional, but you managed okay."

"It's strange, I remember everything so well…"

"That's why they're called hallucinations. You saw what you wanted to see, whatever would motivate you to move."

"But Elphaba…"

"Was back in her own dorm, as you proved earlier." Avaric grinned at this, wincing slightly. Glancing at Avaric's bandaged fingers, Elphaba asked gently, "How do you feel?"

"Like hell," Avaric answered bluntly, earning himself one of Elphaba's infamous glares. "Actually, the headache's worse than the burns."

"Serves you right," Elphaba sniffed, and then seriously, "We should probably have a doctor look at those. They looked pretty painful last night."

Avaric shrugged. "They're just singed. Besides, a doctor would probably wonder what we were doing that caused my current condition. Great way to get expelled- despite the affair we've been having, Madame Morrible couldn't afford to go easy on me, and certainly not you," Avaric joked. Recalling Morrible's "bird watching," Elphaba managed a half-hearted, gritty laugh and wondered just how hypothetical this affair truly was. "How would we explain it? 'We all got drunk and tried to burn the dorm down, only succeeding in destroying Fiyero's mattress by sheer luck?'"

"Or, you fell asleep too close to the fireplace?" Elphaba suggested realistically. "And for the record, I wasn't drunk."

"Yeah, funny that," Avaric commented, but thankfully not elaborating. "But I think it's best to let these heal on their own. Besides, it'll make me look tough, like Bruce."

It took Elphaba a moment to remember her fictitious boyfriend. "I guess so. But we'll need to find some ointment or something…"

Avaric waved her off with his elbow. "I'm fine."

"And what do you plan on telling people?"

"I beat Bruce up- you should see his wounds compared to mine…" He paused as Elphaba rolled her eyes. "I'll tell them I passed out in front of the fireplace. More believable."

"And what about school? How are you going to do your homework with your hands bandaged like that?"

"Easy. I won't. Hey, I'll actually have a valid excuse for once."

Elphaba shook her head. "Elphaba won't be terribly impressed if you flunk out of school."

"Yes, Mother," Avaric teased playfully. "Seriously, no one does their homework. Not even you."

"I do!" Elphaba protested automatically. A second later, her eyes widened, and she dashed towards a towering stack of paper that she assumed was Fiyero's pile of homework past. Leafing through the top sheets, her mouth dropped open in horror.

Unlike her, Fiyero hadn't bothered to do his homework before stalking her at the library.

"Not," Elphaba sighed, glancing back at Avaric, who seemed oddly amused. Flipping through the papers, she questioned offhand, "Got a pen on you by any chance?"

***

"You're kidding," Fiyero sounded. "You did not really finish my homework at however ungodly of an hour you woke up."

"I did," Elphaba answered reluctantly. "But not for you."

"Then, why…?"

"For me, I couldn't stand your pile of papers."

"But I never do my homework! What did the teachers think?"

"They never got the chance to find out," Elphaba gritted.

Fiyero grinned. "What, did Avaric burn that too?"

"Nope," Elphaba answered, reaching for a bag she had found lying in Fiyero's closet, which she had filled with his textbooks. It wasn't really a plural seeing as Fiyero had already succeeded in losing every single boom except for one especially battered up copy that was probably Boq's anyway. Elphaba retrieved several sheets of paper and handed them to Fiyero.

He studied them. "What? They look perfect to me."

"That's the point. One, every single answer is detailed and correct."

"Yeah, seriously detailed. I don't think 'What is seven times eight?' requires complete sentences, much less an essay answer."

"I was bored. And two, look at the handwriting."

"Looks normal to me."

"Exactly. It's _my _handwriting, not yours. Wouldn't it seem a little suspicious if you turned in a copy with my handwriting on it, especially a flawless copy?"

"Not really. What would they have to compare it against? Kidding," he added hastily at her venomous glare. He leafed through the papers, frowning at the empty sheets at the bottom of the pile. "What about these? You didn't do them."

"That's because they're your homework."

"Yeah, I know."

"I mean today's homework."

Fiyero stared at her as if it were a foreign concept. "Elphaba, just because I'm you now does not mean I'm going to start doing homework. The brains weren't passed along, remember?"

"Would you quit saying that?"

"No, really. The handwriting proves it- inside, we're the same as before, meaning I have no intention whatsoever of doing my homework."

"Galinda will be wondering what ever happened to the Elphaba she knew," Elphaba mused. "An Elphaba that doesn't do homework is unthinkable…"

Fiyero folded his arms above his head charmingly. "Well, current Elphaba is un_think_able."

"The Elphaba that's too busy doing her homework to undertake another makeover?"

"Okay, okay, I'll do my homework. Happy?"

"Good. And you'll give it to me after you're done so that I can hand it in for you." She paused. "But don't do it too well, or the teachers will get suspicious. Just make sure you spend at least two hours a night doing homework, and more reading- and no, you can't read your stupid coloring books!"

Fiyero groaned. "Maybe the reason I don't do homework is because I have ADHD, what do I do then?"

"Do you have ADHD?"

"Well… no, but… yes, I probably do!"

"Would you rather be on a date with Avaric? Because I'm sure I could convince Galinda to…"

"NO!" Fiyero interrupted loudly.

"Good. Now give me my homework- or your homework, however you phrase it…"

But Fiyero wasn't listening, his eyes widening in dread. Puzzled, Elphaba tried to ignore him by reaching inside his book bag- which she still considered hers- and removing the homework she had been assigned. Fiyero stiffened, groaning.

"I'm serious, if you don't stop complaining about your homework, I'll…"

"I wasn't groaning at that."

"I told you, take it more like a…" Elphaba began automatically.

"Not that either!" Fiyero began, and then with another groan, "Yes, that, but I was talking about Galinda."

"You're dating her, spending time with her can't be… oh," Elphaba realized.

"The date with Avaric," he sighed with a grimace. "Galinda."

"Galinda," Elphaba repeated. "I'll have to talk to her about that." Suddenly, she straightened, aware of yet another problem. "Fiyero, you don't by any chance have… have…"

"Have what?" Fiyero questioned, paling slightly with a small groan. "A pen? A detention pass? This morning's history notes?"

"A… you took notes?"

"Well, I passed them- a bucket of water?" Fiyero rambled, ignoring her. "A million dollars? A random, deserted castle in the middle of nowhere?"

"A d…"

"An aspirin? No, wait that's what I need… a terrible cramp? Because that's pretty much all I… do… have…" he panted, clutching his stomach. "Ozness!"

For once, Elphaba didn't glare, shutting her eyes and whispering meekly, "A date?"

Fiyero gaped. "What, are you asking _me_?"

"No, idiot, I want to know if I'm going to be forced to go on a date with Galinda for the party this Saturday!" Elphaba hissed, trying not to raise her tone too much.

"You know about the party?" Fiyero asked incredulously. "You're actually in the loop?"

"What is that supposed to mean? And why do they call it the loop? Because there's not a literal loop, and I sincerely doubt that "Ring Around the Rosie" is going to be one of the available activities- did you know that's really all about the plague and dying? Because I might just die if…"

Fiyero cleared his throat, and Elphaba immediately halted her rant. "Right, yes, I know about it."

"Um, well, it just so happens that," Fiyero began, giving Elphaba a sliver of hope, "I did not ask Galinda to the dance."

"Really?" Elphaba asked, and then recalling her utter abhorrence of that word, she continued, "I mean, you didn't?"

"Nope," Fiyero replied, and Elphaba fell back in her seat in relief. "That is to say," Fiyero continued, "I didn't ask her, but she assumed I was taking her, so she kind of went ahead and asked me, except it wasn't posed in question format."

Elphaba groaned in horror. "You mean…"

"I mean," Fiyero agreed, not looking properly dismayed in her opinion. Elphaba stared at him for a moment before standing up, muttering under her breath, "Well, at least now we'll both have dates."

With that she stalked off, leaving a gawking Fiyero behind.

**

* * *

Anyone catch the **_**Spring Awakening**_** reference? If you haven't heard of SA (a Broadway musical about children left in ignorance of their own body), I suggest you check it out right now, it's amazing. And, while you're at it, you could look up my SA fanfics… or just review this one, that'd be fine. Come to think of it, there was a RENT reference in here too (and a Broadway fanatic, particularly a Wicked fanatic, who hasn't heard of RENT is more unthinkable than a dumb Elphaba, so please, if you haven't heard of it, go educate yourself. Now.)  
**


	11. What is Um?

**Disclaimer: **Wicked is mine, assuming we're referring to my favorite CD.

**Notes: **This chapter was probably the most fun to write, likely because we're back to Fiyero's point of view for most of the chapter. I know that "um" isn't actually an interjection, but it worked so well that I decided Boq could be so awed at Galinda's presence that he forgot his grammar. That sounds really random, but… well, you'll see what Fiyero gets himself into.

She needed to cool down. That would involve forgetting Fiyero and his idiocy, of which the changes were slim. Besides, she wasn't very cool at all. Just cold-hearted and hot-tempered.

Elphaba knew she was being selfish, a rarity indeed. But then again, she wasn't exactly herself.

She knew that this wasn't Fiyero's fault, that she would have had to date Galinda soon anyway, or people would begin to suspect something was wrong. But she also knew that she had enough problems in her life and that she didn't need Fiyero to add to them.

This wasn't a solution to any of her numerous problems at all; but, at the very least, it would be funny. Wickedly so. Maybe she was a wicked girl, as Avaric had suggested.

Avaric. Her next victim. He wouldn't be in the crowds of the courtyard, and even if he were, it would be the last place she'd look. After all, Elphaba aimed to avoid Fiyero. Maybe he thought- not that he ever did- that he could help, but seeing him would only make things harder. For him.

_Where would a guy like Avaric go? _If he were a normal person, he'd be socializing right now. As he was not a normal person- at least, using her definition of normal, which, granted, was out of whack- Avaric would be somewhere unexpected, and therefore in some place quite expected in her line of thought, which even she was losing quickly.

_Think,_ Elphaba stated, _as hard as that might be for Fiyero, you're not him. _Glancing at herself, she amended with a sigh, _Discounting the literal sense._

Avaric wanted Elphaba, but he wouldn't be stalking her.

_He's already done enough of that for a- forever, _she thought, recalling his late night adventure. Wishing she hadn't, Elphaba returned to the topic at hand. Avaric. Who would be doing anything he could to gain an upper hand in dating her, most likely.

_Perhaps preparing to face Bruce, _Elphaba concluded. _Then he'd be in the gym, practicing with a punching bag or something. Except for the fact that the gym is currently in use by the yoga club- though why they need a gym, I have no idea…_

_How else could he prepare himself to face Bruce, or to date? _she fumed. _He doesn't even know anything about this Bruce…_

She trailed off, suddenly certain she knew where Avaric was. Somewhere unexpected where he could prepare for dating Elphaba and familiarize himself with Bruce.

"What is it with kids these days?" she wondered aloud. "Don't they know that the library is supposed to be empty at all times?"

Shaking her head, she raced off towards the lonely refuge of her past, hoping she wasn't wrong.

xXx

"Elphaba!" Fiyero shouted loudly, earning him dubious glares from several students. "Yes, I'm looking for myself, get over it!"

He didn't know exactly what Elphaba had said as she stormed away; the accursed cramps had distracted him, the very same cramps that were preventing him from racing after her this very instant. But whatever it had been didn't sound good.

Knowing her, it was probably "I'm going to kill you, idiot." Which would mean she'd departed to find weapons, which would be… where?

_God, I'm stupid. _Probably the only true statement of the bunch. _She couldn't kill herself._

Clutching his stomach, Fiyero pushed himself up, limping across the courtyard and bumping into several irritated students in the process, which he ignored. Not being the social king had its advantages, such as not having to stop every other moment of his life to engage himself in a lengthy and useless conversation. Of course, the downside was that just as many people stopped him to push him into a tree, spit at him, steal his history notes. (Wouldn't the sucker be surprised to find a bunch of scandalous doodles and "Princess Elphaba" written a hundred times in the margins.) Plus he couldn't scan the crowd for the familiar flash of green that most certainly meant "go!" Not that it would have helped anyway. Elphaba was gone. Well, not really gone, just not in sight. Which was probably the same thing as gone.

He figured she had run because she needed some alone time. Hence, he decided, he needed to find her as quickly as possible.

But what to say? He had to say something, since his nonverbals were unlikely to go over well. _I can't imagine what it's like to be you right now. _Their situation only brought out the cheesiness in everything. Come to think of it, he still couldn't imagine what it was like to be her. He'd walked in her shoes for almost a day, yet he was still no closer to understanding her.

And, for an insane moment, he swore liked it that way.

Still, he knew she wasn't the girl for the rose or pearl. Or cheesy love speech. How was he possibly supposed to comfort her, then?

Simple. He wasn't. He was a Vinkan Prince. She was… well, green! He had a trophy girlfriend, she had… no one.

And all he could give her were false promises and truths she wouldn't believe.

_Regardless, _Fiyero decided, _I have to find her. Because… because… I don't know, because I want to!_

But where? Had she been herself, he'd place his money on the library, but as Fiyero, she'd avoid the place like wildfire. Plus, he'd know to look there, and he got the feeling that she was trying to avoid him. There was the remote possibility, of course, that she had simply felt like taking a spontaneous cross-campus jog mid-lunch hour.

Oz, he was supposed to have her brains, why couldn't he use them?

Running aimlessly, Fiyero rounded a pillar and nearly bumped into a certain blonde he had been avoiding all day.

"Have you seen Fiyero?" he asked automatically, only to hear her echo the same question. Both stared at each other in surprise, simultaneously continuing, "You're looking for him too?"

At this, they both glared at each other. "Stop that!"

Groaning, a forceful "I mean it!" followed suit before each clamped their hand over the other's mouth in one quick movement.

"Move your hand, or I'll drool," Fiyero threatened, his words slurred as her hand pressed against his mouth. At the same time, Galinda cried, "Get your stupid hand out of my face!"

Both hands withdrew quickly as Fiyero commented, "Hey, we didn't say the same…" He trailed off as he realized Galinda was in the process of uttering the same sentence. Raising his hands, a movement copied by Galinda, they both shouted vigorously, "STOP IT!"

Before Fiyero could continue, Galinda covered his mouth once more, speaking alone, "So, have you seen him?"

Fiyero gestured to his mouth, muttering something unintelligible. Sighing, Galinda reluctantly unclamped his mouth, and he sputtered before answering, "Would I be looking for her- uh, sorry, him- otherwise?"

"Well, maybe you saw him earlier today," Galinda sniffed.

"Oh, I did," Fiyero stated. "Actually, he just ran away. I mean, to get food."

"If you knew he went to get food, why would you not know where he was?" Galinda hammered. "Why are you looking for him anyway?"

"Uh, tutoring?" Fiyero tried.

"He's tutoring you?" With an incredulous expression, Galinda took his hand sympathetically. "Um, Elphie, I don't think Fiyero even knows what the word 'tutoring' means, much less be able to tutor someone as well-versed as yourself."

"Hey, I know what tu… I know he's not smart. I'm tutoring him, remember?"

"Oh. Right. But not Saturday, right? We're going to the dance together," Galinda explained unnecessarily, fluttering her eyelashes flirtatiously.

"Yes, about that…" Fiyero began.

"About it, you need a date too!" Galinda declared. "I've been spying on Avaric for you, and I think he likes you."

"But Bruce," Fiyero argued.

"Elphie, my name's Galinda, remember?"

"No, Bruce, you know, the Brute?"

"Who?"

"Well, I haven't met him yet, but I think we're going out, possibly even marrying," Fiyero stated. Galinda stared at him, utterly lost. "It's complicated. Don't try to understand."

"But… I don't understand," Galinda stammered.

"That's why I said you didn't have to understand," Fiyero repeated.

"O-kay," Galinda stated. "Sooo, can I ask Avaric out?"

Fiyero snapped his head up. "Yes, totally, a world of yes, do you want me to tell Fiyero?" One glance at her told him that was not what she meant. "Oh, you mean ask him out for me?"

"Do you really think I'd betray you like that?" Galinda asked. "Ask out the one person you love? I'd never do that to you, Elphie."

As guilt overwhelmed him, the words spilled from his mouth before Fiyero could stop them. "I have something to tell you."

Galinda waited. "Well?"

_Oz, why do I put myself into situations like these?_ If he was going to confront Galinda, it would be in his own body, where he could take responsibility and Elphaba wouldn't be blamed. Besides, he wasn't all that certain any blame was to be cast on her. She hadn't shown much sign of wanting his company, after all.

"I just wanted to say, um… yes, um, I wanted to say um."

"Um?"

_Why do I get myself in these situations?! _Out loud, he babbled in the guise of calmness, "Yes, um. Although it's a, um- see there it is again- it's a… it's on the tip of my tongue, and no, that is not what um is… what is um?"

"Um…" Galinda sounded.

"Yes, you heard me right, um!"

"Um, where are you going with this?"

"I'm going down a long and painful road of agonistic, and, uh, agonizing, as well as agony-invoking-" Another cramp rampaged through him. "-blah, agony, agony," he listed, "grammar." Pausing for a moment to breath, Fiyero questioned, "Am I the only one not able to follow that? What was I trying to lie- er, talk, talk about- again?"

"Um…" Galinda began.

"Yes, that was it, um!" Fiyero declared. "Yeah, it's a conjunction." He straightened himself proudly.

"Um, it's an interjection, actually," came a small voice from beneath Fiyero… heck, it wasn't beneath anymore, Boq was almost level with him. Something _had _to be done about that.

"Yeah, right," Fiyero scoffed. "The only interjection I see here is you, mini-man, so I'd shoo, if I were you- hey, that rhymes- and besides," he continued as Boq started to interrupt, "we were not talking about 'it,' we were talking about the finer delicacies of 'um.'"

"Um…" Boq began timidly.

"Yeah, um," Fiyero repeated haughtily.

"Um?" Galinda interrupted, raising her hand.

"How many times do I have to tell you this, we're talking about um!" Fiyero shouted.

"What's the point of this, Elphie?" Galinda asked.

"M-miss Galinda?" Boq stammered. She turned to him. "I-I like talking about grammar too, Miss Galinda,"

"Well, I don't," Galinda declared.

Bog giggled nervously. "Me neither."

"Guys? Can we get back on topic?" Fiyero interjected, waving his hand in front of the pair, feeling vaguely jealous.

"Can we not?" Galinda begged.

"No, I need to finish this," Fiyero argued before muttering, "Great, now I have to finish this, don't I? So," he continued loudly, "um, don't use it too much, teachers dock points."

"I thought you said we were talking about um, not it," Boq said, mildly confused.

"It's called a… a… well, I don't know what it's called, something like antidote?"

"Antecedent?" Boq tried.

"Sure, that," Fiyero said. "The lesson here is not to use um." Noticing Galinda staring at him, he shrugged. "Hey, I'm a grammar freak, what did you expect me to say? Something mildly pertaining to the topic? Because I'm not cheating on you in any way, shape, or form, and I'm not going out with you anyway, so how could I cheat on you, and I'm babbling again anyway, so there!"

"Um, okay," Galinda sounded slowly.

"Gah!" Fiyero declared. "What did I just say about um?"

"Um…" Boq began.

"What is it with you guys?!" Fiyero shrieked, flailing his arms around, rather enjoying his overreaction.

"Um…" Galinda started.

"STOP WITH THE UM!" he screamed. Boq opened his mouth while Fiyero continued loudly, "And if you say um, I'll kill you!"

Boq closed his mouth quickly.

"Damn, guess I can't kill you yet," Fiyero mused, snapping his fingers in regret.

"She was talking about you yesterday," Galinda stated sincerely to Boq, who didn't seem to be listening to the words, instead lost in awe that the lovely Galinda was addressing him.

"No, that was Bob," Fiyero disagreed.

"She wanted to kill him too," Galinda remarked.

"It's the time of the month," Fiyero explained proudly. Both Galinda and Boq stared at him, Galinda horrified and Boq confused. "You know, with the babies?"

"Um, Elphie, this is one of those things you don't talk about in front of guys," Galinda squeaked. "Okay?"

"You have to kill babies once a month?" Boq asked, confused.

"Ha! I know something you don't!" Fiyero declared, doing a little happy dance where he stood. "I know more than one thing you don't."

Boq gaped at him, utterly bewildered, whereas Galinda studied Fiyero with concern. "Have you been drinking?"

"No," Boq answered automatically with a slight jump. "W-why would you think that, Miss Galinda?"

"She was asking me, idiot," Fiyero retorted, eyeing the munchkin suspiciously and recalling Elphaba's account of last night. "You know, I seem to use that word a lot, especially around Fiyero…"

"I haven't been drinking around Fiyero," Boq interrupted a little too guiltily.

Fiyero's eye narrowed, wondering if Elphaba had left anything out. "What did you do last night?"

"I-I didn't drink, and I wasn't with Fiyero," Boq stammered. "Unless you're talking about water, which isn't dangerous, even though it k-kills thousands of people a year."

"Water kills people?" Fiyero questioned, distracted. "It must be female." He frowned. "Or would it be she must be female? And is water singular or plural?"

"That's it, you two can speak grammar language together, alone," Galinda said irritably.

"And that's a contradiction," Fiyero stated.

"Assuming grammar language is English, aren't we already speaking it?" Boq asked.

Galinda had stopped listening. "Anyway, that's great, I'm going to ask Avaric about that date," she prattled, skipping off into the crowd, or perhaps dashing off.

"Now you're dating Avaric?" Boq questioned desperately, eyes widening and shoulders slumping.

Fiyero called after Galinda, who either didn't hear or ignored him. Growling, he turned to Boq. "We need to have a little talk, which fits perfectly with you seeing as you're a little man."

"What do we need to talk about?" Boq inquired innocently.

"First off, quit flirting with Galinda," Fiyero ordered, "you're making me even sicker to my stomach than I already am."

"I- I don't know what you're talking about," Boq stammered.

"The cramps, duh! You know- that whole female punctuation thing?"

"Females like grammar?" Boq repeated, exasperated.

"Or maybe she's just allergic to munchkins," Fiyero replied, gesturing in Galinda's direction. When Boq feigned innocence, Fiyero snapped, "Oh, come on, we all know about your crush on her. You'd have to be blind not to see it."

"Miss Galinda's blind?" Boq fretted anxiously.

"Okay, well, like grammar, there's always the exception to the rule," Fiyero consented.

Boq sighed. "Women can be so oblivious at times," he fumed, dropping the meek act.

"Trust me, I know what you're talking about," Fiyero sympathized with a nod. Boq raised an eyebrow. "Hey, don't go all Spock on me!"

"Do you think Galinda will ever see me?" Boq asked.

"Well… maybe if you wore stilettos," Fiyero put forth to Boq's horror. "What am I saying? You can't have Galinda!" He glowered at the munchkin, for once glad to possess the infamous Elphaba glare, and with emphasis, he stressed, "She's mine."

Boq's eyes widened. "I'm sorry," he stammered. "I didn't… I mean, I wasn't aware you had such feelings for Miss Galinda."

Fiyero blinked, remembering who he was, and more importantly, that he was trying to break up with Galinda anyway. Disengaging Fiyero-possessive-mode, he said, "Nah, it's alright, mini-man, I meant that she's mine as in you need my consent before dating her."

"Wow," Boq breathed. "The rumors must be true."

He narrowed his eyes. "About this permission thing…"

Boq stiffened. "I'm sorry, sir, madam, miss."

"I'll let you date her, but you've got to get her to break up with Fiyero first," Fiyero bribed, "which could be more than just potentially problematic. He's slipping, sure, but she's still hooked on him majorly. It's going to take more than smarts- you've got to show her you exist, that you're more than just a boring study buddy. If all she sees is a bookish introvert, she'll try to set you up with Elphaba," Fiyero yammered, and realizing his slip, he quickly added, "which is me."

"So I have to exist?" Boq questioned, obviously not very well versed dating. With a shrug, Fiyero nodded. "Cool, I've already got most of it accomplished!"

"It's more than that," Fiyero argued. "You've got to be cool. You've got to be popular."

Boq's shoulders drooped slightly. "But how do I do that? I can't even successfully date Nessa, how do you expect me to date Galinda?"

"That's right, you're dating Nessa!" Fiyero declared. He frowned. "Ah, well. You'll just have to find some way to dump her. Good luck with that."

"You want me to dump your sister?" Boq questioned uncertainly.

"Nessa's my sister!" Fiyero proclaimed loudly, only mildly surprised.

Boq studied him, looking for any sign of a joke. "Well, last time I checked…"

"That means that I have an inside influence on her," Fiyero stated. "I mean, I am older, right?"

"You're asking me?"

"Right. I'm older. I have to be, because I'm taller, except she's always sitting down, so maybe I'm not taller, meaning maybe I'm not older," Fiyero babbled. "Seriously, how come we can't just count rings to find out our age? I mean, trees can do it."

"But, you're not a tree," Boq stated.

"So I've been told," Fiyero commented. "Listen, you need major dating help."

"Actually, I'm rather gifted at keeping a calendar," the munchkin noted proudly.

Fiyero covered his face with his hands. "Hence the 'you need major dating help' part." He glanced at the munchkin. "Okay, here's the deal. I'll help you get together with Galinda- _and _I'll try to convince Nessa to dump you- if you help me get Galinda to break up with Fiyero."

Boq stared back blankly. "You help… me?"

Fiyero shrugged. "Sure. It doesn't mean we have to like each other."

"Right, because I like Galinda."

Fiyero glared. "I cannot believe I'm actually doing this…"

"Me neither," Boq admitted. "What do you know about dating?"

"Well, I do specialize in one night stands… but if there's one class in Shiz I'm qualified to teach, it's this one."

"And if there's one class I'm likely to flunk…"

"Just copy my homework," Fiyero instructed with a shrug. "It's what I do. Don't worry mini-man- in no time, you'll be a real boy."

Boq reached forward to hug him. "Whoa!" Fiyero yelped. "One, don't swing that way, and two, you're beginning to convince me that you do."

"Huh…?" Boq frowned. "Wait, you don't like guys?"

"No!" Fiyero groaned. "I don't like munchkins."

"But isn't your father the governor of Munchkinland?"

"He is?!... uh, he is… I guess… if you say so…" Hmmm… a governor's daughter… Sure, Elphaba was no Princess of Oz, but the eldest daughter of a governor could be quite… eligible. For marriage, that was. If she ever got past hating him. "No more questions- just remember." Fiyero cleared his throat. "_Let's go down to the Ozdust ballroom, we'll meet there later tonight_."

"And we'll dance?" Boq asked.

"'Til it lights!" Fiyero grinned. "_Find the prettiest girl, give her a whirl… _that would be Galinda, of course, but we can use me as a practice dummy." He flipped his hair back in a Galindafied manner. "I've got the second part nailed."

"So…"

"So, I'll be picking you up around eight?"

"After all," Boq stated.

Fiyero stopped. "No. No way, I am _so _not… you did not just…" Dramatically, he dropped to one knee. "Oh, Elphaba, thy beauty hath made me effeminate!" With that, he dashed away. On second thought, he poked his head back around the corner. "Don't laugh," he called to a puzzled Boq, "I have actually read a book… play… whatever!"

**

* * *

Okay, lame, but I was listening to Aaron Tveit's "Dancing Through Life," and the lyrics just leaked onto the page… review, and the next chapter will be up in another two weeks. (I'm alternating with my Harry Potter fic, though I'm considering abandoning that since I've gotten next to zero reviews for the last two chapters. So, if anyone wants to read that… I'm shamelessly self-advertising again… And for anyone who reads "Spring Mistakening?" there will an update on that tomorrow.)**


	12. Some Things Can't Be Studied

**Disclaimer: **Do I need to say it?

**Notes: **Um… (Fiyero will kill me for saying that.) So, here's chapter 12. Not my best, but it kind of ends the long story arch we've been on (the retelling the past and setting up relationships arch). I'm hoping next chapter will be something new- hoping, since I haven't written it yet. I'll try to get it done in two weeks, but if school continues to ramp up, I may have to wait until after exams. But I'll make up for it somehow! If you review, especially.

"Is it possible to get lost in a building that consists of three rooms?" Avaric's voice echoed hollowly through the shelves. Squinting, he read the sign at the end of the nearest shelf. "Biology/Life Sciences."

Shrugging, he wandered down that aisle, sliding his fingers across the spines of several books. Dust flew through the air, as if the books hadn't been touched in centuries. Because they probably hadn't been, and he was probably stupid to awaken them from their slumber now.

Then again, he was stupid.

"Wait for it," Avaric mumbled before sneezing.

"What was that?" came a voice, and involuntarily, Avaric dashed behind a stack of books. In other words, he smashed into them, sending them crashing in every which direction.

Madame Morrible turned the corner, her eyes steadying on Avaric, who simply blinked several times.

"Uh, I'm on the floor," Avaric stated.

"So I can see," Madame Morrible replied, her sharp gaze piercing him through her wire-rimmed spectacles.

"I think I'm going to stand up now," he continued, doing just so. "Is there anything you wanted, Madame?" _Anything, that is, that doesn't have a thing to do with me?_

"Have you seen Miss Thropp?" she questioned sternly, although she was always stern, so the adverb was probably unnecessary. _Well, _Avaric amended, recalling a certain situation last night, _almost always…_

"I'm not stalking her," Avaric stammered automatically. The headmistress raised her eyebrow. "Uh, I mean, yes, she was in the courtyard earlier. And I only know that because I happened to see her, I wasn't looking at her, I just saw her, coincidentally, because I was not…"

"Thank you," Madame Morrible cut off, and without another word, she hurried away, leaving Avaric gawking.

_Man, did I just pull a Fiyero or what?_ Avaric shuddered, and remembering of his purpose, he resumed his own search. Mindlessly, he went to throw the book back on what remained of the stack. The title caught his eye, and he did a double take, pulling the book back and reading the title aloud, "Long Term Diseases and Remedies."

"Ha!" he declared, paging through the book, which was all too thick. An undetermined amount of time later, he glanced up, realizing he was still standing there, reading up on a random disease, which, while mildly fascinating, was not what he had come here for.

"I'd better not be turning into a nerd," he muttered. Not that Elphaba would mind.

Casually striding out of the maze of bookshelves after several minutes of pretending not to be lost, Avaric spotted a nerdish looking boy reading in an old armchair, a prime view, probably the best in the entire library… heck, Boq would never learn, or perhaps he learned too much. Regardless of anything they tried to drill into him, Boq still visited the library more than once a month- how did he survive? Avaric whistled, then snapped for reinforcement. "Hey, you!"

Boq whipped his head up, and noticing Avaric staring at him, glanced behind him precariously, disbelieving that Avaric could be talking to him in public.

Avaric sighed, "Yes, I'm talking to you."

"Me?" Boq questioned.

"No, you," Avaric corrected.

Boq looked confused. Avaric decided that Boq couldn't be as smart as his library visits would indicate. Besides, he was reading a book that had big print, and colored pictures…

"Is that diagram what I think it is?" Avaric asked suddenly.

"No!" Boq said a little too quickly, before sighing, "Unless you think it's a diagram showing a male how to properly kiss a female, because that's what it is."

"Aw, come on, you know Fiyero or I could have shown you that," Avaric said. "It's pretty self-explanatory."

"Elphaba was trying to teach me," Boq replied nonchalantly.

Avaric stared. "Do I need to beat you up?"

"She didn't demonstrate," Boq added hastily. "Um, not to pry, but, well, why are you suddenly interested in Elphaba?"

Avaric paused. Why? "Well, she's a girl, I'm a boy, and neither of us are gay. At least, I don't think she is."

"That's good, because I did," Boq admitted sheepishly. "Several times."

Avaric stared once more.

"But she's not," Boq continued, "she just hates munchkins."

"How come you know all this?" Avaric questioned.

"She happened to be in the courtyard at the same time as me," Boq answered.

"You'd better not be stalking her," Avaric threatened.

"I wasn't stalking Miss Galinda!" Boq denied.

"We were talking about Elphaba."

"I wasn't stalking her either. I just happened to see her, and she volunteered to help me with my dating problem."

Avaric gawked. "You're sure we're talking about Elphaba Thropp?" Boq nodded. "And not the fruit kind of date?" Again, a nod. Avaric rolled his eyes. "It's probably Bruce's fault."

"Who's Bruce?"

"Her boyfriend."

"She has a boyfriend?"

"Not for long," Avaric said, eyes blazing with determination.

"So, you're not dating Galinda?" Boq asked.

Avaric raised his eyebrows. "You really don't know who's dating who, do you? Why would I be dating Galinda? That's Fiyero, remember."

"Not for long," Boq replied cheerfully. "Not now that Elphaba's tutoring me."

"So, you'll be spending time with her?" Avaric questioned. Boq nodded. "Say, while you're in one of those tutoring sessions, maybe you could, you know, check in on her dating situation, drop a few hints, snoop around the dorm room for various waylaid garments of hers…"

"Okay, ew."

"Quit being such a girl." Avaric pointed a finger at the munchkin. "And move."

"But I just got here," Boq whined. "Why can't you move?"

"I'm not quite sure you understand sociology," Avaric stated plainly. "You're a nerd, and I'm not, therefore, I dominate over you, like a queen bee, only I'm not a bee, or a girl. Besides," he added, "the carrying capacity for the library is one. I'm sorry, one and a half just doesn't cut it."

"Well, I'm not moving," Boq announced confidently.

"That's unfortunate," Avaric said gloomily in his best villain tone. He began cleaning out the underside of his fingernails. After a few moments, he glanced up to see Boq staring at him. "This is the part where you get scared and run away."

Boq grumbled something under his breath but stood up nonetheless and plopped down into less comfy chair a few meters away.

Avaric nodded once before falling lazily into the armchair. He opened his book, barely getting a page into it before a hand ripped the volume away from him.

"Hey…" he began, snatching for it before he noticed Fiyero standing over him, looking oddly stoic. "What? Two visits to the library in just as many days? Are you working on growing a brain or something?"

"It'd take the Wizard to give me a brain," Fiyero sniffed, beginning to carefully close the book.

"Well, I'm not him," Avaric replied. "Hey! Don't close that yet! I need a bookmark."

Fiyero sighed impatiently, which motivated Avaric to move even slower as he searched for a useable scrap of paper. Finding one at the foot of the chair, he carefully folded it neatly in fourths and placed it in the correct page.

"Now, what do you want?" Avaric asked.

Fiyero turned to glare at Boq, who glanced up innocently. "Move."

"Does anyone know the definition of a public place?" Boq asked, throwing his arms up.

"Dictionary day was yesterday, Boq," Fiyero replied. "Get your days straight. Now, shoo! Go stalk Galinda or something, I heard she was heading to find food."

"Nope, she's looking for Avaric," Boq stated proudly.

"You really do stalk her, don't you?" Fiyero questioned suspiciously.

"No, I just happened to see her in the courtyard talking to Elphaba," Boq defended.

"Elphaba?" Fiyero repeated, suddenly alert. "What were they talking about?"

"Um," Boq stated. They waited for further explanation, but none came.

"Look, just, leave, okay?" Fiyero pleaded. A second later, he continued in a completely different tone, "By the way, are you feeling alright?"

"Why?" Boq questioned.

"You know, last night," Fiyero answered somewhat hesitantly.

"Oh. Last night," Boq sounded, vaguely disappointed or possibly nervous.

"Ah, last night," Avaric sighed, folding his arms behind his head. After a moment, he continued quickly, "but that was last night, not now."

"Thank Lurline," Boq and Fiyero muttered, barely audible.

"And now, Fiyero has to talk to me about something very important, so you have to leave," Avaric continued.

"Why?" Boq moaned.

"Because I'm taller than you," Avaric and Fiyero explained simultaneously, superiorly and irritably, respectively.

Grumbling, Boq reluctantly stood up and trudged out, carrying his book preciously.

"Okay, now, spill," Avaric invited. "And not literally this time- wait, that was Tibbett, wasn't it?" Not waiting for an answer, he shrugged, plopping back into the armchair.

Fiyero glared at him for some reason before carefully stating, "Remember what I told you last night?"

Avaric squinted. "About trinomials?"

Fiyero sighed impatiently. "About Elphaba."

"She's not a tree," Avaric nodded, smirking.

"Okay, even I'm not that dumb," Fiyero stated. "Be serious like you pretended to be yesterday, or I'll leave."

"I already explained to you that I am serious about dating Elphaba, so if that's all you're after, you can just…"

Fiyero simply ignored Avaric and continued, "I've been thinking about what I said yesterday- and, please, no more jokes about me not being able to think…"

"That's alright, because they're not jokes," Avaric interjected.

Glaring, Fiyero went on, "I'm pretty sure they- Elphaba the Artichoke and Bruce the Brute- just broke up. Over something ridiculous too, like their names on the marriage certificate."

"Really?" Avaric questioned eagerly, nearly toppling off of his seat.

"Please, don't start that again," Fiyero begged. "Anyway, so, Elphaba's dateless for the party on Saturday, and in fact, I think she may even have a crush on you…"

"Really?" Avaric squealed, a kid in a candy shop. Fiyero glared as Avaric covered his mouth.

"Or maybe she wanted to crush you literally," he warned. "Still recovering from her failed romance, asking her out might be… complicated. You'll have to make it so she can't possibly refuse. And if you say 'Really,' I'll kill you."

Avaric rolled his eyes. "_Really_."

"I hear a kiss helps," Fiyero finished, grinning wickedly.

"Really," Avaric commented, smirking up at Fiyero, who was chose to ignore Avaric's word choice. The thought occurred to Avaric that Fiyero might be telling him this for some purpose other than to please Avaric. As friendly as they sometimes were, they weren't knit as closely as everyone seemed to think. Sometimes, Avaric wondered what went on, if anything, in that closed mind of Fiyero's.

And sometimes, he suspected the very same thoughts occupied both of their minds. Avaric wasn't sure whether to be pleased or scared.

"Well, I suppose I should ask her," Avaric stated, his eyes not leaving Fiyero's.

"Perhaps soon," Fiyero suggested. "And remember, take it easy, but insist on a date, you know, to try things out."

"Fiyero, I've been dating longer than my father has," Avaric replied playfully, his mind racing. "I think I'm capable."

Fiyero nodded, and they stood- or rather, Fiyero stood, Avaric sat- awkwardly, staring at each other.

"Well?" Avaric finally broke the silence. "Done bringing the good news across Oz?"

Fiyero shrugged nonchalantly. "I suppose so."

"Great," Avaric said. "Now go away so I can-" He winced. "-study."

Fiyero frowned. "You're studying?"

"Why else would I be caught in here?" Avaric questioned. "Honestly, I didn't expect to be caught."

"Caught doing what?" Fiyero questioned. Avaric could tell he was struggling to look casual.

"Caught studying," Avaric repeated carefully.

"Why?"

"For midterm exams."

"But, why now?" Fiyero pressed.

"Because they're in less than a week," Avaric answered, pretending to misinterpret the question.

"No, I mean, you've probably never studied in your life before, why start now?"

"I'd think the answer would be obvious," Avaric replied. His tone deepened, and he tried to remain impartial as he added, "Elphaba."

He watched Fiyero stiffen, then relax. "Of course."

A bit puzzled at Fiyero's reaction, Avaric nodded absent-mindedly.

"I should go," Fiyero announced awkwardly, "so you can study." With that, he departed. Avaric watched him go, noticing a slight change in his stride, now with a much less natural stance and quicker pace.

"You should," Avaric agreed when the prince was gone. "So I can-" He reopened his book. "-study."

He hadn't specified what. Fiyero really should have asked.

For the first time, Elphaba felt… wicked.

She convinced herself it was guilt that prompted her to let Fiyero find her.

"Do you know what I had to go through to find you?" he whined. "Ten minutes. Ten straight," and for some reason, he blushed, "minutes of talking to Boq."

Then again, guilt was overrated.

Before she could find a callous retort, he switched personalities (as seemed to happen quite often with him), and knelt on the ground.

On one knee. "Oh, no…"

"Please," he rolled his eyes before assuming his sincere persona. "I just wanted to apologize."

Fiyero? Apologize? Not only was the concept unheard of but also seemingly unnecessary. He wasn't the one who had just sold her out (unless you counted the literal meaning). "For?"

"For… kissing you." His eyes flickered away. Then, mortified as he realized his terrible phrasing, they snapped back. "I mean, not for kissing you, for…"

"Kissing me?" Elphaba drawled.

"Well, yeah." He frowned. "No, not for kissing you, for… this!" He waved his hands around.

Elphaba raised her eyebrows skeptically. "For oxygen?"

He glared. "Careful, I'm not _that _sorry." From his eyes though, she wondered if he was. Despite having walked a day in his shoes, she still had no idea what he was thinking- or, more importantly, what he had been thinking.

Fiyero stood awkwardly. "Look, we should go…"

"Fiyero." He looked up, suddenly noticing her staring. Either because he had inherited her sarcasm or because he was just being his usual smartass self, he glanced over his shoulder. In both directions. "Does my name sound that good?"

She sighed. "Why did you kiss me?"

How could he smile at that memory? Yet somehow he was- maybe smiles didn't clash so much on. But, as always, instead of answering her question, he only left her with more. "Why did you kiss me back?"

He walked away. For once- for better or for worse- she followed.

**

* * *

Okay, not my best. I think I may have bored myself with it. But still, Elpharic and Fiyeraba in the same chapter, and Gloq with a sprinkle of Flinda in the last chapter and mentions of Bessa. Review worthy, or what?**


	13. Under the Weather

**Disclaimer: **If wishes were horses… then we'd be eating steak. Even the quote isn't mine- it belongs to Jayne Cobb, who belongs to the genius Joss Whedon.

**Notes: **Well, this took longer than expected to write. Sorry about that. I can't even use the school excuse this time- I was just being lazy (which, for me, is sitting back and writing forty pages of my original novel in a few days). But I'm back for now. No idea when the next update will be, but with encouragement AKA people nagging me in reviews, it'll hopefully be soon(ish).

"Well," Morrible stated emotionlessly, though in truth, the meeting had only just started and it was in no way going "well" at all. So she must be using well as an interjection. They could really use an interjection right now. Say, an earthquake that swallowed half of Oz, and Morrible with it. Heck, he'd even settled for being swallowed by the earthquake, so long as Morrible didn't go with him. "This is a thoroughly unique situation."

"I'd say," Fiyero agreed humorously. Of course, as per Elphaba's orders, he wasn't supposed to say anything. Or move. Or breathe. Judging by the last, he figured she was being sarcastic.

"Don't you always." See? Sarcasm. Paired with the glare of death and a characteristic scowl- god, either he was narcissistic, or she was hot. Would it be awkward if he asked himself out? God, he'd never thought he'd have to resort to asking himself out on a date. And he never thought he'd have to fear refusal, much less his imminent death.

Crap. Morrible was looking at him. Uncanny images of stalker Morrible crept into his mind, invoking shivers down his spine. Why couldn't Elphaba have edited out certain details, as he had? It would have made her story a heck of a lot more aesthetically pleasing and shorter to top it off."Um… is it just me, or is it hot in here?" He giggled nervously, as girls were ought to do. Elphaba was glaring him again. Cold, he had meant cold! She was the hot one, she…

Was, according to girlish gossip, having a secret affair with Galinda. He shook his head internally. Blondes. And to think he'd heard the rumor from Galinda herself. Then again, it would be much easier to dump her if she were having an affair with Elphaba, present situation aside…

And to add to all that, he had been finding himself thinking a bit lately…

"As I was saying," Morrible drawled on, and Fiyero's excuse of a brain perked up. The spark notes version! He'd never understood why teachers bothered to lecture in the first place if they were just going to summarize themselves in an actually comprehensive matter at the end. "I find it… odd to be entertaining my best student and my worst simultaneously."

Fiyero's eyes widened. "Wait a sec, you invited Avaric to this?"

"No, she invited me," Elphaba grit.

"I'm not _that _stupid, I was standing right… oh." He trailed off, realizing the implication. "Um, did you know I have an amoeba?"

"In Life Science class?" Elphaba interjected. "They're studying unicellular organisms; I relate to them well."

He supposed that was supposed to be an insult, since he couldn't understand it.

"Yes, I did hear about that particular instance…" Morrible cleared her throat.

"Instance?" Elphaba eyed him suspiciously.

"Uh… fifth amendment?" Fiyero tried.

xXx

"_What are you doing?"_

"_Dancing through life."_

"…_science?"_

xXx

"Well, we were kinda working with, uh, bleach, and someone tried to bleach my skin to see if it would turn white, and the smell kinda made me high…"

Elphaba shook her head. "Bleach is toxic."

"Don't worry, I washed it off," Fiyero waved off confidently. With a paranoid glance at Morrible, he added, "But don't touch me."

He could read Elphaba's eyes: _Only you would take dancing through life science literally. _Still, he got the feeling he'd made her laugh internally, at least. Even if it was at his stupidity. To his defense, Galinda _had _told him to loosen up and practice his "moves…"

"I'm glad to see you've recovered." Morrible cleared her throat, rolling her eyes ever so slightly towards Elphaba. "As I have, mainly."

"Oh, keep in mind that I'm still stupid." Belatedly, he clarified, "Because the bleach made me high."

"You were sick, headmistress?" Elphaba inquired politely.

"I was not the sick one, Master Fiyero," Morrible stated coldly. She cleared her throat. "Just… under the weather." She glared suspiciously at Elphaba while she spoke before turning to Fiyero and sporting a mysterious grin that made Fiyero wonder if she was bipolar. "I received a letter today concerning you, Miss Elphaba."

"Me?" Fiyero squeaked.

"Is there another Elphaba in the room?" Elphaba glared. Obviously, she wasn't talking spiritually.

Meanwhile, Morrible withdrew the letter. Being anxious, Fiyero blurted the first thing that came to his mind. "It has a green wax seal!" Elphaba seemed speechless- he figured she was waiting for him to elaborate past the, in this instance, literal "green" statement and onto the "yellow" reason statements. "Hey, it looks a lot like the Wizard's Seal!" An eye roll, so he went onto the "pink" slips. "Not that I'd know what the Wizard's Seal would look like, because he has totally never sent me birthday checks."

"It looks like the Wizard's Seal because it is the Wizard's Seal." Elphaba's voice had lost all hints of arrogant irritation and had adopted a disbelieving manner. Fiyero was likewise shocked doubly- at Elphaba's sudden change in attitude and at the cause behind it.

"I didn't mean to be born," he murmured meekly. Why would the Wizard want to do with Elphaba? He couldn't possible know how special she was… maybe word had gotten out the she was green! Maybe he suspected she was a snake in disguise or something…

Right. Well, maybe half-snake. Unless he was discriminating against vegetables now; to his defense, Fiyero had tried the same case with his mother when he was five and didn't want to eat his broccoli…

"The Wizard has requested an audience with you," Morrible announced proudly.

"Just because my skin is green doesn't mean I'm an animal!" Fiyero stood up forcefully, knocking his chair to the ground. "I refuse to accept discrimination based on…"

"Shut up." Surprised, Fiyero found Elphaba staring at the letter dreamily, all color faded from her cheeks.

"You're happy he's convicting me of whatever he's convicting me of?"

"She's in shock," Elphaba told Morrible.

"Understandably."

"I'm lost," Fiyero declared, sinking back down into his chair. "And evidently electrical!"

To his discomfort, Elphaba didn't even turn that into a smart remark. "Don't you remember what you were telling me about before? About the headmistress writing to the Wizard about you? I know, you assumed he'd ignore a little green girl like you- but, he didn't! He- he wants to meet you! To change your world, to take you away from this miserable wasteland!"

"…oh…"

"Oh?"

"_Oh._"

"You're supposed to be happy!" Elphaba whimpered desperately.

"And you're supposed to be patriotic," Morrible interjected, glaring at the girl. "Shiz is _not _a miserable wasteland; it's fools like you who make it so miserable for the rest of us." She gestured to Fiyero, not enjoying this encounter any bit. "Give the girl a break. Can't you see she's still taking in the information?"

"Obviously," Elphaba sniffed, though even her snide façade couldn't hide her hurt.

"Wait, why does the Wizard want to see me?"

"Your magic, duh!" Elphaba cried.

"Oh." That word again- and laced with disappointment. Elphaba was looking at him for explanation, and of course, he always spoke what he felt. "So he doesn't want to see you, just your magic."

Her expression twisted for a moment, and Fiyero winced for the coming blow.

Especially since he hadn't expected it to be literal.

_He always spoke what he felt. _"Ouch."

"Master Fiyero!" Morrible exclaimed, but it made no difference to Elphaba.

"You idiot," she breathed, softly enough so that Morrible couldn't hear. "This is my future we're talking about. It's all I have."

_My future too, _Fiyero thought, but he settled with a simple, "You have me."

Her frown deepened, and she whispered icily, "I know."

"I know" could mean a lot of things. It could mean "I love you," if Harrison Ford was saying it. But he wasn't Harrison Ford; he wasn't even her Harrison Ford. "I know" was only a fact to her, part of some science he'd never comprehend.

All he knew was that the science wasn't chemistry (or human biology); and she was deep in the process of trying to disprove his theory. "I know," to her, meant, "not for long."

That's how he claimed to like them the best, right? He considered his life as Morrible chastised Elphaba for her outburst of "jealousy." He could only come up with one word: dancing. It was all he was good at, after all, and he only did what he was good at.

His life wasn't the only life he was dancing through. It hadn't been for a long time.

xXx

"You can leave." It was practically the only thing Morrible and she seemed to agree on- Fiyero's imminent departure from the room. It didn't, however, appear to be the only thing she and Fiyero disagreed on.

"Yeah, but can I may leave?" he tried nonsensically.

"…you may leave," Morrible corrected dismissively.

He folded his arms. "Well, it's December, not May."

Glaring appeared to have little effect on the prince, so Elphaba could only imagine what chivalry might do. To test her theory, she pulled out his chair for him- from underneath him, that is. Predictably, he toppled to the floor, making as much noise as he could. "Ouch!" He glanced up at Elphaba. "Sorry."

"For what?" Elphaba snapped.

He opened his mouth but, glancing at Morrible, decided better of it. "Leaving?"

"Good." He limped his way out of the room, and Elphaba sighed in relief- until she turned, coming face to face with a furious Morrible.

"Now to deal with you, Master Fiyero," she snarled. "Of course, I won't have to much longer once they hear what you've done." She leaned in closer. "And you know what that is."

The only appropriate guess was a hoarse "what?"

"You slept with me."

She stared at the headmistress for a moment before plastering a fake smile on her face. "You learned how to joke!" That was the only rational response, after all.

Unfortunately, the situation was not rational at all. "You wouldn't remember. You were drunk." She smiled apologetically. "Good thing you're not underage, otherwise the charges may be worse than expulsion."

"You're serious?" Elphaba squeaked. "You tried to seduce me!"

"You drugged me!" Morrible snapped. "Slipped a love potion in my warm milk while you were out traipsing the grounds!"

"I did not!" Elphaba cried, fuming. "And I was not traipsing!"

"True," Morrible relented. "You had a purpose. A nefarious purpose!"

"Well, to me, reading term papers is nefarious!"

Morrible slammed her hands down on her desk, her catlike eyes inches from Elphaba's. "You drugged me so that you could seduce me."

"To prove my antidrug status, I'm going to follow the activists' advice and JUST SAY NO!" Elphaba folded her arms. "And yes, don't laugh, I have read a poster. Now, if you're finished with me…" Elphaba stood out.

"Don't you dare walk out, mister, or you're expelled."

Automatically, Elphaba sat back down.

Morrible seemed surprised. "Well. That was rather uncharacteristic."

"You know what's really uncharacteristic?" Elphaba countered. "A headmistress breaking her own rules!"

"I was incapacitated!" Morrible snapped. "Being an eminent and dignified lady, I would_ never _lower myself to your standards if I had a say in the matter."

Elphaba threw up her arms. "Finally! Something I can sympathize with!"

"No one will sympathize with you," Morrible hissed. "You're just a delinquent; if all goes to plan, I'll be the Wizard's press secretary within a year!"

"Yeah, well I'm a rich, occasionally white prince!" Elphaba shouted.

"Um," a timid voice came from the doorway. Elphaba glanced behind her and was hardly surprised to see herself. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but being a minority, I'm particularly educated in racist remarks, and…"

"You're correct, Miss Elphaba, his racist statement was entirely inappropriate."

"Except, he's right," Fiyero muttered. Elphaba wasn't sure whether to kill him for being sexually prejudiced or hug him for simply distracting Morrible. "Rich white men rule the world." He spared a glance at Elphaba. "In his case, literally."

Morrible's jaw dropped open, and in case words were about to spill out, Fiyero hastily continued, "And, besides, being smart, I can prove he's innocent."

"And how might you do that?" the headmistress hissed.

"Um, with facts?" Fiyero tried. Morrible waited. "Wait, I actually have to prove him innocent? I can't just, you know, be smart enough to go to law school?"

Morrible's lips twisted into a wicked smile. "You may leave, Miss Elphaba."

"Wait, wait," he listed, having an epiphany. "I'm smart, that's it!" He paced around the room in imitation of a lawyer. "He couldn't have done it because he's not smart enough."

"While that's a fact, it's not evidence."

"No, it is. He's not smart enough to have brewed a love potion himself, so where would he have gotten one?"

As if her day had just improved vastly, Morrible beamed. "You tell me, Miss Elphaba."

Fiyero's face fell, and Elphaba's fist clenched as both of them realized he had only incriminated her more so in both regards. Simultaneously, they glanced at each other, realizing the true guilty party as they answered Morrible's question. "Avaric…"

xXx

In his dreams, he had been sleeping with her, so he wasn't terribly surprised when she woke him up. "Elphaba…"

"Do I look green?" Fiyero demanded from above him. Avaric straightened up, knocking down the book he had been paging through, which, from his snooze, had been perched over his head.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed.

"What are _you _doing here?" Fiyero demanded. "One, the library's a reputation death trap, and two, it's closed." As Avaric opened his mouth, Fiyero rushed on, "Never mind. I just wanted to tell you that we'll have to cancel your potental upcoming date with Elphaba due to you getting her expelled."

"You know, I have to admit it, sometimes you are funny…"

Fiyero withdrew an empty bottle from his pocket. "This look familiar?"

Avaric frowned. "It's not alcohol, so no."

In response, Fiyero slapped him. "That's for being an alcoholic bum." Another slapped. "And that's for being stupid." After a moment of thought, he slapped him again. "And that's for being born in the first place!"

Avaric stared dumbly for a second. "What was that for?"

"I just told you idiot!" Fiyero threw her arms up. "And, to top it all off, you got me expelled too!"

"So why aren't you thanking me, and what's a bottle got to do with it?" The only possible explanation Avaric could conjure was that Fiyero had been playing spin the bottle and had kissed the wrong girl- say, Madame Morrible herself.

"This bottle used to hold a certain potion Elphaba brewed during her seminars with Madame Morrible," Fiyero explained forcefully, "meant to be used for education merit." He glared. "Not used _on _educational merit."

"What'd she do, make herself narcissistic?"

"She doesn't particularly need help doing that right now," Fiyero sniffed before his eyes lit up. "Aha! So you know it's a love potion!"

"Wait a sec, that's a love potion? Lemme see." He grabbed the bottle, his face whitening. "Oh my god, Fiyero, I used this on Morrible last night!"

"Duh!"

"I thought it was vinegar! I just wanted to see her gag." Avaric fell back in his chair. "Well, that certainly explains her amorous reaction. And here I thought she just liked vinegar."

Fiyero wrinkled his nose. "She probably does." He straightened. "So you admit to using this on Morrible?"

"Yeah." Avaric shrugged. "Don't worry, she didn't catch me."

"Because she caught _me_." Fiyero glared. "And Elphaba."

"But you didn't do it," Avaric stated, confused.

"Exactly."

He folded his arms. "So you're safe."

"Morrible thinks we did." Fiyero leaned against a table. "I suppose it's a waste of time to tell you that the mind is a powerful tool."

"That's silly," Avaric chided. "Why would Elphaba go into construction?"

"Well, she might have to, with a college degree," Fiyero stressed, glaring at him.

Avaric fell silent. "She really got expelled?"

Fiyero nodded. It figured his greatest dreaming (getting Fiyero expelled) was mutually exclusive with his worst nightmare (which, technically, was getting trapped in a pit full of snakes, but in this case, Elphaba's expulsion could be substituted). "So, Avaric, what are you going to do to fix this situation?"

"Write a letter to the vinegar company complaining that their labels are too confusing?"

"You'd be better off writing a letter home complaining that your inherited genes are hugely dyslexic."

"I could incriminate Galinda," Avaric suggested, in his opinion, ingeniously. "She's a sorceress too."

"Galinda is my girlfriend," Fiyero grit, as if he were unhappy about the fact.

"I don't see how that is relevant to the investigation."

"It's relevant in the way that you'll become evidence in a homicide investigation after I kill you for implicating her."

"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Avaric cried. "Send her flowers?"

"Oh, sure, rub the skin thing in, would you?"

"Kneel in front of the guillotine for her?" When Fiyero didn't interrupt, he realized the obvious, chivalrous, and therefore not obvious at all, solution. "You want me to take the blame?"

"I don't want you to take the blame," Fiyero snapped. "I want you to admit the blame!"

"But then _I'll _be expelled and have to go into construction," Avaric complained.

"I hear they're recruiting for the Yellow Brick Road project."

"Oh, sure, Elphaba would be impressed by that," Avaric pouted.

Fiyero's face softened. "She might be. That you were willing to change for her."

To his credit, that _did _sound impressive. Then again, so did jumping off a plane and somehow surviving, and that was plain stupid. And he was stupid, alright. To make it worse, he kinda liked himself the way he was, minus the hangovers and lack of a steady, green girlfriend.

An idea dawned on him. Maybe he didn't have to change to prove her innocence. "No, there's another way."

"If you suggest recruiting a defense lawyer, I swear, I'll…"

Avaric pulled out his mini-camera. "There's this."

Fiyero folded his arms. "Morrible is _not _going to be swayed by half-naked girls flailing themselves around and screaming."

"Not that," Avaric scowled, flipping through the settings. "Yes, this is perfect… for us, that is."

"What's perfect?" Fiyero questioned, trying to peek over Avaric's shoulder. Avaric snapped the camera off.

"There's a timestamp for every recording," he explained. "If we could prove Elphaba was in a certain place that's not the scene of the crime when the crime occurred, then she's off the hook."

"What about me?" Fiyero demanded.

"Same for you."

"Do you have a video recording when the crime took place?" Fiyero demanded.

"Yes."

"How could you, if you committed the crime?"

"I doped the headmistress's milk, half on accident. That's hardly a crime."

"Animals have been arrested for breathing too loudly," Fiyero countered sternly.

"Whatever. I don't have a recording at the right time for Elphaba and you, but I have one that should convince Morrible not to press charges."

"What is it?" Fiyero demanded.

Avaric smiled. "Blackmail."

"That's not very noble," Fiyero pouted.

"If Elphaba wanted someone noble, she'd have slept with you by now," Avaric said irritably. Fiyero seemed to wrinkle his nose at the prospect, which only heightened his anger. "Obviously, she's not looking for someone noble. She's looking for someone…" Avaric trailed off, considering the options. What did Elphaba want? Someone smart? No, Boq was low enough on the social ladder that even Elphaba could seduce him without a problem. What else did she value?

Or maybe he was asking the wrong question. What didn't she have? "Someone who cares about her," he stated firmly. "Someone who will gladly be bossed around- don't laugh, she'd be a great leader! Someone who smiles at her, who she can smile at." He grinned. "Someone _me_."

"Cocky," Fiyero muttered, but he seemed secretly amused.

"Hey, we're perfect foils," Avaric defended.

"You think she wants someone different than her?"

"Trust me," Avaric replied with certainty, "there's no one like her in the world."

"Of course," Fiyero sounded softly. "The skin."

"Not the skin! Anyone can dye their skin green, if they wanted." Avaric laughed. "But I don't think anyone could replicate the perfect Elphaba glare when she's hot and furious. Or the biting sarcasm." He paused. "Or even the fashion sense, come to think of it. Did you see how she pulled off Galinda's wardrobe today? No one can do that, not even Galinda herself."

"They're just clothes," Fiyero scoffed.

"Yeah. But they bring out what's underneath them." Fiyero frowned at the double meaning. "Okay, I did not mean it that way! I meant they brought out her personality."

Fiyero glanced at him desperately. "She looked that bad?"

Avaric rolled his eyes. "I don't think anyone knows her true personality. She tries so hard to hide it."

"For a reason," Fiyero grumbled.

Avaric pounded his fist against the armchair. "Dude, what is up with you? First, you're ubber-possessive of her, and now you're treating her like crap!" He glared. "Is that how you treat all your girlfriends? Like property?"

Fiyero looked taken aback. "I'm sure you're one to talk."

"Yeah, I've laid with women," Avaric shot back. "Lots of them. But at least I treat them decently! At least I'm honest with them upfront instead of twisting their hearts. Look what you've done to Galinda! You say you love her, yet you've been so distant!"

"Maybe I had a bad day," Fiyero sniffed. "Scratch that. I _did_ have a bad day."

"Not just today. All week. All month, even. She's like a jacket."

"A jacket?" Fiyero raised his eyebrows skeptically.

"All shiny and new when you buy it, but eventually, after being worn so many times, it gets old to you, but still you can't donate it to the poor because you've got it engrained in your head that it's your coat." He stood up. "Wake up, Fiyero." And because he couldn't resist, "Or go back to sleep. It's what you do best." He started away, only to be stopped by the prince's call.

"Wait." It wasn't angry, or even upset, just… contemplative- a word that should never, ever be used to describe the prince unless under extreme circumstances, such as _never_. Fiyero eyed Avaric carefully. "You said Elphaba wasn't like anyone else. Is that a good thing?"

"'Course," Avaric declared. "There are a million me's in the world; you're a me most of the time, except without the brains."

"Now that's scary," Fiyero agreed.

"A you with brains? Definitely." Though, come to think of it, Fiyero's vocabulary had seemed to have exploded overnight. One trip to library, and he'd come back a changed man. Maybe that's why everyone avoided libraries.

"Okay, well…" Fiyero trailed off awkwardly. "You promise you'll sway Morrible?"

"Heck, I could probably get her to sleep with me with this stuff! Not that I would," he added hastily.

Fiyero nodded absent-mindedly. "I'll just be going then…"

"Are you sure you're okay?" The question even surprised Avaric. Fiyero simply nodded. "Is it the amnesia?"

"Um, yeah, amnesia," Fiyero muttered, his eyes flickering to the floor. "Wait, what's that?" Bending down, he withdrew a necklace hidden in the shadows by a bookshelf.

Avaric peered at it curiously. It wasn't pretty at all, not anything Galinda would wear. Rather, the charm it held was rough, hand carved from some stone material. It dangled from the black velvet string possessively, so it was only appropriate that it was a snake. Typical. He'd always considered Fiyero a snake for those very traits. "From the catfight, perhaps?"

"No, it's mine…" Avaric's mouth dropped open. Hastily, Fiyero corrected himself, "I mean, it was mine, before I gave it to Galinda…" He looked like he wanted to say more, but he pocketed that as he pocketed the necklace. "I'll have to return it to her."

"Good." The word came out too fast. Avaric coughed. "I notice you've been spending a lot of time with Elphaba lately."

Fiyero glared- perhaps someone could replicate the Elphaba glare after all. "Is that all you think about?"

Avaric shrugged. "At least I can think."

"Yes, well, if you count getting expelled by Morrible together spending time together…"

"Got it," Avaric interrupted. He waved the prince off. "Go nurse your amnesia or something."

Fiyero nodded and exited hastily, as if the library was a toxic wasteland. More likely, in his mind, Avaric was the wasteland. And, in Avaric's mind, the library was merely toxic- poisonously addictive. He didn't like reading anymore than he did before, but Elphaba would be proud of him, at least. For more than just reading.

He'd finally prove himself to her. Prove he was better than Fiyero, at least, which really shouldn't be as hard as it had been over the years. To many, he and Fiyero were the same, only women seemed to prefer Fiyero because he was more faithful. And yet, he was so much less reliable.

The difference between Avaric and Fiyero was that Avaric sought the truth; and Fiyero was a liar.

**

* * *

Fifteen pages of drama. There. That should make up for the long wait. And still earn a review?**


	14. Step Impossible

**Disclaimer: **Hmmm… if I claimed to own Wicked, would I get free tickets?

**Notes: **Obviously, my biweekly schedule has failed. On the bright side, I've had time to think the plot over, so hopefully future chapters will be composed of more than just banter. When I _finally _motivate myself to write them, that is. I don't know really about this one. I forced myself to write it when I was uninspired, so it kinda jumps all over, since I had no idea what I was trying to do… well, it's long, at least! Reviews are appreciated!

On another note, Anne Brummel (current Stand-By Elphaba) is FANTASTIC! When I saw it awhile ago, at first I was disappointed that I wasn't going to see Vicki Noon, but now I'm glad, because Brummel gave everything she had. Look her up, I could not believe her "No Good Deed" when I heard it! Made me wish I was illegally recording the performance. Anyway, back to my own Wicked world…

xXx

"You are psychotic!" Fiyero laughed loudly, raising his hand for a high five. Noticing Elphaba's dubious expression, he lowered it. "Wow. Avaric actually bought it without us having to resort to a strip show?"

"What, am I that bad of a liar?" Elphaba sniffed.

"No, it's just you'd have to be an idiot to think Morrible would expel her star student!"

Elphaba raised her eyebrow. "So you think she expelled me?"

"Walked right into that one," he whistled, snapping his fingers. "Granted, cleaning latrines for a month…"

"Nothing I haven't done before," Elphaba muttered. She wasn't terribly eager to be nostalgic, but Morrible lurking over her shoulder couldn't be worse than Frex, right? Avaric lurking over her shoulder, now that was another entity in itself, one Fiyero would have to face, thank God…

Thankfully, the darkness was surrounded in now was only literal, and she was glad for it. Fiyero could never _ever _see through the darkness. She wouldn't let him. "What?" she snapped as he continued to stare. "You've never heard of chores?"

"Oh, well," he cleared his throat. "Maids." He frowned. "You're the governor's daughter, didn't you have them?"

_They had me_, she wanted to say. Instead she said, "My father believes in discipline." Which was just as painfully true.

"So does my father," Fiyero remarked lightly. "He sent me to school."

Even she couldn't help herself from smirking. If only they'd changed places earlier, when it had been her dream to be sent away to school and his to waste time. Of course, he probably hadn't meant the noun form of waste…

"Is that a smile?" Fiyero teased.

Elphaba straightened. "No."

"That's a smile!" he declared proudly.

"Damn!"

Fiyero rolled his eyes at her alarmed reaction. "Come on, smiling's not that bad…"

"No, no!" Elphaba stared in horror at the approaching figure, watching the blonde curls bob up and down, beacons in the night. "Galinda!"

"Oh." Fiyero frowned. "She's not that bad either."

"I know." Elphaba ducked behind a bush. Confused, Fiyero followed. "She's too good to be fooled by the 'Elphaba was tutoring me in astronomy, which I don't even take' excuse."

"Or, 'I was walking home from the library and he was too drunk to find his dorm?'"

"You're in library?" Elphaba squealed. "But I'm supposed to be in the library!"

"No, I told her _I _was going to the library, you were going to find Avaric."

"Who's in the library!"

"True." Fiyero frowned. "That's rather uncharacteristic." His eyes lit up. "Hey, maybe he and Boq had a body swap! That'd make it a hell of a lot easier for me to set Boq up with Galinda…"

"No, it wouldn't," Elphaba argued, disgusted. "It'd just mean both Avaric and Boq were secretly gay."

"Yeah." Fiyero frowned, deep in shallow thoughts. "If they did switch, maybe we could confide in Avaric and prevent him from asking me out… or would that be Boq asking me out?"

"No," Elphaba scoffed. "Boq and Avaric did _not _swap bodies."

"Why not?"

"Because Avaric is not gay!"

"Well, Boq might be!"

"He stalks Galinda!"

"I stalked Galinda!"

"You're not gay!"

"I know!"

"Except for the white pants!"

"What do my pants- stop using exclamation points!"

"Hypocrite!"

"Galinda!"

"What's she got to do with your sexuality?" Fiyero started to open his mouth, but Elphaba ran right over him. "Please don't answer that! And that was a question mark!"

"What are you doing?" The blonde's voice rang through the air. Turning, Elphaba found Galinda's gaze flickering between the two of them, both of whom moved away from each other as quickly as possible.

"Um, well," Fiyero began. "We were arguing about who was in the library, and then we got into a heated discussion about… um… hey, white pants are not gay!"

"You?" Galinda squealed disbelievingly. "Arguing about fashion?"

"Um, yes?" Fiyero tried.

"…who are you and what have you done with Elphaba?"

"Nothing," Fiyero answered automatically. "I mean, not with her. Why would I be with her? I mean- I am Elphaba!"

"Took you a while to figure that out," Elphaba grumbled inaudibly.

"Don't worry, she can stay abducted," Galinda giggled.

"So," Fiyero stated after a bout of silence. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for Avaric," Galinda answered.

"Coincidence!" Fiyero declared. "So was Fiyero!"

"Yeah, Avaric's in the library," Elphaba filled in.

"Like I was," Fiyero added.

Galinda whistled. "Did anything… you know, between…?"

"No," both Elphaba and Fiyero shouted automatically.

"We were just there," Fiyero continued.

"Together, coincidentally."

"But not together," Fiyero rushed to clarify. "Because we're not… yeah, we're just sending each other meaningful glances…"

"And who kisses in libraries anyway?"

"Yeah, libraries are for, um," he blurted the first thing that came to mind, "sex!"

Elphaba stared at him, horrified. "Perv!"

"You had sex with Avaric?" Galinda exclaimed.

"With Ava… oh, we were talking about… um, no, no sex… and we didn't… talk, that is… he… can someone interrupt me?" Fiyero demanded.

"Yeah," Elphaba said sarcastically, glaring at him, "does anyone have duct tape I could borrow?"

Galinda simply stared. "Okay…"

"I'm going to go shower," Fiyero blurted. He must have seen Elphaba's venemous expression because he amended it. "Galinda, where do you keep your swim suits?"

"Lowest drawer to the left," Galinda answered, confused.

"Okay, thanks!" Before anyone could stop him, he ran, as if for his life.

Galinda stared after him. "I really don't get her…"

This time, Elphaba suspected, it wasn't due to supreme intelligence. "Well, if you don't try, you never look foolish," she advised. Who'd have ever thought she'd be quoting Fiyero? Then again, following it was working just fine for her.

Galinda giggled. Wordlessly, she leaned in for a kiss.

"Gah!" Elphaba cried, falling back and landing heavily on the ground. Hurt, Galinda stared down at her. "Um, I mean, God?" Galinda's expression didn't change. "Yes, God. God is watching. And we can't kiss in front of God."

"But God's everywhere," Galinda noted, helping Elphaba up.

"Exactly," Elphaba grumbled.

"And neither of us even worship God!"

"Um…" Elphaba searched around for some excuse. She found one in her pocket. "I found it!"

"Found what?"

"Your necklace," she explained, retrieving the snake necklace from her pocket. Galinda's nose wrinkled slightly. Of course, Fiyero wouldn't know Galinda had given his precious gift to Elphaba the moment he'd walked out of the room. And now she was handing it right back down the line. "It was in the library."

"Um, yeah, thanks," Galinda said, taking the necklace. "What were you doing in the library?"

"What was Avaric?" Elphaba countered. "I was only… discussing a matter with him."

"Right," Galinda replied. "I'm discussing too."

They stared at each other for a second, and for the first time in forever, neither seemed to know how to break the silence.

"I should go," Elphaba said finally, turning away before the blonde could protest. She had truth on her side, at least. She really should go, before someone else got hurt.

Someone else like her.

xXx

_I should go._

His words left her emptier than they should have. Fiyero had been so clingy before, clamping himself on her tighter than the pants on his legs, if that was possible. (While Elphie had made a noble attempt, she was wrong: the white pants _were _gay.)

She supposed Fiyero was probably saving his antics for the dance. Galinda forced a smile. Of course, he'd always been good at dancing through lives. She was getting better, too.

She found Avaric seated in the unpopulars' popular corner. Upon seeing her, his eyes widened, and he leapt up from his chair. They both spoke at once. "Can you ask Elphaba out for me?"

He raised his eyebrows, and she realized that had come out a bit wrong. "As a favor," she added, just as he was saying the same words. She matched his frown. "Wait, you want to go out with her?"

Avaric nodded, and Galinda squealed. "She wants to go out with you!" Unfortunately, Avaric was in the process of squeaking incredulously, "She wants to go out with _you_?"

They both frowned, putting their hands on their hips. "And would you quit it? I said, quit it!"

Irritated at this "copy everything I say" reaction that was becoming, as everything she demonstrated, a trend, Galinda stuffed her fist in Avaric's mouth. "I want to you ask Elphaba out."

"Are you kidding?" came his drooled response.

She rolled her eyes, losing any hope she'd walked in with. "Okay, Elphaba is _not _how everyone makes her out to be…"

"I know," Avaric interrupted, shoving her hand away. After a gag, he clarified, "Actually, I was going to ask you if you would help me ask her out."

"Really?" Galinda's eyes widened. "You like her?"

"Yeah." Avaric frowned, studying her carefully. "Do you?"

"Of course I do!" Galinda snapped. "But not that way," she added quickly to ease his desperate expression.

He sighed, lifting himself on a table. "What does she like?"

"Well, she likes you," Galinda stated, joining him.

"Yeah, right," Avaric muttered, perching his head on his fist.

"No, really, she told me so."

"Really?"

"She seemed a bit surprised that she liked you, but Elphie doesn't lie." Avaric smirked, so Galinda smacked him. "I know what you're thinking!"

He shrugged it off. "This makes things so much easier…" He frowned. "But she's still gonna refuse. She's got a reputation to maintain, you know."

Galinda smiled. "Well, then, we'll have to make her an offer she simply can't refuse."

"Fiyero said the same thing," Avaric mused.

"He's trying to set you two up too?"

"I guess so," Avaric replied. "Really, I have no idea why…"

"If you don't try, you never look foolish," Galinda quoted. It was the one part of his philosophy that worked: don't try to change, and things will always be as they were, happy.

Avaric scoffed. "If you don't try, you're always going to be a fool." He studied her. "Be careful with him; there's something up."

"The sky," Galinda sniffed.

"Then be ever more careful," he stated, and she was taken aback by his seriousness. "The sky is falling."

Galinda scoffed. "That's for chickens."

"They don't call it falling in love for no reason," he shrugged, before putting on a grin and returning to their previous brainstorming.

She put on an act and designed a less than brilliant scheme. Thank god it wasn't her heart that was in it. She'd never be able to focus, not with an equally throbbing brain. It was no wonder Fiyero gave his up. Maybe he was smart enough to know not to think.

She noticed Avaric staring at her throughout the session. He knew she was thinking, and for some reason, he was smiling.

His words left her emptier than they should have.

_I should go._

xXx

Sometimes, Galinda had heard once, people were layered. No, not like cakes, her lecturer had had to clarify, or parfait, or even onions (though, Galinda, thought, onions could be green like Elphie too). No, layered as in personalities. Something entirely sweet could lay beneath the bitter surface.

She'd applied that theory to Elphaba after a while and found that the deadly sarcasm could actually, at times, be utterly endearing.

"GALINDA!" Galidna frowned as Elphie rushed out of the bathroom, armed with their toilet cleaner. A shower cap caged her hair. "I think I'm allergic to water," Elphie mouthed breathlessly.

Then again, sometimes there was a third, even deeper level, and that one was the same as the top surface one. Like pie.

Maybe Elphie was merely bipolar. One moment, she'd be going wild over the revelation that she, believe it or not, wore a bra, and the next, she'd be stuffed under her covers, hiding from "the legs in blue stockings" (which were her own, for Lureline's sake)!

Galinda raised her eyebrows suspiciously at the scene. "What makes you think you're allergic?"

"It was hot!" Elphie squeaked. "I mean, not _hot _hot- water's female," she informed her proudly. "And I don't like females!"

"So… you're allergic because the water's flirting with you?"

"It tickles!" she declared. "And it burned me, see?" She flashed her back at Galinda, who quickly turned away.

"You're sure you didn't just turn it up too high?" Galinda suggested, rubbing her forehead painfully.

"I pointed the minute hand at cold," Elphie stated proudly.

"Check the hour hand," Galinda advised, frowning at the strange vocabulary and Elphaha's apparel alike. "Wait a sec, are you bathing in my bakini?"

Elphie flashed a quick smile. "I, um, it promotes honesty."

Galinda couldn't stop staring. "Elphie…"

"I know," she interjected quickly, "doesn't it make me look hot? Not that I like girls, because, as I mentioned before, I don't. In fact, I don't like anybody." She threw her arms up in the air. "I hate the world!"

"Are you sick?" was the only appropriate response.

"Well, I kinda almost got expelled today," Elphie replied, falling back on her bed and spraying water all over it.

"WHAT?" Galinda shrieked.

Elphie waved it off. "Don't worry, it's no biggie." She flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Say, isn't there a party in two days?"

"Um, yeah," Galinda answered, slumping down on her own bed. Something had to be wrong, if Elphie was actually socializing. "Don't worry, I'm working on asking out Avaric!" She couldn't reveal her master plan, after all.

Elphie jumped up. "Awesome! I mean," she cleared her throat, "poor Fiyero, I'm sure he'll be… well, probably drunk enough not to notice."

"What is wrong with you?" Galinda wailed. "Fiyero's dating _me_. You know that! Have you inherited his brains, or something?"

"…something," Elphie answered. "And he prefers to be known as intellectually ignorant, not stupid."

Galinda threw her arms up. "Well, I'm glad you know that!" She pouted, placing her hands in her pockets. Her hand caught onto the necklace and slowly, she withdrew the snake. Its eyes glared at her, venomously sneering. The white pants she could understand, but was Fiyero's fashions sense truly so terrible that he'd think she wanted animals dangling from her neck?

She already had one. "Hey." Elphie had crept up from behind her, sitting beside her and taking her hand. "He cares for you. You know that."

Galinda stared into her friend's guileless eyes. Had they always been blue? No, they weren't blue at all, it was just the lighting. Elphie wasn't the blue one. "But what if he doesn't?"

Elphie didn't answer that one. Not right away. "He does," she finally said, hugging her friend. "He'll always care for you, Galinda Upland. You remember that."

Galinda nodded, half-heartedly, even though Elphie certainly knew nothing about love. But, then again, she'd never mentioned love. She spared one more glance at the necklace, hiding it from the green girl in fear she'd reclaim it. It was the one piece of jewelry she'd convinced Elphaba to wear after all, and she'd convinced herself that was coincidence, because snakes matched her personality or something like that.

Galinda would try again with the snake. She'd try to ignore the deadly rattling against her neck and wear it with pride, a symbol to the world. A symbol that her boyfriend cared about her enough to send her a snake that would strangle her- no.

She'd wear it because she knew Elphie was telling the truth.

But, then why was Elphie crying?

Then again, the truth did that to you sometimes.

xXx

Step One: Make sure your date can't use expulsion as an excuse not to date you.

"Oi, Morrible!" _Or is that too casual? _"I've been hearing some interesting rumors lately." _Great, now she's going to think you're a gossip._ "Concerning two friends of mine."_ Who cares what she thinks of you, anyway?_ "Well, someone I hate, and a wannabe date, actually."_ She did not need to know that! _"Elphaba and Fiyero, to be specific." _She's gonna think you're dating Fiyero now, stupid! _ "And, no, I'm not gay!" _Damn, now she has an excuse to date you… _"Can I start over?" _You're talking to a wall, I don't think it cares._

Avaric slammed his fist against said wall. Fiyero was right. Brains sucked.

Brains sucked? Fiyero sucked! Because… he just did! He just sucked!

God, _he_, Avaric, sucked.

Step Two: Lure unwitting date into an empty room, preferably a dark closet.

"Hey, Elphaba, I, um, I…" _Maybe you should pass her a note. Then you won't need to open your mouth._ "What I mean to ask is…" _You're right, a note's stupid. _"Can we have sex?" _Scratch that. YOU'RE stupid! That is NOT what you mean to ask!_ "Erm…"_ Well, it kind of was, but that's not the point!_ "I mean, I… can I cheat off your notes?" _Hmmm, and is that all you're going to cheat on?_ "Just kill me now." _The only part she'd agree with._

Maybe she'd get lost and happen to wander in a closet on her own?

Step Three: Flatter her.

"Hey, those green leggings look really good on you." _Crap, that's her skin. _"Um… just so you know, I'm okay with having tadpoles as decedents." _But what if she's actually part vegetable? _"Or broccoli, but I might eat them." _You just offered to eat her kids! That is NOT cool! _"Uh… this, um, closet's homey." _Great, she probably thinks you just called the closet gay. _"We can come out, if you want." _Way to go, now she thinks YOU'RE gay. _"I need an aspirin…"

And that had nothing to do with the fact that he'd just smashed a whole in the dry wall with his head.

Step Four: Mention Galinda.

"I never got into Galinda's bed." _Now she thinks you're a whore!_ "But I didn't. Get into her bed, that is." _ A whore who can't get a date! Well, that's pretty obvious._ "I think I already said that."_ Granted, she probably already knows that. _"Anyway, but she's still hot, you know." _YOU'RE TRYING TO DATE ELPHABA, NOT FIYERO'S DITZY BLONDE! _"Not a ditzy blonde, at all." _Hypocrite. _"Well, she's blonde."

What was the point of mentioning Galinda anyway? To instill trust, Galinda had said. Well he was succeeding at that: trust that Avaric would never, ever be true to Elphaba.

Step Five: Bring the conversation around to dating.

"You like fruits, right?" _The other kind of date, idiot. _"So, I was thinking, since you're a vegetable, and dates are fruits…" _OTHER DATES!_ "There's got to be some connection there, right?" _And what if she is an animal? _"And, and animals eat dates, so there's definitely a connection there…" _Great, you just gave her permission to eat her date. You. Better hope she says no._

Wasn't he trying to get her to say yes?

Step Six: Ask her out.

"Will you go out with me?" _… well, that was unnaturally easy._

Too easy.

Step Seven: Blackmail her.

"Look, I know you said no, and I respect your wishes, but if you don't go out with me, I'll get Fiyero expelled." _Like she'd care. Oh, God, she'd better not… _"Or maybe I'll tell Galinda to do nightly makeovers with you." _Except Galinda seems to do that anyway, either that or she's just naturally hot._ "Look, she's the one who came up with the stupid idea of blackmailing you anyway, so don't blame me!" _Of course Elphaba's naturally hot! _"So… are you going out with me, or not?" _…not._

Avaric fell back on his bed. How lonely it was, without anyone else's body heat. And the produce he'd perched on the other pillow wasn't doing him any favors, either. He hoped Elphaba turned out to be an animal rather than a vegetable, because he'd been forced to cut off the broccoli's head for his soup.

Except reptiles were cold-blooded.

Well, either way, he'd find out tomorrow. His eyes flickered towards the clock. Never mind that. He'd find out _today_.

Step Somewhere in the Future: Whatever you do, don't act like Fiyero.

Step God Forbid: Unless it helps.

Step After the Inevitable: And if you do make a fool of yourself, get drunk enough to not remember.

Step Impossible: Just do it.

xXx

_Elphaba wasn't born for the rose and the pearl._

_Damn. Couldn't Galinda have told him that earlier, before he'd bought her a bunch of roses and pearl earrings?_

No matter. He could just tell her that he'd spilled lots of red paint on white lilies and that the pearls were actually white opals. She'd buy that before she agreed to go out with him, after all. And the likelihood of her buying it was less than him buying all this sappy stuff for a girl, which he'd vowed never to do. But he'd caved in the end, so maybe she would.

His stomach fell the moment she walked out of her dorm, Galinda at her side. Of course Galinda had hottified her for the occasion, but they hadn't counted on what that would do to his oral habits.

"Come on, Elphie! We're going to be late!"

"But my first class is in an hour!" Elphaba protested. "Why did we have to get up so early?"

"I told you, it's daylight's saving time!" Avaric smirked at the prepared lie. He'd thought it was rather clever of him, using science to help ask her out.

"It's the middle of winter!" Elphaba protested.

"Hence the need for saving daylight! Now, come on!" Galinda took Elphaba's hand and pulled her along. Avaric ducked as the two passed before uprooting the bush and following in their stead.

"Wait!" Elphaba's voice rang throughout the woods as Avaric froze in his tracks, ducking his head. "Did that bush just move?"

"Yeah, it's called wind," Galinda snorted, attempting to drag Elphaba along.

Seeming to accept the explanation, Elphaba shrugged and followed her friend. A second later, she peeked over her shoulder, stopping dead in her tracks. "No, I swear, that bush is following us!"

"Elphie, bushes don't follow people! They're vegetation!"

"Well, I'm a vegetable, and I walk!"

"Well, the bush isn't walking, it's lurking _very _subtly," Galinda hinted, glaring at him venomously. He noticed the snake dangling from her neck, which matched her expression. _Tread Cautiously_, it said. If only she could see that. "Now come on!"

Galinda maneuvered her to an ideally located bench. "Now wait here."

"For what?" Elphaba questioned half-heartedly.

"For me," Galinda replied. "I have anywhere else to be."

Elphaba raised her eyebrow, unfazed. "And if the Stalker Bush catches up to me before then?"

Galinda shrugged. "Ask it out on a date."

Rolling his eyes, Avaric prepared himself as Galinda scurried away. He peered over the bush cautiously, spotting Elphaba silhouetted against the sunrise. He rather wished he'd brought his mini-camera, but he'd lent it to Morrible to reinforce his blackmail threat.

Clearing his throat, he stepped out and approached her. "Hey, Elphaba," he said casually, slouching next to here. "Fancy finding you here."

"You would," she replied, eyeing the roses.

"Yeah, um, I randomly found these on the side of the road," Avaric explained awkwardly. "Some idiot spilled red paint, but they kinda, um, reminded me of you…"

"How so?" Elphaba seemed amused to be playing with him. "And aren't roses already red?"

"They're not roses, they're, um, milkweed!" Avaric defended. "And they reminded me of you because… because…"

Elphaba waited. "Yes?"

"_Because you are so beautiful!_" he blurted out.

"_Oh, Avaric! I think you're delusional_," Elphaba replied with a smirk, accepting the roses. She sniffed them.

"So… you like roses?" Avaric asked confused.

"Well, they're sappy, but if a guy's desperate enough to get sappy…"

"I get your point… wait, desperate?"

"Ouch!" Elphaba flung the roses away, staring in dismay at her now bleeding finger. "And I get your point. Literally."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize, it's the roses' fault." Elphaba glanced at him dubiously. "Or the milkweeds' fault, if you insist."

"Um, yeah," he sounded. Staring into her eyes gave him a leap of confidence. "Elphaba, we need to talk."

"We are, aren't we?"

"We need to talk about… us." Avaric cleared his throat. "If there is an us, that is. Elphaba, I…"

"Sure."

Avaric blinked. "What?"

"I said sure."

"Sure what?"

"Sure, I'll go with you to the dance on Saturday," she answered unwaveringly.

Avaric stared back. Surely he wasn't _that _charming… "B-but… you're sure?"

"Are you?" she questioned.

"Yes! I mean, yeah, I just… we hardly even know each other."

"And that's why I'm giving you a chance," she replied. With a wicked grin, she continued, "My personal opinion is that you don't have what it takes. Perhaps you'll prove me wrong." Her gaze lingered on him. "I doubt you will." The line, undoubtedly, was taken from Galinda; he fondly recalled it, from his stalker days, before the green girl had literally danced into his life.

"Oh, yeah?" he grinned. "What does it take?"

She muttered something that sounded unnervingly like "vagina, for starters." Seeing as he was doomed if she turned out to be gay, he accounted it to the wind, as Galinda had proved earlier, a convenient excuse.

He realized he was staring at her. She seemed to realize it as well. "I have to go!" she blurted before dashing away.

"So I'll be picking you up around eight?" he called after her before cursing his choice of words. Luckily, she hadn't heard him anyway. Otherwise, he'd have been doomed.

She'd never have accepted him if he'd given her the speech. Oz, he didn't even know why she had accepted him without anything. The roses, maybe?

He picked them off the ground. Really, all he'd accomplished was making her bleed. She'd do worse to him, eventually, but for now, he could focus on the present victory.

Step Impossible: Incomplete.

But it worked out anyway.

**

* * *

And why did it? Why would Fiyero accept a date from someone that not only possesses a Y chromosome but is also trying to steal his green goddess? That's coming next chapter, along with first appearances from the neglected girl in the chair and a cub whose name is truly original… the Lion. And when is the chapter coming? Press the green rectangle below to find out!**


	15. Forget Me Not

**Disclaimer: **Mmm-hmmm, that's why I'm always so late with updates.

**Notes: **I am just having a lack of motivation writing this, and not because of a lack of interest. (Seriously, you'd think I'd have an easier time doing this than summer homework, but evidently not.) But I'm going to try to force myself to finally write more and hope it turns out okay! (Fiyero's mind is already jumbled, so it's not like anyone will know if I mess him up.)… Well, it must have worked if I'm posting this.

Why had he just accepted a date with Avaric?

Because he was trying to dump Galinda, of course.

And why was he trying to dump Galinda?

Because he was trying to date Elphaba.

And why was he trying to date Elphaba?

Well… he just was, okay?

His brain shorted it on him at that point. Fiyero refocused and brought himself back to the beginning of the mess.

Why had he accepted a date with Avaric?

To get on Galinda's good side, so she'd be feeling happier when he figured out how to dump her.

Okay, fine, it was because, Galinda really scared him sometimes, but at least he was man enough to admit it!

Sadly, that was all the man he was right now.

"Looking for someone?"

Fiyero whirled his head around at the voice that had come from nowhere. His eyes narrowed suspiciously at the vine-draped walls, wondering if they were setting up to make a joke about greeting a relative.

"Down here!" the female voice demanded irritably, waving her hand to get his attention. "Yes, hello? What, did you forget about your own sister?"

He only managed a dull, "Uh…" and hoped she didn't take that in the affirmative. Because even if he had kind of forgotten about her, she wasn't exactly his sister, right?

Nessa sighed, shaking her head. "You know, you think it's so terrible being green, but at least you get noticed that way."

"I like green!" Fiyero blurted. She raised her eyebrows. "I said greed," he amended.

"So you like greed?" Nessa asked dubiously.

"With a 'not' at the end," he added.

Nessa sighed. "On the other hand, why I'd want to converse with you anyway…"

"Yeah," Fiyero agreed, "Why would you?" Talk about screwing it up with the in-laws. "I mean, yeah, you would!"

"Sorry to make you stoop to my level," Nessa grumbled, wheeling away.

"No, Nessa, wait!" Granted, he probably shouldn't be spending time with the person who knew Elphaba the most in case she saw through his disguise, but he figured no one really knew Elphaba. Besides, it'd just utterly destroy the quickly failing ego he'd retained if someone without legs beat him to class. "I… I didn't mean… sorry I haven't been spending time with… but I haven't forgotten…"

In response, Nessa laughed callously. "Because you're too smart to forget," she replied. "And too smart to remember."

"I have a legitimate reason," he tried.

"You always do. You care for reason and science more than your family."

"I know," Fiyero sighed. He'd never gotten how sheets of paper and splotchy ink could be a more inviting sight than him. "Uh, I mean, I do care for you…"

"Yeah," Nessa sighed, "care for me. Because someone has to."

"It's not your fault you were born," Fiyero tried, placing his hand on her chair.

She whirled away. "No, Elphaba, who's fault was that?"

By the way she stared, he got the feeling he was the answer. His breath caught in his chest as he came up with the only less-than-possible solution. "Oh god, I'm not your mother, am I?" He whipped his head around in a paranoid fashion. "Damn, I can't handle all this competition! Who's the father? Can I beat him up? Wait, I birthed you when I was three?"

By now, Nessa had somehow managed to fall over laughing despite the fact she was already perpetually sitting. "Okay, fine," she managed, "I forgive you."

"For birthing you?"

She glared. "For forgetting me. Honestly, I didn't know you'd go to such extremes for forgiveness."

"What, I don't pull the 'ten hours of labor' card a lot?" Fiyero teased, since by now, even he was used to his brain conjuring ridiculous notions.

"Oh, you do the ten hours, alright," Nessa sighed.

That made Fiyero glance around for a clock. "Uh, right, can we do the ten hours later, though? I've got history, and if I miss that, well then…" He trailed off, realizing that missing history class wouldn't be a horribly upsetting experience. Unless Elphaba found out, which she was bound to since she was in the class too. Suddenly, he remembered why he forced himself to attend each day. "I'm history," he finished.

Nessa frowned. "Really, Elphaba, I already know you forgot about me, you don't need to hide it."

"No, really, I do prefer you to dusty paper!"

She glared at him. "We go to history together, remember?"

Seriously, he couldn't be blamed for not remembering something that hadn't happened. "Oh, right, I knew we walked together…" He trailed off, realizing his poor choice of words. "Or, um… let's roll!" he tried, grabbing the handles and wondering if he was qualified to drive the thing. After all, his family had had to hire Averick (the servant, not to be confused with Avaric the pervert) just to drive his cart from school to school. (They required his services weekly, usually.)

Nessa sighed but let herself be pushed around regardless as he attempted to maneuver through the crowds. Either his history class had gotten really popular, or he was headed off-campus.

Or towards the coffee shop, evidently. He gagged as some kid "accidentally" spilled coffee- on his face.

"Sorry, Green Bean, guess it wanted a family reunion!" the boy jeered as Fiyero sputtered. Nessa didn't speak up, but the fear spoke loud enough in her eyes for Fiyero to forgive her silence.

"Are you always this lame?" Fiyero shot back.

"Isn't that your sister's job?" Not waiting for an answer, the boy sprinted off, leaving Fiyero to belatedly realized that he'd failed at yet another double meaning. Nessa cast her eyes away, her silence speaking louder than words.

"Don't let anyone push you around," he advised Nessa. "Well, except literally."

"I thought it was best to ignore them, and they'll ignore me," she replied. "No wait- I don't need to do anything to get them to ignore me."

"Really? My grand strategy is to ignore people?" Fiyero frowned. "What if they're really hot?"

"Except be related to you," Nessa amended.

"I'm not that bad, am I?"

"No, you're positively wicked."

"Wicked," Fiyero repeated with a grin. "How'd a get that title?"

"As an absentee," Nessa remarked dryly. He waited. "Three hours," she fumed, "three straight hours of Parcheesi with the old hag last night! All because she's lactose intolerant-"

"And we all know what happens to things she's intolerant of," Fiyero grumbled, referring not to Elphaba's animals but, like always, to himself.

"-and had to stay awake to visit the bathroom every five minutes."

"So she punished you… with Parcheesi?"

"There's no 'Get Out of Jail Free' card," Nessa complained.

"Are you kidding?" Fiyero complained, recalling his nights with her. "She makes me clean latrines." Nessa raised her eyebrows. "No, really, I've got to tonight. In place of expulsion."

"You know, you've really taken well to joking."

"Come on, Nessa, you know me." He pointed his finger at her as if to prevent her from arguing. "Yes, you do."

"Not denying it," she replied.

"Then you know I don't joke."

Nessa giggled. "What, you've colored your reputation?"

"That's one way to put it," he mused as he drove through a flock of pigeons. Nessa flailed her hands around to avoid them, but Fiyero noted the smile on her face. "Say, have you ever popped a wheelie on this?"

Nessa whirled her head around. "Who are you, and what have you done with my sister?"

"Nothing!" he squeaked, throwing his hands up, which caused her to veer out of control. No way- how had he blown his cover? Her frown told him that she had been exaggerating. "Uh, I'm new at joking, remember?" He grabbed the handles once more. "But the wheelie thing wasn't a joke. Do you know any tricks?"

Nessa grinned wickedly. "There are lots of uses for a wheelchair, you know…"

xXx

One hundred uses later, they were laughing their heads off in some empty meadow. For once, Nessa was free of her chair, lying on her back and staring at the sky as they reverted to a childlike state and took turns declaring what certain clouds looked like.

"A cotton swab without a stick!" Fiyero blurted, pointing to one right above them.

Nessa rolled her eyes at his repetitive nature. "I'm beginning to regret ever teaching you what that word meant." She pointed at another cloud. "That one's Galinda on a bad hair day."

Since Galinda wasn't there, Fiyero felt free to add, "Or on a good one." Nessa giggled as he pointed to a particularly wispy one. "That one looks like a plant!"

"Be more specific," Nessa scolded. He pouted. "Or people might confuse it for you."

"Fine. It looks like that nasty cow one. Milkweed, that's it!"

Nessa's face fell. "Milkweed." She forced at smile. "Of course, it does kind of look dangerous."

"Funny," Fiyero remarked, "it didn't even taste like milk."

Of all the stupid things he'd said, he didn't expect her to slap him on that one. "You tasted it? How could you?" Nessa was nearly in sobs. "You think it's okay just because you're never going to get a date?"

"You know, I was looking for a good time to broach that topic…" he began.

"And I thought you were supposed to be smart!" She folded her arms and looked away. "There's already one cripple because of you. Don't create another."

For once, Fiyero wondered if he had an excuse not to understand. "Nessa…"

"I know," she blurted. "It wasn't your fault you came out green, or that Father forced Mother to eat milkweed to make sure I wouldn't be the same way. It's just… it's not my fault either… and I can't blame my legs on the milkweed…" She pounded her fist into the ground. "There's got to be someone to blame for this." Her eyes welled with tears. "Because it's so terrible…"

Fiyero didn't know what to say, and since guessing wouldn't do, he simply didn't speak at all and pulled her into a sisterly gesture. Actions were supposed to speak louder than words.

But those words were enough to get him riled up. How come Elphaba had never talked about her life at home? _Because it was that bad_, he answered silently. But, if it was that bad, didn't she have to tell someone? To share the pain? And Nessa had enough of her own, he suspected. Maybe she did have a reputation for being an attention hog, but considering how little she truly got, she was nothing compared to Galinda.

Nothing. Did it feel bad being nothing? He'd never known; even now, he couldn't, since he knew who he really was. Or did he? Elphaba seemed to think he didn't know anything, and when it came to her, he'd never given her any reason to prove him wrong.

Was it bad that he didn't know who he was?

Or worse, to find that he probably didn't want to know?

"Nessa," he began, thinking of anything to change the subject, "what would you say if I was hypothetically dating Fiyero?"

Her laughter was the only answer he needed. "Elphie," she wheezed, purposely using Galinda's nickname, "I know you're new to joking, but please, don't mess with me like that!"

"I'm not joking!" he pouted before realizing what that would imply. "Just being hypothetical."

"Oh." She frowned, evidently not knowing what to make of that.

"I think a lot, you know," he went on. She waited for the what. "Just saying."

"About Fiyero?"

"Just about hypothetics," he replied. "I mean, does he deserve me?"

Nessa raised her eyebrows. "I think you inverted your subject and object there."

"I'm hypothesizing that I have as half the self-esteem as I do IQ," he replied. "Is Fiyero good enough for me?"

Nessa scoffed. "Elphaba, you can do far better without anyone ever knowing it. Although, I'm not really one to judge."

"Why not?" Fiyero asked. "You've known me forever."

"Yeah, and Fiyero's never spoken to me in my life!"

"Yes, he has!" Fiyero protested before realizing that, in truth, he probably hadn't. "Well, maybe he asked to borrow a pencil or something," he relented.

Nessa shook her head. "I'm beneath him," she sighed, "and not just literally. But it's okay. I mean, what I don't know shouldn't hurt me, should it?" From her tone, he guessed she felt the exact opposite.

"You're not beneath him when you're lying down," he pointed out.

"And he's good at that," she grumbled.

"And you'd know that how?"

"Everyone knows it."

"Ah, so. He's slept with everyone?"

"Seems like."

"But you know it, and he hasn't slept with you."

"Yeah, but…" Nessa squirmed uncomfortably.

"Then you're judging him as much as people judge you." He was surprised by his own words. "Maybe, when people treat him all high and mighty, he feels like it's an expectation to be that way." He looked straight at her. "Just like when people look at you, they don't see you, because you're always hiding."

"I am not!" she cried. "It's not my fault heels don't make me taller!"

"Nessa," he frowned, "you know how my strategy was to ignore everyone?" She nodded. "Well, I was wrong. You've got a lovely voice; use it. Tell people you're there instead of wishing you could."

Nessa rolled her eyes. "Like that'd make a difference. Then they'd just throw stuff at me too."

"Well, it's one way to get attention. If you're half as strong as she- uh, me- not to compliment myself or anything- then you're stronger than most of the world."

"Really," she stated dubiously.

"Hey, you push yourself around all day. That's got to build some serious biceps."

Nessa shook her head and turned away. Still, her voice came a few seconds later, "You really think people would notice me?"

"If you stood up for yourself?" _Damn_, Fiyero thought as she glared at him. He'd pinpointed her thoughts too precisely. "Sorry, Nessa, I'm not good at this kind of thing."

"Or too good. Seriously, I didn't think so many bad puns even existed."

He shrugged. "But I mean it."

"Do you think Boq would notice me?"

"Well, he's dating you, isn't he?" Fiyero declared. His brain stopped his mouth a moment later as he frowned. "Oh, god, you're dating Boq, aren't you?"

"Don't start, Elphaba," Nessa warned. "Honestly, I thought you'd like him. He's studious, innocent, discreetly sweet if slightly geeky…" She paused. "Wait, you don't like him, do you?"

Fiyero wrinkled his nose. "I certainly hope not." Although, come to think of it, he was currently sleeping with Boq in the most literal sense.

"Oh, right." Nessa smiled. "You like Fiyero."

"I do?" His heart skipped a few beats. Elphaba liked him? Him? Elphaba?

Unfortunately, Nessa was staring at him as if he was an idiot. Appropriate, since he was one. "You know about that whole forgetting thing…"

"I just told you that a minute ago, didn't I?" Fiyero sighed. "I really don't like him, Nessa." He couldn't tell if he was lying or not. "Some of the things he's done…" He shuddered. "How could anyone like him?"

"Well, he is hot," Nessa pointed out.

"Great," Fiyero muttered. The wheelchair kid thought he was hot. But that was just the outside. And, especially now, that wasn't really him.

He decided to stare at the sky a bit longer. It was blue. So was he. But, being green, he wouldn't let it show.

"Hey, that cloud looks like Doctor Dillamond!" he declared happily. Nessa's eyes widened in shock. "Really, you don't have to get that thrilled about it."

"History!" she blurted.

"Who cares?" he tried. "It's in the past."

"Um, actually," she glanced at her watch, "what were you doing up two hours early?"

"Don't remind me," he grumbled. "Say, did you know that Boq wears a watch too?"

She rolled her eyes. "I know, I stole one of his because it smelled like him."

"You were in my dorm room?" Fiyero squeaked. She stared at him curiously. "I said a _guy's _dorm room. Wait a second, did you two…?"

"No," she sighed. "I- I think he's just glad to find someone shorter than him, really." He tried to find the words to comfort her, but instead, she found the words to terrify him. "And you're not getting out of history class. I thought you liked it, anyway." She hoisted herself into her chair.

He shrugged evasively. "What were you doing up two hours early?"

Nessa grinned. "Going to wake you up to yell at you."

"Well, then," Fiyero replied as he pushed her back towards the campus, "I guess things worked out after all." But he knew how often he was wrong, and inside, he knew that this was one of those times.

He was currently in the process of trying to get Boq to dump Nessa so Boq could then date Galinda so that Fiyero could dump Galinda and date Elphaba so that she'd have an excuse to dump Avaric. All because half of them weren't happy where they were, and the other half wouldn't be happy where they wanted to be. And he was the only one willing to act. Because he was so good at it, even he hadn't realized he'd been acting.

Not everyone was going to end up happy. Some would end up not even knowing they were happy; others wouldn't know the difference if it hit them in the heart. He was beginning to realize he'd been happy his whole life. He hadn't known what that meant before.

But being Elphaba, if anything, had made him smarter. He knew now it meant he was one of the lucky ones. Because, like riding a bike, once you learned how to be sad, you never forgot it.

Even when you didn't have a brain.

"Nessa," he sighed, realizing she'd meant it when she said he was good at puns. "I think I'm lost."

**

* * *

Well, if I got here, I obviously succeeded. And in one afternoon too! I know, I promised the lion cub would be in this one, but I felt Nessa was so utterly neglected, so deserved a chapter for herself, plus it would be too long and I wanted to get something posted. (Talk about excuses.) But I'm sure you all don't mind the last one, right? (Hint: Review?)**


	16. Fight My Own Battles

**Disclaimer: **Well, some of you might call me wicked for making you wait for long…

**Notes: **Sorry for the ridiculously long wait- but what better way to apologize than with a 20 page, 6,870 word update? Granted, it's not one of my best chapters, but its not as bad as I originally thought, and seeing as I've been struggling to write it since last June, I figured I would just post it and move on. I took a few liberties with the lion cub scene, like making it coincide with the graffiti, making it a surprise to Doctor Dillamond, and making the officials intrude halfway through class, but typically, Fiyero's not listening to the first part of class anyway, so it'll feel like the beginning to him. I know it sounds a little lame, but the man's words in the real scene are just as unconvincing, if slightly more artistic. Or maybe it's just me not being able to write after penning only essays for school for months on end.

**Another Note: **I uploaded this a while ago, but for some reason, it didn't post, and I didn't catch it until now. So sorry for the inconvenience! (Especially DorothyInWonderland- thanks for the extra reviews!) Enjoy!

"You're late."

"And you're sitting in the front of the classroom again," Fiyero countered as he uncharacteristically plopped himself next to Elphaba.

"Someone has to take notes," Elphaba grumbled. Fiyero's eyes travelled briefly to the chalkboard. It was blank, but somehow, Elphaba's paper was riddled with notes.

"But you can take notes from the back of the classroom," he pointed out, rather proud of his deduction. "You never told me the glasses were just for show."

"Well, not everyone uses condoms as wards," she sniffed. "And not everyone uses history class as a cure for insomnia."

"Actually, I sit back there to…" he trailed off. He'd been about to say _to look at you_, but he didn't imagine that she'd accept that, even if she did believe him. "Spitballs. I sit back there for spitballs."

"And here I was thinking the leaks in the ceiling suspiciously seemed to follow me…"

Something rebounded against Fiyero's head. Wincing, he glanced back to find Galinda raising her eyebrows meaningfully and gesturing towards a paper airplane he'd just stepped on. Turning back to the lecture, he unwrinkled it.

_Where were you?_

He noticed Elphaba's eyes trained on his response.

_Avaric, remember?_

"Isn't looking at other people's notes cheating?" Fiyero teased.

"It's my own note."

"Then those are mine?" Fiyero replied, grinning as she barricaded her notes with his hands. He flicked the note back to Galinda. Unfortunately, aerodynamics had never made any sense to him, and the note ended up in front of Nessa. She frowned as she read the contents before passing it on to Galinda.

Elphaba was still taking in Galinda's note. "Oh, god, if you get me pregnant…"

Fiyero groaned. "I don't care what my ego says, if Avaric even tries to play Cupid, I will circumcise him!"

"You're right," Elphaba replied. "I can't see you handling any type of labor if you can't even pretend to do your history homework."

"Who cares about the delivery? There's just no way I could stomach all the 'tofu dipped in honey, ketchup, and peanut butter' cravings." Elphaba raised her eyebrows. "Hey! There's a reason for the morning sickness, you know?… No. Never mind, just… forget it."

Elphaba already had. "Only two hours?"

He glanced at the note Galinda had passed him.

_It took Avaric two hours?_

"It took him Galinda," Fiyero grumbled. He'd just started to consider considering his response when another airplane struck his head. Turning around to glare at Galinda, he instead found Nessa staring at him. "Are you always this popular?" he hissed to Elphaba as he turned back around. "Should I put on the glasses or something?"

"Well, don't you always ask me for my notes?"

Not replying, he read Nessa's note.

_What did she mean, Avaric?_

Like he did with Galinda, he answered Nessa with a question and tossed it back to her. _You know, Avaric, our classmate? The one that's not Fiyero's taxi driver?_

To Galinda, he wrote bitterly, _No, we were predestined._

As he passed that note along, another one hit his shoulder. Expecting an exasperated response from Nessa, he was surprised to find it contained Avaric's handwriting.

_You didn't tell your sister about us?_

Glancing behind, Fiyero spotted Avaric reading over Nessa's shoulder. In turn, Nessa pelted Fiyero with the crumpled ball, not even bothering with a response. Sighing, he scribbled back to both of them, _We were busy naming clouds, remember?_

"Miss Elphaba?" Fiyero nearly jumped out of his seat as he shrunk under the old goat's gaze.

"I, uh, I mean, you're completely right, sir," he stuttered. "Animals are… uh, capitalized…" Everyone was staring at him, so he felt obligated to continue, "And I think it's completely unfair that history is called history when just as often, it's her story I'm unquestionably listening to you lecture about."

The goat thumped his hooves together slightly but seemed to accept it as Elphaba's nature to be needlessly verbose. "I asked, why does Master Fiyero have your notes?"

"Oh." He glanced at Elphaba, who was frowning. "I dunno. Am I allowed to call a friend and ask?"

"We're not friends," Elphaba reminded him.

"Master Fiyero, give Miss Elphaba her notes back," Doctor Dillamond reprimanded before resuming his lecture.

"Told you they were mine," Fiyero whispered as she reluctantly slid them over. He cast them aside for Galinda's response to his cynicism.

_Predestined? See, I told you you two were soul mates!_

She didn't seem to understand that predestination was his nickname for her.

_Sarcasm doesn't translate well on parchment, does it? _He wrote back. As he tossed the note to Galinda, she handed him one back. Frowning, he recognized Boq's neat handwriting.

_Is Galinda writing about me?_

There was only one correct response to that. _Yes._

"Pass this to Boq," he whispered to Galinda. Instead, she read it. Frowning, she thankfully passed it to Boq before writing back to him.

_No, sarcasm doesn't translate very well at all._

Being environmentally friendly, Nessa and Avaric responded on the same note, which always seemed to collide with his head.

Nessa's scribbles were so emphatically scripted, they nearly went off the page. _Why is he bothering dating you?_

Avaric merely wondered, _Did you name a cloud after me?_

No wonder he chose to sleep through history always. They should count it as a physical education class for his hand, which was cramping up worse than the "female thing." _Ask me why I'm bothering dating him, and unless your name is cotton swab, then no. _As an afterthought, he fumingly added, _I'm going to get a paper cut on my head if you guys keep this up!_

He'd barely flicked it back when another note landed right in front of him. He was about to comment on the writer's superior aim before realizing that it hadn't travelled far. This time, it was Elphaba who had thrust the note in front of him.

_Animals should be seen and not heard._

xXx

The message certainly wasn't lost. In fact, if anyone bothered to look beyond their meaningless social lives and into anyone else's, they'd find it there again, spray-painted across the chalkboard in menacing letters.

_Animals._

Well, at least that should mean they shouldn't be hearing from any of the Wizard's officials again. They were homo sapiens, weren't they? The worst kind of animals.

_Seen._

And she'd seen it before, alright. It was the worst of all curses, to be seen, stared at. It was funny how, if people believed you were ugly and different, they didn't try to hide the flaws of their perfect society; no, they cast whatever was broken into the spotlight for everyone to mock, drawing attention to their imperfections. And not just green skin.

_Heard._

True to the graffiti's word, Doctor Dillamond was stuttering wordlessly at the abomination in front of him. Typically, only Fiyero was stupid enough to break the silence.

"Animals should be… what? The First Crusade was against the Animals? But I thought the Turks… Oh! That's why it's called Turkey!" Fist-pumping dramatically, he turned to Elphaba. "Man, those guys must have been really hungry. Although, that doesn't explain why they were all named Frank. Even the girls."

Behind her, Nessa gasped. "I knew it! I always knew it would come to this: deposition!"

Doctor Dillamond, who thankfully seemed to have missed Fiyero's outburst in his shock, looked sadly upon Nessa. "As astute as your sister, Miss Nessarose."

"But everyone has character," Fiyero scoffed at Nessa's solution. "Doesn't mean you need to go around saying 'Oh, Fiyero, you have a nice disposition, today'?"

Thankfully, this remark too went ignored.

"Oh, don't think flattery's going to get you out of this," Nessa went on. "My father is the Governor of Munchkinland _and _an esteemed disciple of the Unnamed God."

"Yeah, mine too!" Fiyero agreed.

"I'm afraid even he can do nothing about this," Doctor Dillamond replied.

"Oh, don't be so sure," Nessa snapped. "You're right to be resigned to your fate. But people like you always get what's coming to you in the end."

Fiyero frowned. "God, Nessa, you really hate history teachers, don't you?"

"What?" Nessa looked taken aback. "No, I hate racist heretics who try to shove the religious beliefs onto everyone else."

"Oh." Fiyero groaned. "You mean the whole lamb of God thing was merely metaphorical? Wait. You mean you hate yourself? How could you, Nessa?"

"Lay off it, Elphaba. You said it yourself! He's trying to portray the worshipers of the Unnamed God as ruthless slaughterers of Animals!"

"Uh… you're right!" Fiyero stated for measure. "How could they kill all those poor Turkeys? You know what, I'm gonna become a vegetarian!"

"The Vegetable's gonna commit genocide?" an idiotic student from the back row commented.

"Students, please…" Doctor Dillamond tried.

"See, he even has horns!" Nessa cried, crossing herself.

Elphaba had no choice but to step in, even if it meant raising Fiyero's grades in history class. If there even was a history class. Because to her, it looked like that only thing that was going to be made history was Doctor Dillamond. "He has horns because he's a Goat. A scapegoat, to be exact."

Everyone stared for a moment before breaking off into spirals of gossip once more. By now, half of the class had returned to making spitballs and playing tic-tac-toe on the desks. Now that she could no longer stare longingly at Fiyero, Galinda joined in the debate. "That's nice, Fiyero, but I don't think it really matters what species of goat he is…"

"Don't you get it?" Elphaba cried. "Don't any of you get it? The bans, the discrimination-" She thrust her hand towards the board. "-the graffiti, all it is about is species! It's the Animals, and it's the humans, it's not Oz! And it's the humans who are the animals now!"

Oh god. Maybe Fiyero had had a point when he told her she talked too much. If everyone hadn't known what had happened to them before this, surely they would know now. There was no way Fiyero went on an outburst like that.

Obviously realizing this as well, Fiyero came to her aid. "Okay, we get it. Maybe we've called you a Winkie one too many times." He played the part well, but some part of him seemed to be smiling at her outburst. She tried to recall if he'd shown any interest in her lectures before, other than using it as an opportunity to copy her notes. But no- he was only saving his own reputation.

"As it is," Doctor Dillamond said, retaking control, "Master Fiyero is exactly correct."

"An era has come to an end," Nessa muttered.

Doctor Dillamond sighed sadly. "Indeed, it has." His eyes flickered up, and he regained his posture, suddenly full of energy. "And if I've taught you anything across the semester, let this be it. You think history is a gathering of ancient knights and wars. But history is now, and no, I am not referring to your schedules. The events that play out in these next few years, months, even days will be written in someone's history books someday. And what will they think? Will they be proud? Will they be ashamed by what they see?" He glared at the back row. "Will they throw spitballs upon your faces, deface the words that are the only part that remains of you? Because you won't be there to stop them, or to justify yourselves, or to give them a reason to remember. You only have now to do that. And now…" He gazed sadly at the words. "Well, now is gone so quickly, we never knew it was there in the first place. But if someone-" His eyes lingered on the green-skinned student in the front row, and Elphaba felt a stab of jealousy, even though the praise was intended for her. "-if anyone remembers, then maybe now doesn't have to be history anymore."

"You're right, Doctor." Morrible's shadow fell over the class as she stepped through the doorway. "It isn't history anymore."

The Goat's face fell as several men entered the room behind her, dragging torturous-looking equipment behind them, among it a small cage. Elphaba suppressed a cry when she spotted the frail creature imprisoned inside the bars: a sickly Lion Cub who was almost larger than the cage itself. Even Fiyero beside her turned green, and he was already as bright of a shade of emerald as one could get.

"Headmistress," Doctor Dillamond said smoothly, "I take it you have a reason for interrupting my class?"

"Oh, I had nothing to do with it," Morrible replied sweetly, "but all of these signatures forced me to intervene." She dropped the scroll to reveal a meter of parchment packed with signatures that seemed more like forged squiggles. Much easier to sign multiple times that way. "You see, doctor, several of our alumni were horrified that someone with credentials such as yours had been hired to teach the future of Oz…"

"I teach history, Madame," Doctor Dillamond interjected.

"Well, you certainly shouldn't try teaching English," Morrible replied. "Your verb tense is entirely wrong." Before the goat could protest, two of the men grabbed him and "escorted" him out of the room.

"Where are you taking him?" Elphaba demanded.

"He's been recalled," Morrible answered. "His skills must be evaluated so can see if he's… fit."

"Fit for what?" Elphaba dared ask. Someone touched her hand. She whipped it away, hesitating only when she saw that it had been Fiyero, his eyes sending her a message clearer than any of those nonsensical notes: _Calm down. There's nothing you can do about it now, you need to lie low so you can do something later._

_Lie low? _she thought bitterly. _Of course. Fiyero has always been good at that…_

Morrible stepped up the chalkboard, reading the message. "You see, students, history may be literally timeless, but it can only go so far in dictating one's life. You aren't living in history. You are living in a new era, and thus, you must be prepared not to dwell on the past but to pave the road to the future." She gestured to the remaining men. "Doctor Gnarp is here to teach the first of these lessons."

Gnarp's eyes sparkled as he took over the lesson. "Thank you, headmistress, but it is not I who will be conveying the lesson." He gestured to the poor Lion Cub, who was attempting to cover its eyes with its paws, an unmanageable feat in its limited space. "Let me present to you the most impressive innovation since the stone wheel: the cage!"

"How is it that we have locomotives but not cages?" Fiyero muttered.

"That's the question you're asking when you see this?" Elphaba hissed as Gnarp continued his lecture like some travelling salesman.

"This marvelous contraption is for the Cub's own good," Gnarp explained as he poked the cub with a prod. The lion whimpered. "When caged up, it will never have to learn how to speak."

She might have throttled Gnarp there and then if Fiyero hadn't toppled out of his chair, landing hard on the floor, his face contorted in pain.

"Elphie!" Galinda squealed from behind.

Somehow, Fiyero managed a strained smile, pulling himself back into his chair. "Yeah, I'm clumsy, that is totally why I'm brimming with insatiable pain right now- _what the hell are you doing_?" he hissed to Elphaba, opening his textbook to block their conversation.

"If you think your cramps are bad, just imagine how cramped that lion cub is in that…"

"It's not cramps!"

"And the floor's carpeted!"

"_It's not physical pain, it's inside me_!"

"Fiyero, you're making me…" Elphaba trailed off.

"What?" Fiyero asked frantically. "What am I making you? Paranoid? Green with not envy? A BLT sandwich?"

"Angry," Elphaba finished, breaking out into a grin. "Oh, this is brilliant…"

"You being angry's a good thing? And since when do you smile when you're angry?"

"When I was young, whenever I got really angry…" She bit her lip. She'd never really told anyone about her youth, not even Nessa, who'd seen it firsthand. One glance at the frail lion cub overrode all hesitations. "Things happened." There. That wasn't so hard.

"Things?"

"Magic, Fiyero. What you felt… it was magic."

"Oh." He frowned. "Wow. Why do you bother with it, if it's so... fiery?"

"Why do I bother with green skin?"

"Because it's pretty?"

She slapped him. "It's not normally painful. When I summoned it, you didn't know what to do with it, so you just let it burn out inside of you. It's probably just a result of- you know. Point is, it means I can still do magic!"

"You mean I can," Fiyero pointed out. "And besides, unless you were trying to give me another concussion, I don't think it actually accomplished anything."

Elphaba pounded her fist against the desk. "We have to rescue that Lion Cub!"

Fiyero's eyes brightened. "Oh. Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

Before she could stop him, he leapt onto the desk. "RAT!" he shrieked. "OH MY GOD, IT'S A GINORMIC RABID KILLER RAT!" He flailed around, as if fending off some invisible demon. "It's a blood-thirsty rat, and- Galinda, it's on your leg!"

"WHERE?" the blonde screeched, jumping on her desk. "Lurline, it's in my hair, isn't it?"

"Yeah!" Fiyero shouted. "And your face!"

"I'll get it!" Boq declared, tip-toeing closer and closer to Galinda before ramming into her and pinning her beneath him on the desk in a rather suggestive manner.

"Oh, gross," Avaric sniffed.

"What? Where is it?" Nessa demanded.

"Actually, I wasn't referring to…"

Nessa interrupted him with a scream. "I definitely just felt it bite my leg!"

"But you can't even feel your leg!"

"Phantom pain!"

Phantom rat was more like it. Elphaba grinned at the utter chaos; Galinda and Boq were taking turns tripping over each and making some very interesting noises in the process; Nessa was laboriously using her arms to lift her legs and stamp them against the floor to repel the imaginary fiend; And Fiyero…

"Mr. Gnarp! On your wrist!"

"My wrist! Gah! Wait… It's not…"

"No, no, no, your watch is on your wrist. But on your neck…"

"Oh, god, we need a fly-swatter! No, make it a knife. Or a guillotine!"

"…is a very interesting mole."

"A mole? I thought you said it was a rat!"

"It is, and it's eating through your boxers."

"Oz, please tell me I didn't wear the pink ones!"

"Are you deaf? I said it's on your top hat!"

"My top hat!" Gnarp flung his arms up to protect his head. "Wait… I'm not even wearing a top hat!"

Elphaba grinned at the utter chaos. And who was it who had said that animals were more afraid of you than you were of them? Her grin fell as she remembered the terrified creature trapped in the cage, whimpering at the commotion.

"Don't cry," she told it. It came out coarse, more of an order than a reassurance, which the Cub was programmed to obey. It stopped whimpering; instead, buried its head in its paws, shivers ragging across its body. "That defeats the purpose," she said. "You need to tell me where the key is."

The Cub didn't budge.

"You understand me," Elphaba continued. "You're a Lion." Still no response. Perhaps it hadn't learned speech yet; it was young enough, and without its mother by its side…

No. It had to learn.

"Just point with your paw," Elphaba begged it. "I can't free you without the key; I haven't got razor claws like you to break you out." In fact, without her magic, she was utterly useless. Even Fiyero, who was gauging her process from across the room, seemed to think so; _You're seriously interrogating the lion cub? _his expression said.

And he was right. The Cub's speech wasn't important; not now. After all, learning to speak depended on his survival. And she'd learned quite a few survival tricks in her childhood.

"You don't need a key to escape," she told the Cub. "Locks are easy to pick. If you had long enough claws, you could do it." Having memorized Doctor Dillamond's desk, she quickly found her pick: a paper clip.

"This will work," she narrated, more for her own sake that the Cub's. "You just have to align the pins right, and the lock will open right up…" The lock, maybe but the cage extended beyond those bars. Already, Mr. Gnarp was beginning to realize he'd been duped; Galinda had managed to wiggle free of Boq, minus a shoe; Nessa had returned to writing "Mrs. Nessa Boq" in her history notebook; and Avaric…

Was staring right at her. And not in the creepy romantic way either. Just the creepy way.

She jiggled the paper clip even harder into the lock. If only she'd listened more carefully to Galinda's lectures on makeovers; then at least she might have a proper hair clip on her at all times. Frex, too, should have instilled that habbit in her. Hadn't she learned anything from anyone?

Almost having calmed the class, Gnarp began to turn towards her. Elphaba slid the clip in one last time, praying she'd hear a satisfying "click!"

Instead, the clip gave her a pitiful "crunch" as it snapped in half from her efforts. She didn't have time to despair. An arm pulled her away from the cage, and she winced, preparing for her punishment.

Instead, she only heard Fiyero's voice. "Well?"

Her eyes widened incredulously. "Why did you pull me away? I was almost…"

"Going to get yourself arrested? Yeah, I noticed." Elphaba pouted, but Fiyero continued, "Either you did it or you didn't. But you weren't going to get anywhere with half a paper clip and the entire class scrutinizing you."

"I would have had it!" she hissed. "If only you'd told me about your stupid scheme, I could have…"

"Let him fight his own battles."

"That's… what?"

Fiyero pointed at the cage. "Look."

She did. The Cub stared back at her, undaunted, his paw pressed against the lock. Elphaba squinted to make out what he was doing, then widened her eyes in disbelief.

The half of a paper clip may have been useless to her, but his little paws had no problem pressing it further into the lock. Still…

"He can't align the pins," she told Fiyero. "He doesn't have thumbs."

Fiyero raised his eyebrows. "And here I thought you wanted the Animals to be able to do everything."

"This is different! It's anatomically impossible for him to pick a lock, just like it's impossible for us to fly."

"Really," Fiyero replied skeptically. "Then tell me, where'd the Cub go?"

"What?" Elphaba glanced back at the cage only to find the Cub had disappeared, leaving only an ajar door. "How…?" She glanced around the room in vain. The Cub was gone.

And they weren't the only ones to notice. Gnarp's voice rang above the crowd. "Where is it?"

"We've spent the last five minutes looking for it," Nessa yawned, bored. "Who really wants to find a whatever-it-was anyway?"

The class rumbled with agreement as Gnarp snapped, "The Lion! Where did it go?"

"That thing was a Lion?" Galinda shrieked. "Sweet Lurline, my hair is ruined for LIFE!"

"You!" Gnarp pointed at Fiyero. "This is your fault!"

Fiyero folded his arms in a rather threatening manner. "Look, pal, I couldn't help it if a vicious snake mistook me for its mate!"

"Yeah!" Avaric shouted. Elphaba winced, waiting for him to tell them what he had seen and ruin everything. To her surprise, he only jumped to Fiyero's defense. "Even Indiana Jones is scared of snakes!"

"Besides, Elphaba would never let a piranha loose in the classroom," Galinda argued. "She loves Animals so much, she wouldn't be able to bear if it got arrested for eating one of us!"

"Right!" Fiyero agreed. "And for your information, I'm deathly allergic to tarantulas!"

Gnarp's head looked like it was going to explode. "What exactly what it you saw?"

"Um…"

"It was probably the Cub," Elphaba stepped in. She glared at Gnarp. "I don't think your cage works the way it's supposed to."

"Impossible," Gnarp scoffed. "It's not the cage that's at fault!"

"You're right," Nessa agreed. "It's it's maker!"

"Yeah!" Boq declared. "Don't you think so, Miss Galinda?"

"All I know is that when my parents hear about this, they are so going to sue!" Galinda snapped. "You'd better be ready to pay for my wardrobe AND all the dry cleaning fees AND the therapy I'm going to have to take for the REST OF MY LIFE!"

"B-but," Gnarp stuttered, overwhelmed. "I didn't…"

"Is something the matter?" a voice boomed from the doorway. The class turned to find the headmistress emerging from the shadows, wearing a deep frown.

"Mr. Gnarp tried to kill us with his Lion!" Galinda shouted.

"This is all a misunderstanding, Headmistress," Gnarp said, gesturing to the cage.

Morrible's eyes widened in rage. "You're right," she replied, "I don't understand. Where is the Lion?"

"It's… well, you see, it…"

"Mr. Gnarp?"

"IT DISAPPEARED!" he fumed. "One of your students must have sabotaged the cage…"

"Must have?" Morrible repeated. "You mean to say you didn't actually see them do it?"

"Well… not with my eyes, but…"

"Meaning that it is possible that all the funding you have received from the school, from my personal collection, has been an UTTER WASTE OF TIME?" Gnarp blubbered wordlessly as Morrible drew closer. "For shame," she hissed. "If only your little contraption worked; then we could throw you in it." She gestured to the guards, who had returned. "Take him to his laboratory. His superior will deal with him."

"Wait! No!" Gnarp called, struggling against the guards. "It works, I swear! It was her!" He pointed to Elphaba. "She did it!"

Morrible peered at Fiyero. "Miss Elphaba?"

"Are you kidding?" Fiyero scoffed. "I'm just the one who noticed that Fiyero kept kicking my foot, only it wasn't Fiyero, it was something furry and… ugh…" He shuddered.

"Yeah, she was with Gnarp the entire time," Galinda testified. "It couldn't have been her."

"It had to be!" Gnarp protested. "Lion cubs don't just disappear into thin air!"

Funny. Hadn't that been what he was trying to do to it?

"Take him away," Morrible ordered.

Gnarp pailed. "No! IT WAS ELPHABA!" He kicked and screamed as he was dragged out of the classroom, "IT WAS ELPHABAAAAAA!"

"Jeesh," Fiyero scoffed. "He's as bad at pronouncing names as Doctor Dillamond. It's Elphaba, not ElphaBAAAA!"

"Indeed," Morrible agreed. "Both are utterly unsuited for this job." She waited. "Well? Class dismissed! Oh, and Master Fiyero," she grabbed Elphaba's arm before she could dash for the exit. "Don't forget about your detention tonight."

Fiyero joined Elphaba as she exited the room. "Was that awesome or what?"

"I must have aligned the pins," she sniffed. "The clip broke, but the part that was stuck inside had opened the lock."

"Sure." Fiyero rolled his eyes. "Take all the magic out of it."

"There wasn't any magic," Elphaba argued.

"And yet he escaped," Fiyero mused. "Maybe there are some things that don't need magic. Maybe some things are magic already."

Elphaba nodded mindlessly, not really listening to his rambling. "Do you think he'll be okay?"

"Probably not," Fiyero answered.

She stepped on his foot.

"Hey! I'm just being honest," he protested. "It's gonna be hard. But… I think he'll be the better for it."

"Oh yeah?"

"Well, my life was easy as can be, and look how I turned out!"

For the first time that day, possibly the first time in many days, Elphaba genuinely laughed. It sounded much purer when it wasn't cruel, like that of her classmates, or forced, like she'd learned to imitate them. Instead, it was a free sound that she didn't control yet that didn't control her either. And… it hurt.

"You're bleeding," Fiyero realized, grabbing her arm.

Elphaba stared at the wound. "It must have scratched me."

"Yeah," Fiyero agreed, staring not at the wound but at Elphaba's eyes. "Or maybe scratched you or something."

xXx

They thought they were punishing her by making her scrub floors, but back in her Cinderelphie days, scrubbing floors had been her metaphorical naptime. No one wanted to dirty their hands with the job, so she was never disturbed, and she was used to being on her knees anyway.

They didn't understand that it wouldn't be dirtying their hands; the suds cleaned them, even if they stung a bit. Unfortunately, the green layer of dirt that covered her skin was impervious to the water, and although Elphaba scrubbed until the floor became a mirror, her only result was a green mask staring back at her.

Tonight was different. Tonight, a handsome prince was watching her labors, and no matter how she tried to drown him with the suds, he too refused to wash away.

Maybe she should have taken interpersonal lessons from her mirror when she was younger. No wonder Galinda smiled into them so much. If you glare at it, it glares back, but if you smile, it's supposed to smile. But the green was always glaring.

The prince was still staring. Only this time, he was green.

"How long have you been watching me?" Elphaba demanded, not pausing her work.

"How long have you been watching me?" he smirked.

"Quite a lot, lately," Elphaba replied, "particularly in front of mirrors."

"Me too!" Fiyero replied, a little too enthusiastically. "I mean, what else would you use a mirror for?"

"Killing ants with sunbeams?" Elphaba suggested.

"And you wonder why I'm here to help you?"

"You're here to help?" She frowned. True, Morrible had assigned him to detention too, but she'd had him cleaning latrines for three hours already. No matter how much she felt Elphaba was at fault, there was no way she'd favorite her over Fiyero, even if Fiyero did happen to be her at the moment.

Fiyero, however, stood there with a cheerful grin, as if cleaning was an obvious hobby of his. "Of course. I even brought my own supplies." Her rather smart yet hideous hat covered his hand like a puppet.

Elphaba raised her eyebrows. "Wiping the floor with my favorite hat is helping me how?"

"Two heads are better than one."

"Considering you don't have a brain, it's a moot point," Elphaba replied. "No wonder you're failing math."

Fiyero slumped next to her. "You're not very nice, you know that?"

She almost made a remark about his babyish sensitivity before she realized he was being serious. "I wouldn't want to stand out more than I already do."

"There are nice people in the world, Elphaba. There's Boq, Galinda…" He hestitated before adding, an almost inaudible, "…me…"

"Boq's a munchkin," Elphaba replied, "Galinda tried to embarrass me in front of everyone for a month, and I do believe the first words out of your mouth when you saw me were racist remarks."

"That was me being dumb, not mean. And being green isn't racist!"

"Well, you try being green!"

"I am!" For a second, Fiyero looked truly angry, like she'd never seen him. Of course, she didn't realize it right away; it was such a common expression on her own face, after all, although she hadn't realized that either. Her expression softened- both versions of her- as Fiyero shook his head. "And honestly? It's not that bad."

No wonder she was always angry. "How can you say that?" she grit. "You have no idea…"

"Because I'm stupid?" Fiyero cut in. "And because I will never, no matter what I do to prove it to you otherwise, have a brain? Or because you won't tell me? I've literally walked in your shoes for two days, Elphaba, and you know what? I'm no closer. Not to…" He cleared his throat. "It's just… I think I get why no one knows what happened."

"Because no one thinks you'd cheat on Galinda, that's why," Elphaba snapped. "Not even me. In fact…"

"I wasn't talking about the kiss!" Fiyero shouted. "The kiss exemplifies everything that makes you think I'm brainless. It was stupid, it was wrong. I don't know what I was thinking, reacting like that."

"That makes two of us," Elphaba shot back.

"And it's no wonder!" Fiyero snapped. "No wonder no one knows anything! It's because no one knows who you are! Maybe they notice a difference, but how can they know for sure, when they never knew what was there to begin with?"

"And why would anyone know me?" Elphaba replied. "They know so much already, just by looking at me…"

"And because of it, you make the same assumption that they do," Fiyero said. "You shut down. You never tell anyone anything."

"How would you know?"

"Who knows about the milkweed?"

She opened her mouth to retort before his words truly sunk in. _The milkweed. _The reason everyone should hate her. Not because she was green. _Because I'm a murderer._ "Well, obviously you know."

"Nessa told me."

"Well, I'm sorry she had to resort to guilt tripping to get what she wanted, but…"

"No. It wasn't to guilt me. It was because she needed to talk about it to someone. To be angry at someone besides herself, and to get rid of that anger. To forgive me-you- and to ask for forgiveness. If either of you ever needed it in the first place."

"Exactly," Elphaba replied. "So why should I talk about it? It's like the bump on your head. Everyone already sees the consequences. It doesn't mean you need to go preaching about your mistakes. And you're sure one to talk. If even half of the rumors you brag about are true, then I'll reduce my favorite hat to a common rag gladly."

"That's different," Fiyero protested. "That's what other people say about me. It's like if I only judged you from that burn book everyone made about you, 'Veggie Tales'."

"Everyone, Fiyero?" Elphaba sneered. "Or didn't you write the section on spinach?"

"I…"

"If you think I have identity problems, just think of yourself. Not that you ever don't…"

"I…"

"Everyone seems to think you're the stereotypical factory built prince. Only you seem to have some pretentious notion that…"

"Do you ever stop talking?" Fiyero demanded.

"Oh, so I talk too much now?" Elphaba snapped.

"Yes, you do!" Fiyero fumed. "But none of it means anything. It's all for other people. None of it is for you. And I think it's because you yourself don't even know!"

"OH, YEAH?" Sick of picking a fight, Elphaba resorted to a technique well-proven to freeze men in their tracks, a technique both Boq and Avaric had unintentionally volunteered themselves as test subjects for.

She dumped her bucket of water on him. The satisfying torrent poured down, likely ruining her favorite hat in the process, but she didn't care. Everything could melt away for all she cared. It'd be better if everything was that simple. And in the end, everything did; dripping wet, all that was left was the green skin.

Oh, and one pissed Fiyero. But who looked beyond the green anyway?

"Fine," he said bitterly. "I guess everyone knows who the real you is after all." Wringing out her hat, he shoved it on his head defiantly before storming off.

"Why did you even bother coming?" she shouted after him.

He paused by the doorway, daring to face her. Droplets fell like tears down his cheeks, and for a second, she wondered if his anger was merely mask a sadness no one was ready to understand. "Because you don't have to fight your own battles."

* * *

**Initially, I had planned to have Fiyero come and help her with awkward romance in the air, but then they just started fighting. But I suppose they have to duke out some issues before they can get along, and really, I'm rather terrible at writing a likable Elphaba for some reason. Maybe because she's not exactly likable, just slightly endearing with all of her struggles. Anyway, hope you enjoyed, and I'll try to write the next chapter for spring break!  
**


	17. I'll Be Boq

**Disclaimer: **I may be wicked for keeping you waiting for months on end, but I do not own Wicked.

**Notes: **I yet again apologize for the long wait. The story's not dead, it's just there are so many other alive stories that I've chosen to focus on my original stories (and school). Reviewer extraordinaire DorothyinWonderland is turning out to be the angel on my shoulder- her encouraging reviews keep this fic going. And no, your eyes are not deceiving you- we actually are reaching some sort of a plot, if soap operaesque, unlike the plotless banter in the flashback chapters.

And yes, I did import a few inventions from our world into Oz. Not the first time it's been done, and given the title of the chapter I couldn't resist.

xXx

Elphaba had left the faucet on again. Or at least, that was Galinda's first thought as she squirmed beneath her covers, sleep cruelly driven away by the persistent _throps_.

Galinda would have snapped at Elphie to turn it off, but come to think of it, Elphie sounded pretty upset about it herself…

Oh. It was _that _kind of Thropp.

"Elphie?" Galinda poked her head out of her covers. "Are you crying?"

The green girl lifted her head from her cocoon for moment. "I don't know. I thought this might classify as sobbing, or even weeping. But yes, for our purposes, I'm crying." Then, she buried her head back in her hands and resumed her tears.

Galinda wondered if she'd fallen asleep after all, and the stupid faucet was controlling her dreams. She repeated, "You're crying?"

Elphaba poked her head up again. "Yes. But it's okay; I've seen the diagrams. 75% of our body is filled with water. I'm only expelling a fraction of that. And I'll probably lose some weight too, while I'm at it. Why?"

"Nothing. I just thought that water melt… never mind." Galinda stepped out of her covers and went to hug Elphaba, who peered at her curiously.

"What are you doing?"

"You're crying," Galinda answered simply.

"Well, I know what _I'm _doing," Elphaba said. "What are you trying to do, cover the leak?"

"You've never heard of a hug?" Galinda pulled back as Elphaba stared blankly at her. "It's what friends do."

"Oh." And then, "I don't understand."

"What don't you understand?"

"I don't think I have any friends."

"Elphie!"

At the name, Elphaba burst into a renewed set of tears. "She hates me!"

"Who hates you, Elphie?"

"I do!" Elphaba sobbed.

Galinda's eyes widened. "Oh my Oz, you're not planning to kill yourself, are you?"

Elphaba blinked. "Actually, come to think of it, I probably am…" Seeing Galinda's face, she hastily added, "Don't worry, so far the only idea that's sprung to mind is dumping a bucket of water on myself."

"Don't wear white!" Galinda advised. Elphaba stared at her dubiously. "Gah!" Galinda shrieked. "What am I saying?"

"I know, seriously, white clashes with green," Elphaba agreed helpfully.

"Red clashes with green," Galinda said sternly. She studied her friend carefully, wondering if this- whatever this was- was the source behind Elphaba's strange behavior lately, or rather, her different behavior, since anyone who read the dictionary for fun was automatically strange. "Elphie… is there something you need to tell me?"

"Yes," Elphaba said. "No. Not me."

"There's something someone else has to tell me?"

"Yes."

"That's wonderful!" Galinda squealed, shaking Elphaba until she was dizzy. "Remember, Elphie? Telling secrets is the first lesson in popularity!"

"Great," Elphaba sounded disinterestedly.

Galinda waited. "Well?"

"Wait, I'm supposed to tell you too?"

"Yes!"

"Uh…" Elphaba's eyes flickered up, as if she were walking through that Google in her mind. Galinda still wasn't quite sure what a "Google" was that Elphaba had spoken of earlier, but she had gotten more than a little worried when Elphaba had hastily explained that Fiyero had told her about it. "Milkweed does not taste like milk."

"OH, ELPHIE!" Galinda hugged her harder. "Your mother's death anniversary is coming up isn't it?"

"Uh…"

"No wonder you've been acting so strange! It's the undiscovered sixth stage of grief!"

"Uh…"

"Don't worry, Elphie, we can throw a party in honor of your mother's memory!"

In response, Elphaba slapped her. "Of course we'll throw a party! My mother's death anniversary is more commonly referred to as Nessa's birthday!"

It was Galinda's turn to sound dumbly, "Uh…"

Elphaba noticed the disheartened look in her eyes. "Don't worry, I'm not mad. The slap was just to get you to shut up." She shifted positions, then glanced at Galinda expectantly. "So, what do you think? Pink streamers?"

"Excuse me?"

"For the party."

"Right now, I'm more concerned about the streamers running down your face." Elphaba looked confused. "Elphie, it's okay to have a random break-down every once in a while."

For some reason, that made Elphaba ecstatic. "Do you think that was what it was?"

Galinda frowned. As smart as her friend was, she really lacked emotional observation skills. "What else would it be?"

"Well, I was thinking unadulterated loathing, but come to think of it, it was probably just the irresistible manly urge to pick fights, like that girly hormonal urge to make everything right by bawling your eyes out. Heck, I'll probably get a thank you in the morning!"

Galinda's eyes widened, realizing that "that" had not been referring to Elphaba's break-down, but the source of it, which Galinda now planned to break down. "Oh my Oz! Elphie, was it Avaric? Did he hit you?"

"Well, he hit on me. Does that count?"

"Don't look so traumatized," Galinda scoffed. Then, remembering that the girl had just been crying- whether about her mother or not- she amended, "On second thought, you don't look traumatized enough. I've never seen you cry before."

"Well, you don't look too chipper yourself," Elphaba snapped back defensively.

Galinda sighed. "It's just… Fiyero."

"What?" Elphaba whirled her head around. "Fiyero's not here. Unless you were calling me Fiyero. Which I'm clearly not. I'm green, and I have very female organs. See?"

Thankfully, the "see" apparently referred to Elphaba's green hands, since she didn't start stripping. Galinda shuddered at the thought, more evidence of Elphaba's bizarre behavior. "No, no, Fiyero's the problem."

"Ha! You can say that again."

"Elphie!"

"Well, it's true!" Elphaba cried. "Galinda, he…" She paused, mulling over her words. Galinda was ready with a slap, in case anything incriminating came out. "You always assumed you loved him. You assumed you'd grow up, and marry, and have beautiful children. But are you sure that's what you really want?"

"Of course it's what I want!" Galinda scoffed, her heart beating fast in her chest.

"Are you sure?" Elphaba's gaze was penetrating, but she couldn't look away. Had Elphaba's eyes always been a bright blue? No, of course they weren't blue; they were a deep brown, as always. "Maybe you'd be better off without him. As a lover, I mean. Maybe… you're just not meant for each other."

"That's an awful lot of maybe's," Galinda accused, folding her arms. "Doesn't that defy that scientific method you're so fond of?"

"But it's not that kind of chemistry," Elphaba argued.

"So what are you trying to say? That he doesn't love me?"

"Yes. No." Elphaba bit her lip. "Galinda, don't ask me how I know this, I just do. Fiyero's always going to love you. But maybe like a brother loves his sister."

Those were the last words she wanted to hear from Elphaba. Because Elphaba was so smart, she'd never been wrong before. Because Elphaba wasn't prettier than her, but she was more beautiful, especially to someone with the right, bright blue eyes. And because Elphaba, for all her smarts, just didn't know. Not that. Or the situations behind Galinda's romantic life. _I didn't exactly lie when we exchanging our deepest, darkest secrets. It was more of a litote._

"How could you know?" Galinda demanded bitterly.

Elphaba sighed. "See, that was why I prefaced it with the 'don't ask me how I know…' Listen, Galinda. That secret I was talking about before? It's Fiyero's secret, not mine. And he wants to tell you. So badly. But he can't. Not yet, or… it could hurt someone else."

"Oh, so he could tell you?"

"No!" Elphaba said quickly. "No, she… I don't know what it is. He hasn't told me. But you know Fiyero. If something's on his mind, he has to let it out. So he told me a bunch of hypothetical nonsense that really didn't make much sense, except for the fact that he has something to tell you. But not now. Not for a while, actually. He has to wait for something to happen."

_And he's not the only one_, Galinda thought. Nothing had happened between them in the past few days, but forcing anything would only make it hurt worse. Out loud, she said, "I understand. Maybe I've got something to tell him too."

Elphaba frowned. "I thought you weren't too fond of the word maybe."

"I'm not."

Elphaba waited. "Well?"

"Wait, I'm supposed to tell you?" Galinda teased. "It's a secret, remember?"

She lumbered off to her bed, taking refuge under her covers before she heard a soft voice, as if speaking to no one. "Then what are best friends for?"

Galinda didn't answer. She pretended sleep had taken her, and she was in a dream world. Because maybe- that fragile word again- maybe she was.

Galinda thought back to Elphaba's words. _That girly hormonal urge to make everything right by bawling your eyes out… _ But what if it worked? What if it did make everything right again? What if it did make Fiyero escort her to every class, and tell lame jokes to her, and ask what in Ozma's name was division?

_You and me right now_, she'd answer, because that was how she felt. She didn't know what integer they were being divided by, but she only prayed it wasn't a female one. Like the water that streaked down her cheeks, obscuring her vision until sleep took over, the snake necklace still clasped preciously in her fingers.

xXx

Fiyero sighed. Had he been in his right mind, he'd never have had that conversation with Galinda. No- if he'd been in his right mind, he'd be able to have that conversation with her. To politely break-up without shedding blame on Elphaba.

It was hard to blame anyone in this situation. He shouldn't have kissed Elphaba, not without telling Galinda. But at the same time, he couldn't tell Galinda without kissing Elphaba and knowing for sure. There was no getting back together once broken apart. It'd take a black hole to make the break-up possible, anyway.

And a black hole had come. Elphaba had sucked him in, and she didn't even know it. Granted, maybe she'd sucked him in a little too far, like, into her body, but that wasn't the point. He knew he wanted to love her for the rest of his life, and not just love her. Comfort her. Protect her. Listen to her. Follow her. Die with her.

It hadn't made much sense at first. At first, he'd thought it had been some strange playboy fetish that had him attracted to her. But then, before he'd even realized how perfectly beautiful she truly was, he realized why his IQ fell into the negatives around her and why he bothered attending history class. She was everything he was missing. She was intelligent. She was strong. She was powerful. She was brave. The only thing she wasn't was his.

He'd intentionally omitted "beautiful" from the list, although she was that too. He was already handsome; and he didn't need to be with someone exactly like himself. That was the problem with Galinda. Although she was undoubtedly smarter than him and had her own share of dreams, she was too much like him. She was popular and charming and loving. The perfect princess. And that's not what Fiyero wanted his bride to be.

He wanted someone to stand up against the wrongs in the kingdom. He wanted someone to stand up to him and keep him in line, not lie for him. He wanted someone who would know what to do in a crisis. He wanted someone who wouldn't place themselves on a pedestal despite their status but who would place their citizens on that pedestal and serve their needs. Basically, he wanted Elphaba.

The harder part was getting Elphaba to want him. In his dreams, he saw himself soothing her into sharing her dreams and taking the credit she deserved. He saw himself leading her through his castle all while following her bidding, making it a public building. He saw himself stroking her hair out of her face as she expelled all the sadness and cruelty everyone had thrust upon her in her life as she cried in his shoulder.

But those were only dreams, and he wasn't dreaming now. Now, only nightmares came to mind. Nightmares, better known as someone else's dream that he danced through. He knew, someday or another, he'd have to face the choice: wake up to Elphaba's harsh reality, or stay in the dreamy coma he'd always known.

_Don't wish_, he scolded himself._ Don't start. Wishing only ruins the heart._

Right now, he was that girl, and because of it, he'd never win her heart.

xXx

"_Popular! You're gonna be popular! I'll teach you the proper ploys when you talk to boys, little ways to flirt and flounce!_"

"Um, Elphaba?"

"What?"

Boq stared back up at Fiyero despondently, a sagging flower falling out of his hair. "This isn't working."

Fiyero rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine, it should be 'girls,' but trying to positively rhyme with girl is trying to rhyme with orange!"

"It's not you, it's me."

"Oz, Boq, what did I just teach you? That is the most overused, parodied break-up line ever!"

"No, I mean, you're not a bad teacher. I'm just pathetic."

"Some girls like pathetic!"

"Exactly," Boq replied. "I'm not good at sports, and I don't know what shoes to wear, since apparently snowshoes went out of style years ago, and there's no slang in my vocabulary since you just told me that 'tetrahydrocannabinol' was not slang for marijuana…"

"Your point?"

"Maybe Galinda doesn't want someone as popular as her," Boq said. "Maybe she wants someone smaller, who's there for her outside the spotlight, who believes in her. And I don't have to be popular to do that."

Fiyero frowned at the munchkin's line of thought. It was easy to say words like those, especially after their failures in the last hour, but meaning them was hard, and following through even harder yet when chasing a wonderful girl like Galinda. "Then what will you be?"

He looked up at Fiyero thoughtfully. "I'll be Boq."

Fiyero snickered in response.

Boq looked hurt. "I'm stronger than I look, you know. You never had to act as a stepstool in the boy's restroom." He sighed. "Popular people like Fiyero never had the brains to understand that what people like us called them didn't mean 'handsome.' And people like them never had the brains to stop name-calling."

"I wasn't laughing at you!" Fiyero snorted, struggling to contain himself despite Boq's morbid mood. "It's just, when you said, 'I'll be Boq,' it sounded like 'I'll be back' with a thick foreign accent, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator."

"You watch Terminator?" Boq asked incredulously.

"You watch Terminator?" Fiyero countered, equally shocked.

"Of course I do!" Boq snapped, before revising, "Well, only the first ones. The TV series only got exciting after they cancelled it."

"You've got that right, bud!" Fiyero declared. "I wrote them like a million letters protesting it, trying to irritate them into redoing it, but then I checked eBay and found they were only using them to become millionaires selling my signatures."

"How come you didn't sign my petition?" Boq demanded.

"I thought you were handing me a form for permission to terminate people!" Fiyero laughed. "Wow, Boq, I thought you only watched boring documentaries about school stuff!"

"Are you kidding?" Boq scoffed. "Those are never available, since you've always got those checked out."

Fiyero chuckled. "So I did think you were stronger than you looked when I laughed. Just, Terminator strong."

Boq grinned toothily. "You think that's enough to win Galinda's heart?"

Fiyero shrugged. "Well, as they say…" Grinning, Boq joined him in quoting geekily, "There is no fate but what we make!"

"High five!" Fiyero declared, holding his hand low enough so Boq could slap it without jumping up. When their hands made contact, Fiyero closed his fingers, trapping Boq's hand. Boq looked frightened for a moment before Fiyero started shaking it vigorously, in which case Boq became more confused than anything. "It's a truce, mini-man," Fiyero explained. "You're free to date Galinda."

"Because I watch Terminator?" Boq asked, still confused.

"Because of what you said before," Fiyero replied. "She could use someone adoring like you, who doesn't like the spotlight. It'll just make her shine brighter."

Although, Fiyero doubted anything could shine brighter than Boq's grin in that moment. Until Nessa burst in, that is.

"You're taking me to the dance!" she declared.

Fiyero looked horrified. "Nessa, that's incestuous! And when did you become a lesbian anyway?"

Nessa rolled her eyes as she rolled over. "I was asking Boq, Elphaba, not you."

Clearly, her definition of asking was right there with the way Galinda had asked him. In declarative format. "But- but what if Boq already has a date?" Fiyero demanded. "Did you think about that?"

Nessa glared at him before noticing Boq looking away embarrassedly for the first time. "What were you two doing in here anyway?" She glanced around. "Skanky clothes. Stilettos. Pink flowers. Oh my Unnamed God, Elphaba, please say you didn't!"

"Um… you didn't?"

Nessa slapped him. "How could you? You know how I feel about Boq!"

"It was an accident!" Fiyero cried defensively. "I didn't know Galinda's popularity handbook was gender specific!"

"That's no excuse!" Nessa snapped. "How does that even relate to Boq cheating on me with you?"

"What?" Fiyero shook his head. "No, no, no, I'm dating Avaric, not Boq. Remember? I only accidentally dressed Boq up like a transvestite!"

"What?" Nessa squinted, studying the scene. "You did what?"

"Er, I accidentally made him appear more female than he already looks through the use of stilettos and flowery perfume?"

To his surprise, Nessa laughed. "You really thought I was a lesbian and tried to make Boq suit my needs? God, Elphaba, it's nice to know you'd go to those lengths for me. But next time? Just ask."

Fiyero and Boq exchanged a nervous glance, as if to reaffirm that this was their new cover story. "B-but I thought there was some sort of don't ask, don't tell policy," Fiyero stammered.

"That's in the military," Nessa explained. "Besides, there's a dating policy that transcends that."

"And that would be?"

Nessa snatched Boq away. "Never steal someone else's boyfriend." She let go of the munchkin, who looked terrified. "Now, come Boq. You can help me decide what I should wear, and if you're luckily, you can be the one who assists dressing me!"

Fiyero winced as Nessa dragged the poor boy away. He'd better find Nessa a damned good birthday present, or she might just have to turn to Boq. And then there was no telling how he was going to make sure Galinda was in worthy munchkin hands.

xXx

For now, it appeared, his own hands would have to suffice, as he brushed her hair, complimented her skin complexion, unclasped her necklace. Frowned.

"You sure you want to take this off?" he asked, staring at the familiar wood snake.

Galinda fingered it and smiled sadly before slipping it over his neck. "You left it in the library. I thought I might borrow it for a while, since Fiyero did give it to me after all. Between you and me, he has no sense of fashion. Does he want the snake to glare at everyone who looks at my breasts?"

Fiyero winced at the slight, although he had intended the snake to glare at everyone. Except for one special person. "So you gave it to me?"

Galinda shrugged. "Don't take it personally. I just… thought it looked right on you. Why are you smiling?"

He was spared answering by a single knock at the door before the person burst in the room.

"Fiyero!" Galinda scolded. "I could have been naked!" Then she noticed the roses in his- or rather, Elphaba's- hand. "Oh! Fiyero, those are beautiful!"

"They're for Elphaba," Elphaba said quickly, recoiling.

Fiyero nearly had a heart attack. Was Elphaba confessing her undying love to him? Or was she just trying to get him in trouble with Galinda so she could skip her date?

"As an apology," Elphaba clarified, bursting Fiyero's metaphorical (as opposed to Galinda's literal) bubble. "For, uh, last night." She shuffled her feet, looking away as she extended the roses towards him.

Clearly, Elphaba wasn't flawless at everything. Fiyero's bubble re-inflated as he realized what this effort meant to Elphaba. And to him. That she cared enough to try something she thought she'd fail at. He smiled as he took the flowers gingerly and smelled them- just in case she was really trying to poison him or make him fall asleep from their poppy-like scent.

Galinda's hands were on her hips as she glared at Elphaba in accusation. "Is this why she was crying last night?"

"You were crying?" Elphaba sounded incredulously, a giggle seeping through her tone.

Fiyero glared back in a very Elphaba-esque manner. "You were trying to apologize?"

"Right," Elphaba coughed, glancing uncomfortably towards Galinda who gave him a glare that told him she wasn't leaving anytime soon. "It's just, I'm used to having to be defensive, because of my… hideous past misdemeanors."

_Note to self: teach Elphaba not to apologize by insulting her victim_, Fiyero thought.

"And I've been so angry lately- again because of said hideous past misdemeanors- and I had to let it out. And you were there."

Fiyero raised his eyebrows dubiously. "So you called me a pretentious stereotypical factory built you-know-what because I was there?"

"Fiyero!" Galinda scolded. Elphaba looked away embarrassedly as Galinda continued, "But you forgive him, don't you Elphie? He probably didn't even know what any of those words meant!"

"You're right," Fiyero grit, forcing Elphaba to look him in the eye. "I don't think he knew what those words meant to me at all."

"And I'm sorry!" Elphaba protested, irritated. "What more do you want me to do?"

Oh, there was a lot Fiyero wanted her to do. But not through blackmail. "You could be nicer, in the future," Fiyero suggested. "Not necessarily to me. I don't mind being a punching bag. But there are other people who don't deserve that." He looked up at her. "You don't deserve that."

Elphaba looked away, mumbling quietly, "You don't deserve it either."

Galinda had ceased paying attention to their conversation and had turned towards Elphaba, leaning her head against her shoulder and smiling lovingly. Elphaba struggled to conceal a horrified expression.

Fiyero grinned at her effort. "Hey, at least it meant I got these awesome roses to wear."

"Are you kidding?" Elphaba scoffed. "Those are for you to give to Avaric. I figured he'd forget to wear a corsage."

Had Galinda not been coddling Elphaba intently, it would have been Elphaba who wore the flowers when Fiyero threw them in her face.

* * *

**I'm really hoping for a faster update this time, although as I write each chapter seems to turn into a monster chapter. This one was actually shorter than I intended (if you can call 4,000 words short), but the next one should make up for it. You'll finally see the party that everyone was talking about three days ago in story-time and over two years ago in real time! Until then, I much appreciate comments/suggestions/even criticisms!**


	18. Fruit Punched

**Disclaimer:** Me owning Wicked would be real fan fiction.

**Notes: **Well, it took a month to write, but this is a monster, twenty page chapter, so hopefully your patience will be rewarded! (Especially since a month is fast for me.) By being patient, I also mean waiting for the Fiyeraba action, other than lovers' sprawls and internal laments. It's gonna happen eventually. I'm not guaranteeing it'll last forever (WHAT?), and almost all other pairings are up for grabs, so feel free to comment on who you think would go well together. I'm only mentioning it since this is the party chapter- lots of shipping going on.

Also, I know in a previous chapter, I may have said something about Avaric's backstory that contradicts this chapter, but if I did, I'm sure you've forgotten it after so long, so just stick with what's in this chapter, and I'll edit the earlier chapters later. (Obviously, you've figured out this isn't Bookverse Avaric.)

Warning: Some swearing. Nothing that's censored on TV, though, as proved by Norbert Leo Butz's marvelous "Don't Break the Rules" and Spring Awakening's "Bitch of Living."

xXx

Fiyero Tiggular had just committed murder.

His hands were stained red with blood, as opposed to Elphaba's natural emerald stain. Actually, they looked much like a Lurlinemas tree, seeing as Elphaba's hands were his hands, blood splattering the surface of his skin. He'd almost expected her blood to be dark green like her skin before remembering that that was Vulcans, even if she was smart enough to be one.

He didn't want her getting framed, as she surely would with all of the blood evidence he'd left behind. Still, the murder was her fault. She'd given him the roses to give to Avaric, after all. Surely she knew roses had thorns, sharp enough not only to pierce someone's skin, but someone's heart.

_Avaric deserved what he got_, he thought as he watched his own blood drip slowly over his victim.

_So did Elphaba._

_So did you._

Yeah. They deserved each other.

xXx

Two Hours Earlier…

"Skank."

"Whore."

"Hooker."

"Slut."

"Harlot."

"Bitch!"

Fiyero's eyes widened as the word flew out of his mouth. Granted, he'd meant it as the dirty equivalent to "Dear Old Shiz!", but come to think of it, it did describe what he saw in front of him.

Elphabitch. If she acted like it, she might as well dress like it. Unlike the others he'd stolen from Galinda's wardrobe, this dress was just low enough to be not a tease but a jeer; it was shorter than a munchkin and far trashier, but trashy in a way that made it plain to everyone that its wearer was pure gold. (Emerald, to be specific.)

He wasn't trying to make her look hideous; if he'd wanted that, he'd wear the same old drab dresses she always hid herself behind. Instead, he was showing the world the true Elphaba, the one she hated because of the unattainable image it held her up to. Bitchy, yes. But beautiful.

And to top it off…

"A ski cap," he declared, modeling it in the mirror. "The earflaps really do bring out my eyes."

Elphaba had already thought Avaric was colorblind for dating her, but Fiyero now had the proof he needed. When Avaric spotted his date, he promptly rammed his car into one of Shiz's vine-draped walls, effectively stopping the vehicle. Didn't he know that green meant go?

Fiyero slid into the passenger seat next to Avaric. "I thought we weren't crashing the party."

Avaric actually could have used a dictionary in mind now as he stuttered mindless nonsense, his eyes bulging at his examination of her. Only when he reached her head was he able to regain his speech: "Are you expecting it to snow?"

"I dunno. Ask Morrible."

Avaric nodded, backing the car up from the wall, the fender crushed and the motor protesting. "You look… um…"

"Bitchy?"

In response, Avaric rammed into a stop sign. "Maybe you should drive."

Well, he'd drive him insane, alright.

xXx

"OH MY OZ! LEFT, LEFT!"

"Right!"

"No, no, I said left!"

"I know you said left, I said right, you're right!"

"My right? There is a solid wall on my right!"

"Are you crazy? I already said you were left… I mean, right!"

"Say it one more time, and you're the one whose gonna get left!"

"You want me to say that you're wrong?"

"Damn straight!"

"You're wrong?"

"No, I'm not- straight, Avaric, STRAIGHT!"

"You're not straight? Wait- you mean you're a lesbian?"

"At this rate, I'm gonna be road kill- WATCH OUT! FLYING MONKEY!"

CRASH!

"False alarm. It was just funny shaped piece of litter."

"YOU'RE GAY?"

"Well, no, this date isn't making me happy at all. In fact, it's the kind of thing that's gonna make me gay- CHIPMONK!"

"Oops. I think that was a real monk. I wonder why he looks so pissed off."

"It's probably my skin."

SCREECH!

"Avaric! You almost hit him!"

"Damn, I missed?"

"It's okay, just open the window. HEY, YOU! MONKY! HERE HAVE SOME MONEY! IT MAKES THINGS BETTER!"

"Huh. It appears you were right about flying monkys."

When they finally arrived at the Ozdust ballroom six trees, two bicycles, and a piece of trash that Fiyero initially mistook for the escaped lion cub later, Avaric chivalrously helped his date out of the car and reached in the pocket of his surprisingly formal tuxedo. "Elphaba, I wanted to make this the perfect date, so I read some of the old classics to see how they did it."

"Classics?"

"You know, _Titanic_, _Romeo and Juliet_, _Wicked_."

"I see. Is that why you were trying to kill us with your driving?"

Instead, he pulled out a rose.

Fiyero's eyes widened. "OH MY OZ! YOU KILLED MY UNCLE!"

"Your uncle?" Avaric gaped at the rose, horrified.

"There's a reason my father named my sister NessaROSE, you know!"

"Oh, god, and I crushed the ant that was crawling in its petals too!"

Fiyero patted Avaric's back mockingly. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Er… is this why you wear black all the time? Because people are constantly spraying pesticide on your relatives?"

"Which is probably the only reason I'd want to marry you," Fiyero growled. "Perhaps you could grace us with a eulogy for my poor Uncle Rose? Wait… Rose is a girl's name. Better make it Bob, my uncle Bob."

Avaric cleared his throat, staring guilelessly into Fiyero's eyes. "Quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

In response, Fiyero slapped him. "I knew it!"

"No, no, no, it's a pick up line!" Avaric protested. "You know, _Gone with the Wind_?"

"Oh, you will be!"

xXx

As she swirled the cherry around her drink, Nessa sighed, staring longingly at her boyfriend, who was staring longingly at the other end of the room. She knew she should have requested a table there; the lighting was so much better. After all, Galinda did seem to glow. "Hey, Boq. What's in the punch?"

"Uh…" Boq squinted, not taking his eyes off the table across the room. "Vodka, I think." His eyes widened as a couple entered the room. Nessa was ready to scold him when she saw it too. "Unnamed God, I thought Galinda was helping her with her fashion sense!"

"Unnamed God, I let her help me with mine!" Boq squeaked. "Er…" His eyes darted between Nessa, the table across the room, and Elphaba. "I'll be Boq- er, back, I'll be back." Before she could question him, he sprinted away to Elphaba's side.

Nessa sighed. _Great. My boyfriend prefers the company of my anti-social, devil-skinned sister to me. Maybe I haven't been putting out enough? I mean, Romeo and Juliet prayed with their lips, right? Right?_

That's how the rest of the evening would go. Everyone playing musical chairs, from Elphaba to Galinda to Avaric to Fiyero to Elphaba again to a random waitress serving punch who got in the way. But never back to her. Everyone else could leave their chairs when the music started back up, but not her. The only difference was, in musical chairs, everyone wanted to be in a chair. In life, no one wanted to be stuck in one. They were all busy dancing through.

Even with shoddy lighting, one thing was perfectly clear.

It must be the supposedly low fat fries that was adding weight on her shoulders.

xXx

Maybe Elphaba was right about one thing: people really were always staring at her. Fiyero shot Elphaba's famous glare at all the onlookers: _She's my girl. Get your own. Yeah, that means you, Shenshen… wait, what?_

He studied Avaric suspiciously. "Didn't you promise to go to the party with whomever won the catfight?" he asked, pointing to Shenshen and Pfannee, who were sending him competing death glares that only made them look like they were experiencing cardiac arrest.

"Nah, I was just saving Fiyero's hide," Avaric chuckled. "Then I pointed them in the direction of that Biq kid, but I guess they decided to just take each other. I wonder what's wrong with their eyes."

"Why would you bother helping Fiyero?" He shot a glare across the room, where Galinda and Elphaba were sitting down to eat.

Avaric noticeably relaxed. "He's a rich, brainless jerk, but you could say the same about me, minus the rich part. Both of us crafted bad reputations for ourselves, but we don't always follow through."

"What do you mean?"

He could tell it irritated Avaric to speak kindly about a potential competitor, but if he didn't answer, he couldn't compliment himself either. "Well, you've heard the rumors about all the girls he's slept with, but don't you think Galinda would dump him if he was that unfaithful? Besides, sex in the headmistress's office with rope, syrup, and a spare car tire?"

"I never did that!"

"Well, of course not, you've been waiting for me to come along," Avaric smiled seductively, grabbing Fiyero's hand.

He let out a small shriek. "Not the skin!"

Terrified of offending her, Avaric let go. "Skin?"

"You know I'm sensitive about the skin, and you go ahead and touch it? I'll have you know, green skin is super… uh, environmentally friendly."

"Huh?"

"Spark Notes Version: no holding hands. No holding anything. In fact, no touching anything at all. We must be separated by ten feet at all times, and…"

"Thank god we use the metric system," Avaric smirked before cutting him off with his lips. Fiyero's eyes widened in horror as Avaric proceeded to give him a full tour of his mouth, which was absolutely traumatizing even if it was tainted with the usual scent of whisky. Even embarrassing Elphaba wasn't worth this, since he was embarrassing himself more than anything.

_On the bright side_, he thought as he shoved Avaric away, _now I know I'm definitely not gay_.

For some reason, Avaric looked disappointed. Fiyero's eyes narrowed. "What? Am I that bad of a kisser?"

"Not enough data."

"Not enough data? I'll have you know, I've kissed people in places that didn't even know existed! People would sell their gold, and their souls, and their favorite shampoo just to kiss me once! And, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-That-Is-Not-Voldemort, once is enough," he groaned, backing away from Avaric, who had regained his smirk.

"Well, then, thanks for giving me a discount," Avaric clucked.

"Uh…" Fiyero scanned the room for a fire alarm he could pull or a pitcher of water he could suicidally dump over his head, or preferably, Avaric's. "I'll be- BOQ!"

Avaric stared after him as he ran for his life, or Elphaba's virginity at least. "Why wouldn't I think you were coming back?"

Fiyero nearly collided with the overwhelmed munchkin, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him as they asked simultaneously, "What do I do?"

"You're being attacked by Avaric's mouth too?" Fiyero gaped.

"What? Do you think Galinda would be impressed if I saved her from it?" Boq asked.

"Um…" Fiyero cast a glance over the munchkin's shoulder at the table across the room where Galinda didn't look very impressed at all. "Tell you what, how about you go have stimulating conversation with Fiyero while I prep Galinda."

"You're doing WHAT with Galinda?" Boq squeaked.

Fiyero ignored the munchkin's outburst. "Do you think I could convince her that Avaric's cheating on me? Hey, maybe she could turn him into a frog!"

"And then you'd be compatible!" Boq shrank back at Fiyero's glare, mumbling something about anatomic impossibilities and the impossibility of him telling a good joke.

"Just follow me, mini-man," Fiyero ordered, dragging the munchkin with him as his stilettos clicked across the dance floor, his eyes targeted on a bubbly blonde and an athletic yet luminous prince.

xXx

"The hors-d'oeuvres look delicious," Galinda commented, her menu laid out in front of her on the table.

Elphaba responded with a disinterested shrug.

The blonde leaned closer. "Don't I look delicious too?"

"I wouldn't know," Elphaba replied nonchalantly, lowering her menu. "I'm not a cannibal."

Galinda squealed, throwing herself at Elphaba, who quickly raised her menu to block the blonde's puckered lips. "Uh… hors d'oeuvres… look at the calories!"

Hastily, Galinda scanned her menu, her eyes widening. "Oz, you're right!"

Elphaba attempted a smile without wincing before ducking behind her menu once more. She'd thought impersonating Fiyero would be easy as impersonating a scarecrow; all she'd have to do was stand there and look dumb. Then, of course, he'd ruined everything by showing her he had character after all. That although he didn't always think, that he was thoughtful. And kind. And charming.

Charming? Charmed, maybe. What wasn't charming was Galinda constantly hanging on her, touching her everywhere except in her heart. The hard part was, there was nothing not to love about Galinda. Like Fiyero, she was smarter than she acted in addition to being charismatic. She'd be more than popular in her future.

_But damn it, I love someone else!_

…_wait, who?_

One person who loved her came to mind, but she shook the adulterous thought away. Galinda and Fiyero deserved each other, and she deserved neither of them.

"Fiyero?" Elphaba peered above her menu to find Boq standing beside Galinda. "Biq wants to speak with you."

"Who?"

"Biq."

"I don't know any Biq's. Could you by any chance be referring to Boq?"

"Boq?" Galinda sounded.

"Yes?" the munchkin squeaked.

"Wait, your name is BOQ?" Galinda screeched. "Sweet Lurline, why in Oz didn't you correct me earlier? Everyone must think I'm really stupid!"

"Not _really_ stupid," Elphaba supplied.

"Actually, because you're so popular, everyone calls me Biq now," Boq replied sheepishly. "They're convinced I don't know my own name."

"How mortifying!" Galinda cried. "I absolutely have to do something about this. Something scandalacious. Something radical."

Boq perked up. "You're going to dance with me?"

"No," Galinda scoffed. "I'm going to change my name!"

"Ch-change your name?" Boq squeaked. "B-but, you're already perfect just as you are."

"Then I'll be more perfect! Besides, maybe this way my hand won't cramp up as much when I'm signing all my fan mail." She cleared her throat, addressing anyone who hadn't already gone deaf from the DJ's songs. "From now on, my name is Glinda," Galinda- or rather, Glinda, declared. "The 'Ga' is silent." She giggled at herself. "What do you think, Fifi?"

"I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of," Elphaba declared.

Glinda frowned. "That means you like the name, right?"

"Actually, I was referring to your nickname for me."

"That's all very nice, but weren't you going to ask Fiyero to dance or something, Boq?" Elphaba groaned as she realized Boq was accompanied by Fiyero, although even knowing they'd switched bodies, she scarcely recognized him beneath the layers of glitter and frilly mesh. He raised his eyebrow at her in greeting, waiting for a reaction to his apparel.

"Wow, you really are trying to dress like a sweet transvestite," Elphaba declared. "And I think that was in last eon's _Fashionozsta_, you really need to read more."

Judging from everyone's pained stares, this was not the anticipated reaction.

"Then again, I do wear gay white tights," she continued.

"They're tight, not tights!" Fiyero protested. "Besides, even those aren't as faux pas as this outfit! Right? Right?"

_Is he proud of his fashion incompetence? _She answered that quickly with a, _Of course he's proud of his incompetence. Life's more painless for the brainless. _Aloud, she said, "Yes, Elphaba, your outfit is a good substitution for Avaricide."

"They sell that?" Fiyero's eyes widened. "I mean- I need to talk to Galinda!"

"Who?" the blonde asked.

"Damn it, you don't know your own name either?"

"Don't you?" Glinda snapped.

"Of course," Fiyero scoffed. "It's AVARIC!"

"Elphie, you're supposed to be smart!" Glinda whined as Fiyero dove under the table. Really, Elphaba should have been insulted that Glinda hadn't noticed her lapse in intelligence until now. Instead, she merely pointed to the man standing behind Glinda, garbed in a formal tux.

Glinda gasped. "No one told me Avaric had a twin brother!"

"Twin?" Avaric scoffed. "I'm one of a kind, baby. Speaking of one of a kind, Galinda, have you seen Elphaba?"

"Nope," the blonde sniffed. "GA-linda hasn't seen Elphaba."

"Damn." Avaric snapped his fingers. "This would be a lot easier if they weren't shining green strobe lights everywhere."

"Check the girl's restroom," Elphaba suggested dryly.

Avaric's eyes lit up. "Hey, that's a good idea!"

Elphaba buried her head in her hands as he dashed off. "Men are so stupid."

"Fiyero, what's up with you always calling yourself stupid?" Boq asked.

Fiyero crawled out from underneath the table, accidently pushing Boq into Elphaba in the process. "Hey, why don't you two talk about esteem issues while I have stimulating conversation with Galinda?"

"It's GLINDA!"

"You're Glinda!" Fiyero shot back.

"Yes!"

"You're yes… oh. Sweet Oz, have I been pronouncing your name wrong this whole time? Am I a moron or what?"

"You're a Mormon?" Glinda asked, confused.

"We are not Mormons!" Nessa's voice shouted from a few tables down. "Boq, what is taking so long with that punch?"

"Trust me, more than one person's been waiting to punch you for a while," Elphaba muttered under her breath.

"One minute!" Boq called to Nessa as he shot Elphaba a quizzical look, then pulled her aside. "So, Fiyero, I just wanted to talk to you about… um… um. Yes, um."

"Um?" Elphaba repeated dubiously.

"Yeah, it's a conjunction."

"It is not!"

"Uh- is too!"

"It is not, um is an interjection representing a hesitation in speech for people who are too unschooled to use words actually in the dictionary…" Elphaba trailed off as the munchkin prodded her on. "No. Um is a distraction. What is Elphaba talking to Glinda about?"

"Er… er!"

"What?"

"No, not what, er!"

"Oh, you're erring alright…"

"I'm not trying to steal your girlfriend!"

"Of course not, since Galinda is in love with me for some reason. I mean, I can't imagine why. It's not like I'm charming, or funny, or, god forbid handsome! Not even my contagious smile. Or my dreamy blue eyes that look like they've captured the sea. And, AND I HAVE STUPID HAIR!" she shouted in Fiyero's direction. Boq was staring at her incredulously, as the entire ballroom would have been had the DJ not been blasting "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" so loudly. "Well?" she demanded. "What do you have to say about that?"

"Er… and how do you feel about that?"

"Feel? I thought I'd grown out of feeling until a certain stupid- Damn it, you're distracting me again!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!"

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you- Boq!"

"What?" the munchkin asked innocently. "I'm not distracting y- ooh, look, shiny thing!"

"Where? No, you know where I'm going? Back to my date!" She stormed off to her table in time to see a frantic Fiyero being dragged away by Avaric. From her booth, Glinda waved at her seductively, patting the spot next to her. She groaned. _Maybe Frex was right, and there is a such thing as hell._

xXx

Fiyero forced a wide grin as he watched Boq escort Elphaba out of earshot. "Hey, Glinda, you know I'm smart, right?"

"Of course," Glinda said with a wink. "And Avaric knows it."

"Right, well, because I'm so smart, I have this brilliant idea!" Fiyero declared. "How about I dump Avaric, and you dump Fiyero?" He grinned as widely as he could, giving her two thumbs up. "It'll be fun."

Glinda giggled. "Your popularity training is going really well, Elphie! I actually understood that joke."

_No_, Fiyero thought_, you really didn't. _Aloud, he said, "You know, there are better solutions to problems than changing one's name." _Since you seem pretty eager to change your last name too._

"I know, but it's so pretty, isn't it?" Glinda said.

"Solutions aren't always pretty," he replied. "Or sometimes they're too pretty, and that's why there's a problem in the first place."

Glinda squinted. "We're talking about your fashion faux pas, right?"

Fiyero sighed. "In a way."

"Well, if Avaric dared take you out in that, it means he must really love you," Glinda said. "Just go for it, Elphie!"

"Okay," he sounded. "Now, were those hors-d'oeuvres I saw being served?"

In response, Glinda pointed behind him. Fiyero glanced over his shoulder to find a tray of hors-d'oeuvres being extended towards him. He sniffed them suspiciously. "Yeah, these'll make my breath smell." In one swift motion, he grabbed an entire pile and showed fistfuls into his mouth. As he reached for another stack, the hors-d'oeuvres toppled down to reveal…

"AVARIC!"

Avaric grinned. "At your service."

"Er… I didn't know you worked here," Fiyero said. "But I completely understand if you have to cancel. I mean, I'm sure drunken college kids tip okay, and it's not like Fiyero leaves you _that _much money in your Lurlinemas stocking…"

"WHAT?" Avaric nearly dropped the tray. Fiyero winced at his slip, dually dangerous since he'd never revealed himself as the mysterious money-man that left generous tips every Lurlinemas since he'd hired Avaric as his taxi driver. After all, he'd known the boy would never earn enough money to pay tuition otherwise, and he didn't want to imagine what kind of trouble Avaric would get into on the streets. Hell, he might have even outshined Fiyero's reputation! So he'd let the boy shadow him from school to school, but they'd never become friends. He was a prince, after all, and Avaric's employer. And yet, now they were dating.

"It's not what you think," Fiyero said slowly to the shocked boy. "I mean, just because it's Fiyero's money with his face printed on the dollar bills doesn't mean Fiyero put it there…"

"You mean Fiyero's Santa Claus?" Avaric sounded. "No wonder I always got coal! Damn cheapskate!"

"Hey! That's my boyfriend!" Glinda shouted.

"Sorry," Avaric said.

"What?" Glinda sounded. "No, over there, that's my boyfriend coming!" She pointed to an approaching Elphaba, who paused midstride, looking rather green despite her princely complexion. "Now let me finish my date!"

"Do unto others as you'd like them to do unto you," Avaric grinned, grabbing Fiyero's hand and pulling him up. "I found a seat by the window."

"Good," Fiyero sounded. "Because I might need some AIRRRRRRR!" He screeched as Avaric pulled him along, weaving him through the dancers and escorting him to a romantically lit table, garnished with fake flowers that were clearly of no relation to Elphaba.

"A rose by any other name…" Avaric began to recite.

In response, Fiyero reached into the canister of condiments and stuck straws up his nose.

He expected Avaric to scream and run for his life. Instead, Avaric laughed. "I did that when I was a kid. I pretended to be the Elephant Princess of the Scrow." He plucked two straws out of the canister and mimicked Fiyero. To his surprise, Fiyero didn't scream or run. He snorted in laughter instead, the straws falling out of his nose. After all, Avaric did look pretty ridiculous. "Yeah, Fiyero didn't like it much, though. He said that the Vinkus was ruled by him, not some Animal."

"I suppose they're indistinguishable sometimes," Fiyero admitted. _Wait… I'm supposed to be disgusting Avaric, not discussing him! Hell, I am not doing anything involving my lips with him._

_Okay, fine, you're doing it so by the time Elphaba gets her body back, he'll reject her when she comes running to him and handing him roses. Same rose by any other name._

Try two. Fiyero screamed. "I'M BLEEDING!"

"B-But fake roses don't have thorns!" Avaric stammered. "Oz, was it the straws? Did they give you nose bleed?"

"No, no, no, I just have my period," Fiyero said. "Makes me wanna kill babies."

"Then you'd better stay away from Fiyero," Avaric advised.

Fiyero slammed his fist against the table. "Seriously, that's the third time you've mentioned him! Are you in love with him or something?"

"Me?" Avaric scoffed. "Quite the opposite. It's just… well, I kinda thought you might be." He smiled at her sheepishly. "It's just, every girl I've ever chased after takes one look at him and ends up making interesting noises with him in the backseat while I drive the taxi."

"You've never heard of armpit fart contests?" Fiyero protested.

"You know what I mean." Avaric rolled his eyes. "I mean, sure, maybe I have my fun, but at least I don't do it playing games."

"I've always liked Pretty Pretty Princess," Fiyero commented.

"So did Fiyero. He always stole the crown from me."

"Well, he was a prince," Fiyero replied, wincing at the past tense. "But if you played that together, you can't be only enemies."

"No, we're worse. We're rivals."

"Well, whenever you feel that way, pretend you're just playing Pretty Pretty Princess with him like you did all those years ago."

"Can't," Avaric replied regrettably. "We played it when we were seventeen."

_Damn_, Fiyero thought, _jewelry and the white tights? Maybe we switched bodies because of some weird gay urge I'm repressing. What if I am gay? No, wait. I can't be gay. I'm not happy._

"I'm sorry," Avaric said after an awkward silence. "I didn't mean to bring him up."

"Neither did I," Fiyero admitted. "I was just thinking how I wished you could have been friends."

Avaric didn't seem to know what to say to that. Granted, Fiyero didn't even know what to think about that. It was still his mission to absolutely horrify Avaric for going after his girl, after all. And it wasn't like Avaric was completely clean either. He'd gotten drunk at Fiyero's parties, which had meant Fiyero had to be the designated driver to his own taxi driver while Avaric lay in the backseat making interesting noises. And not all of them were vomiting. Hell, he'd ever stolen the purple earrings from the Pretty Pretty Princess board! Suddenly, Fiyero wasn't feeling so sympathetic towards his date. Who was Avaric to judge Fiyero in front of Elphaba (even if it wasn't really Elphaba) like that when he was really describing himself?

Avaric finally broke the silence. "We could dance."

"No, there was a reason you were cut out of the musical."

"Come on, I know all the lyrics," Avaric smirked. Clearing his throat, he began to sing in that flawless voice that everyone around Shiz seemed to have, "_Dancing in tights, minding the hair, let's take off your fair dress, snuggle all night…_"

"Hey! That's my song!"

"I know. I dedicated it to you." He opened his mouth to continue massacring Fiyero's musical mastepiece.

"You know what, let's dance," Fiyero said quickly, dashing onto the dance floor, which earned him several disbelieving glances. "Wow, these strobe lights make me look really green, don't they?"

Seeming to accept this excuse, they turned away and resumed their dancing through life. Fiyero joined in with a few of his signature moves. (Unfortunately, the Michael Jackson appeared to be under-appreciated.)

As he danced his way into losing Avaric in the crowd, a woman in rubber eyed him appreciatively. He shot her a thankful smile, and with a seductive grin, she stepped closer, nearly grinding her body against his…

"Elphaba!" Avaric shouted, grabbing his hand. The woman glowered and stuck out her tongue at him. Fiyero backed away from both of their angry glares. "What in Ozma's name are you doing?"

"She liked my dancing!" he shouted over the blaring music- what was this stuff, Wizomania?

"What?"

"She's a lesbian!"

"I can't hear you! The music's too loud!"

"THERE WILL ALWAYS BE WOMEN IN RUBBER FLIRTING WITH ME!" Fiyero screamed, running away once more.

Avaric stared at the blank spot where he'd disappeared, having no clue what his date had said. "Okay!" He figured she was getting more punch. 'Cause who'd want to leave Cyberland anyway?

xXx

_Somebody save me_, Elphaba prayed as Glinda squeezed her hand and rambled on about _Fashionozta's _latest survey on kissing techniques.

And somebody did. "Dance!" Fiyero blurted, pulling her away from Glinda. Elphaba didn't run with him, but she didn't pull away either. She desperately wanted to keep their cover and make Glinda's dream come true, but she also wanted to feel what it was to dance with Fiyero, to know whether she'd dreamed about it or not. Noticing her hesitation, Fiyero paused, addressing Glinda. "Since I've been tutoring him in school, the least he can do is tutor me in a dance."

Glinda nodded and waved them on, intent on picking the dirt from her nails, if only so no one could see the sadness in her eyes.

"What are you doing?" Elphaba hissed as the blaring music changed to a waltz.

"Is that a trick question?" Fiyero countered.

"I'd tell you to man up, but that does seem to be our problem, doesn't it?" Elphaba grit.

Fiyero grinned charmingly. "Admit it. You like the feel of my hand in yours."

"Except for the fact where it's my hand!" Elphaba protested.

"Oh, yeah?" Fiyero countered. "I don't suppose you've realized where your hand's wandered…"

Her eyes flashed wide open, suddenly alert. In one fluid motion, she reached forward, curled her fingers in a fist, and punched him.

Fruit-punched him, that is, having grabbed the pitcher of punch and dumped it over his head.

Everyone was staring at them now, or more appropriately at a soaked Fiyero, fruit punch seeping down his face. Maybe some of those drips were even tears.

"I guess the rumors are true about you and water," he grit, licking the punch from his lips. "I'm going to go melt now." _Melt down, that is_, she thought as he ran off. Avaric grabbed him, but he squirmed out of Avaric's grip and shoved him away, scrambling for the door. Furious, Avaric focused his fiery glare on her, grabbing her by the collar and pointing outside, where they could hear themselves above the music even if they themselves would be heard by the busybodies who eavesdropped.

_It doesn't matter_, she thought as she followed Avaric. She'd gotten the answer to her question.

And a whole lot more questions. Ones that would be asked to her.

xXx

Fiyero Tiggular had just committed murder.

His victim: Elphaba's roses.

Or, at least, that had been the intention. Instead, the rose's thorns had ripped across his palms as he strangled the stems, and he'd ended up cursing in pain, the roses merely looking redder with his blood. No wonder Boq was terrified of breaking up with Nessa, if this was what roses did to a person.

Well, there were certain things a person could do to a rose too. Sighing, he plucked the petals off the rose, starting gently before surrendering to a criminal sense of urgency.

_She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she…_

Damn. He hated true or false tests until now.

Because the final petal, the one that would have represented her love, had been cleaved in two, more of a scrap than a real petal. Maybe it was soft, but it was fragile too. And broken.

Served him right for trying to find his heart.

* * *

**Sorry everyone, it appears that Elphaba beat the livelihood out of Fiyero again. (Appears?) More is explained next chapter. I wish we could have seen a little more of Nessa, but her being the invisible girl is kinda the point, plus this is a Fiyero T. and Elphaba T. story. Although I appreciate reviews about any character at all. Especially since I'll be on vacation, and then school starts, so this will probably be the last chapter for a while.**


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